Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Clear, truthful and open communication is a must with partnered sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) . It’s the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting and physically and emotionally safe; to help sex and sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) relationships be as satisfying, positive and awesome as they can be. We can’t just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us.

Starting deep and honest communication⁠ (communication: Various ways we express ourselves to others, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.) about sex can be daunting, especially in areas which can be more loaded, tricky or where we feel vulnerable. Someone might ask what you do or don’t like, or what may or may not be okay with you, and you may find you – or a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) , when they’re asked – have a hard time knowing how to respond. It might be particularly tough to start these conversations if talking about sex openly and out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) loud is something you’ve never done. When sex is newer to us, we may not even have a sense of all there is to talk about. It can feel like being asked what you want to eat at a restaurant without having a menu to even know your options. We might also sometimes find ourselves feeling inclined to only say what we think a partner wants to hear, or only responding to what they bring up rather than putting our own stuff on the table and initiating our own questions.

Yes, No and Maybe lists aren’t something we invented. They’ve been used for a long time by sexuality educators, sex therapists, communities, couples and individuals, and they can be seriously useful tools. So, we’ve made one specifically for Scarleteen readers including all the issues you ask us about and we’ve talked about together over the years.

How can you use this list?

1) You can either just read through it online, using it as a mental self-evaluation tool or talking with a partner as you both scroll through it. Or, you can print it out using this PDF file, and fill it in by hand. (It makes a fine bedfellow for our Sex Readiness Checklist, too!)

2) First do it alone. Take your time, especially with areas or questions you haven’t thought about before or haven’t had experience with yet. When you’re answering, figure this is about now: not right this very second, but in your life overall at this time and over the next few months. If you’re answering about things you have no experience with, go with your gut on what you feel like you want. You might only use it for self-evaluation and your own decision-making, to get a better sense of where you stand or what you want to talk about with a partner without sharing it or having them fill it out for themselves.

3) If you want to do it with a partner? Even though we use the term “partner” here to mean anyone with whom you’d be engaging in any kind of sexual contact or relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) , this is not first-date stuff. This is a lot of very personal information for anyone to give or ask for. Young people often tell us they want some serious sexual intimacy: this is that kind of intimacy, big time. It would be overwhelming to find flopped in one’s hands after only hanging out for a few days. If you’re doing it with someone, you want to have been together for a while to have built some trust, to have some solid sense of your relationship and to have already started to discuss many things on this list already. If there are areas of this you don’t feel ready to talk about, or that just make you really uncomfortable, feel free to hack it up in a word doc to make it into what you need and want. If you are going to do this with a partner, also be sure you’re both earnestly ready to know and accept all of each other’s truths (and to be truthful). Make some agreements in advance about the way you’ll both address this with each other with maturity and care.

The coding guide for the list is below. A yes is an “I want to” or “I think I would,” and a no is “I don’t want to” or “I don’t think I would.” A maybe is an “I might,” either only with certain people, at certain times, or in other specific circumstances. If there’s something where you just have no idea, that’s an IDK. None of these answers are a commitment to always say yes or no to anything, or a promise you’ll say either: they’re just assessments of how you generally feel about them. Your answers to this list may, and probably will, change over time: you may find something that’s a yes now becomes a no after you try it, or that a no now is something you discover you’re interested in down the road. Figure it’s a snapshot of this point in time and an ever-evolving work in progress, just like you and your sexuality.

We included a code for fantasy. People often confuse what someone fantasizes about with what someone wants to actually or potentially do, which is especially a doozy for young people who can tend to feel freaked by the idea that fantasies must be “want-to-do’s” rather than just “really-like-to-think-abouts.” Recognizing the difference is important and can also take a lot of pressure off sharing fantasies. N/A is for the things that just don’t apply to you: like, I can’t get anyone pregnant, so those questions would be an N/A for me. You’ll find some fill-in-the-blanks in this list, too.

Lists like this are not finish lines but starting points: for evaluating your own sexuality and/or for deeper conversations with someone else. This is so you can start thinking about things for yourself, or start having conversations with a partner. At the end of each section, we’ve included a few sample jumping-off points for conversations to give you some ideas.

Body Boundaries

___ A partner touching me affectionately without asking first

___ Touching a partner affectionately without asking first

___ A partner touching me sexually without asking first

___ Touching a partner sexually without asking first

___ A partner touching me affectionately in public

___ Touching a partner affectionately in public

___ A partner touching me sexually in public

___ Touching a partner sexually in public

___ Having my shirt/top⁠ (top: In sexuality, this is someone who wants to take the/a lead during sex with a partner or partners, or to consensually take the role of being in charge of sexual actions.) off with a partner

___ Having a partner’s shirt/top off

___ Having my pants/bottoms off with a partner

___ Having a partner’s pants/bottoms off

___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights off or low

___ A partner being completely naked with the lights off or low

___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights on

___ A partner being completely naked with the lights on

___ Direct eye contact

___ Being looked at directly, overall, when I am naked

___ Grooming or toileting in front of a partner

___ A partner grooming/using the toilet in front of me

___ A partner looking directly at my genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.)

___ A partner talking about my body

___ Talking about a partner’s body

___ Some or all of a disability, identity⁠ (identity: The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person.) or difference I have being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified

___ Some or all of a disability, identity or difference a partner has being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified

___ Some or all kinds of sex during a menstrual period⁠ (menstrual period: The shedding of the uterine lining as part of the menstrual cycle. This often appears as a bloody liquid, but sometimes is more solid, and is made of numerous components, of which blood is only one.)

___ Seeing or being exposed to other kinds of body fluids (like semen⁠ (semen: Fluid which comes from the urethra of the penis during ejaculation, and which usually contains sperm.) , sweat or urine)

___ Shaving/trimming/removing my own pubic hair⁠ (pubic hair: The hair that grows around the genital and anal regions (often extending a ways up the front or back and onto the inner thighs) and usually first appears around puberty. It may vary in color, texture, length, and thickness.)

___ Shaving/trimming/removing a partner’s pubic hair

___ Other:

___ Other:

Some parts of my body are just off-limits. Those are:

I am not comfortable looking at, touching or feeling some parts of another person’s body. Those are:

I am triggered by (have a post-traumatic response to) something(s) about body boundaries. Those are/that is:

What helps me feel most comfortable being naked with someone? What ways a partner does or may talk about my body make or could make me feel uncomfortable? What do I “count” as sexual touching and what do I consider affectionate touching?

Words & Terms

I prefer the following gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) /sexual identity or role words (like man, woman, boi, femme⁠ (femme: Describes a person who is intentionally feminine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to butch. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation.) , butch⁠ (butch: A person who is intentionally masculine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. ) , top, etc.) to be used for me:

I prefer my chest or breasts be referred to as:

I prefer my genitals to be referred to as:

I prefer my sexual orientation⁠ (sexual orientation: A term – like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual – used to describe a person’s usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people as it relates to or is about gender.) and/or identity to be referred to as:

Some words I am not okay with to refer to me, my identity, my body or, or which I am uncomfortable using or hearing about, with or during any kind of sex are:

I am triggered by certain words or language. Those are/that is:

Are certain words okay in some settings or situations but not in others? How flexible am I with what a partner might want to call something I like calling something else? Why do I use the words for my parts that I do?

Relationship Models & Choices

___ A partner talking to close friends about our sex life

___ Talking to close friends about my sex life

___ A partner talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about our sex life

___ Talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about my sex life

___ An exclusive⁠ (exclusive: Something that is not divided or shared with others; which excludes others based on a given criteria.) romantic⁠ (romantic: Of, or relating to, intimate or passionate love or interest.)  relationship

___ An exclusive sexual relationship

___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive⁠ (non-exclusive: Describes something which does not exclude others in some way, which is open.) romantic relationship

___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive sexual relationship

___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive romantic relationship

___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive sexual relationship

___ Sex of some kind(s) with one partner at a time, only

___ Sex of some kind(s) with two partners at a time

___ Sex of some kind(s) with three partners at a time

___ Sex of some kind(s) with more than three partners at a time

___ A partner directing/deciding for me in some way with sex

___ Directing or deciding for a partner in some way with sex

___ Other:

___ Other:

What kind of agreements do/would I want with the kinds of relationships models I want or am interested in? What are my personal values with relationships and simultaneous sexual partners?

Safer Sex and Overall Safety Items and Behaviors

___ Sharing my sexual history with a partner

___ A partner sharing their sexual history with me

___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose high risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections⁠ (sexually transmitted infections: STIs: illness, infection and/or disease which is often or can be transmitted through sexual or other intimate contact, like HIV, Chlamydia or Herpes. Some people call STIs STDs.) (STIs)

___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose moderate risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose low risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

___ Using a condom⁠ (condom: A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.) with a partner, always

___ Using a condom with a partner, not always

___ Putting on a condom myself

___ Putting on a condom for someone else

___ Someone else putting on a condom for me

___ Using a dental dam⁠ (dental dam: A barrier used for safer sex during cunnilingus or analingus, usually a thin sheet of latex. Dental dams can also be self-made by altering a condom or latex glove with scissors.) , with a partner, always

___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, not always

___ Putting on a dental dam for myself

___ Putting a dental dam on someone else

___ Someone else putting a dental dam on me

___ Using a latex glove with a partner, always

___ Using a latex glove with a partner, not always

___ Putting on a latex glove for myself

___ Putting on a latex glove for someone else

___ Someone else putting a latex glove on me

___ Using lubricant⁠ (lubricant: A fluid used in order to make kinds of sex (such as masturbation, vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse or manual sex) more pleasant and comfortable, and/or to help prevent condoms from breaking by decreasing friction.) with a partner

___ Applying lubricant to myself

___ Applying lubricant on a partner

___ Someone else putting lubricant on me

___ Getting tested for STIs before sex with a partner

___ Getting regularly tested for STIs by myself

___ Getting tested for STIs with a partner

___ A partner getting regularly tested for STIs

___ Sharing STI⁠ (STI: Sexually transmitted infections: illness, infection and/or disease which is often or can be transmitted through sexual or other intimate contact, like HIV, Chlamydia or Herpes. Some people call STIs STDs.) test results with a partner

___ Doing things which might cause me momentary or minor discomfort or pain

___ Doing things which might cause a partner momentary or minor discomfort or pain

___ Doing things which might cause me sustained or major discomfort or pain

___ Doing things which might cause a partner sustained or major discomfort or pain

___ Being unable to communicate clearly during sex

___ Having a partner be unable to communicate clearly

___ Initiating or having sex while or after I have been using alcohol or other recreational drugs

___ A partner initiating or having sex while or after using alcohol or other recreational drugs

___ Other:

___ Other:

I am triggered by something(s) around sexual safety, or need additional safety precautions because of triggers. Those are/that is:

Are sexual history conversations loaded for me? Do I have any double-standards with safer sex⁠ (safer sex: Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners.) , testing or other safety? What makes me feel some risk is worth it, while another isn’t?

Sexual Responses

___ Experiencing or expressing unexpected or challenging emotions before, during or after sex

___ A partner experiencing or expressing or challenging emotions before, during or after sex

___ Not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex

___ A partner not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex

___ Feeling and being aroused (sexually excited), alone

___ Feeling and being aroused, with or in front of a partner

___ Having genital sexual response, like erection⁠ (erection: When a body part, such as the penis or parts of the vulva, becomes filled with blood and enlarges and/or becomes more firm.) or lubrication, alone

___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, seen or felt by a partner

___ Not having or “losing” erection or lubrication, alone

___ Not having or “losing” erection or lubrication, with or in front of a partner

___ Being unable to reach orgasm⁠ (orgasm: An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. ) , alone

___ Being unable to reach orgasm, with a partner

___ Having one orgasm, alone

___ Having one orgasm, with or in front of a partner

___ Having more than one orgasm, alone

___ Having more than one orgasm, with or in front of a partner

___ Ejaculating, alone

___ Ejaculating, with or in front of a partner

___ Having a partner ejaculate with me/while I’m present

___ Having an orgasm before or after you feel like you “should” with a partner

___ Having a partner have an orgasm before or after you feel like they “should”

___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, alone

___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, with a partner

___ Having sex interrupted by something or someone external or your own body or feelings

___ Other:

___ Other:

I am triggered by certain sexual responses of my own or those of a partner. Those are:

I like or don’t like having or giving certain kinds of sexual aftercare (like snuggling or reaffirming emotional feelings). Those are:

Is what I/we think of as ideal in alignment with what our responses and comfort with them really are? What parts of sexual response make me feel vulnerable or exposed? Am I putting any pressure on myself or partners to respond a certain way?

Physical and/or Sexual Activities

___ Masturbation

___ Holding hands

___ Hugging

___ Kissing, cheek or face

___ Kissing, closed-mouth

___ Kissing, open-mouth

___ Being kissed or touched on the neck

___ Kissing or touching a partner’s neck

___ Giving hickeys

___ Getting hickeys

___ Tickling, doing the tickling

___ Tickling, being tickled

___ Wrestling or “play-fighting”

___ General massage, giving

___ General massage, receiving

___ Having my chest, breasts and/or nipples touched or rubbed

___ Touching or rubbing a partner’s the breasts, chest and/or nipples

___ Frottage (dry humping/clothed body-to-body rubbing)

___ Tribadism (scissoring, rubbing naked genitals together with a partner)

___ A partner putting their mouth or tongue on my breasts or chest

___ Putting my mouth or tongue on a partner’s breasts or chest

___ Masturbating in front of/with a partner

___ A partner masturbating in front of/with me

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on penis⁠ (penis: One of the two external reproductive organs of people often assigned male at birth.) or strap-on), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers to penis or strap-on), giving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes⁠ (testes: Reproductive glands of people with penises. They sit outside the body and are contained within the scrotum.) ), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), giving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva⁠ (vulva: The name for the external genitals of people assigned female at birth. The vulva includes the mons, external clitoris, inner and outer labia, fourchette and perineum.) ), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), giving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina⁠ (vagina: The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.) ), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), giving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus⁠ (anus: The external opening to the rectum, located between the buttocks.) ), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), giving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum⁠ (rectum: The internal passage between the anus and the colon; stores solid waste until it leaves the body through a bowel movement.) ), receiving

___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), giving

___ Ejaculating (coming) on or in a partner’s body

___ A partner ejaculating (coming) on or in my body

___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) sleeves), alone

___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), with a partner

___ Oral sex (to vulva), receptive partner⁠ (receptive partner: A sexual partner who is experiencing having something done to them, or who is taking a part of a partner’s body or a sex toy into an orifice of their body. Opposite of “insertive” partner.)

___ Oral sex (to vulva), doing to someone else

___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), receptive partner

___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), doing to someone else

___ Oral sex (to testes), receptive partner

___ Oral sex (to testes), doing to someone else

___ Oral sex (to anus), receptive partner

___ Oral sex (to anus), doing to someone else

___ Vaginal intercourse⁠ (intercourse: When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.) , receptive partner

___ Vaginal intercourse, insertive partner⁠ (insertive partner: A sexual partner who is inserting a part of their bodies into a partner’s body in some way.)

___ Anal intercourse, receptive partner

___ Anal intercourse, insertive partner

___ Using food items as a part of sex

___ Cross-dressing during sex

___ Having a partner cross-dress during sex

___ Biting a partner

___ Being bitten by a partner

___ Scratching a partner

___ Being scratched by a partner

___ Wearing something that covers my eyes

___ A partner wearing something that covers their eyes

___ Having my movement restricted

___ Restricting the movement of a partner

___ Being slapped or spanked by a partner in the context of sexual pleasure

___ Slapping or spanking a partner in the context of sexual pleasure

___ Pinching or having any kind of clamp used on my body during sex

___ Pinching a partner or using any kind of clamp on them during sex

___ Other:

___ Other:

I am triggered by certain sexual activities. Those are:

If I said yes to something but my partner said maybe, what conditions might make their maybe a yes? With a partner, can we each live with and accept our no’s? What ways do each of us, so far, know we like things done we’ve said we would do/like to do?

Non-Physical (or not necessarily physical) Sexual Activities

___ Communicating my sexual fantasies to/with a partner

___ Receiving information about a partner’s sexual fantasies

___ Role-play

___ Phone sex

___ Cybersex, in IM

___ Cybersex, in chat room

___ Cybersex, on cell phone

___ Getting sexual images of a partner in my email or on my phone

___ Giving sexual images to a partner in their email or on their phone

___ Reading pornography⁠ (pornography: Written, visual or other kinds of media either expressly designed to elicit feelings of sexual desire and/or which people use to elicit those feelings.) or erotica⁠ (erotica: Written, visual or other kinds of media either expressly designed to elicit feelings of sexual desire and/or which people use to elicit those feelings.) , alone

___ Reading pornography or erotica, with a partner

___ Viewing pornography, alone

___ Viewing pornography, with a partner

___ A partner reading or viewing pornography

___ Giving pornography/erotica to a partner

___ Getting pornography/erotica from a partner

___ Other:

___ Other:

I am triggered by certain non-physical sexual activities. Those are:

How do non-physical sexual activities figure into our/my relationship agreements? How big a role do non-physical sexual activities play in my sex life or do I want them to play?

Birth Control/Reproductive Choices

___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose a risk of pregnancy without using a reliable method of birth control

___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose a risk of pregnancy with a reliable form of birth control

___ Using emergency contraception⁠ (emergency contraception: A method of contraception used to prevent pregnancy after sex or rape has already occurred, rather than used before or during, like most types of contraception. Includes emergency contraception pills and IUDs.)

___ Having a partner use emergency contraception

___ Becoming pregnant

___ Creating a pregnancy with a partner

___ Helping a partner throughout a pregnancy and delivery

___ Experiencing a loss with a pregnancy, like miscarriage⁠ (miscarriage: When a pregnancy ends before birth all by itself, often without anyone having done anything to make that happen.) or abortion⁠ (abortion: A procedure to intentionally end a pregnancy before a birth. Miscarriage is also sometimes called “spontaneous abortion,” even though it is usually not intended.)

___ Supporting a partner through a loss with a pregnancy, like miscarriage or abortion

___ Parenting with a partner

___ Parenting by myself

___ Paying child support for a pregnancy I co-created

___ Terminating a pregnancy (abortion)

___ A partner terminating a pregnancy (abortion)

___ Choosing adoption if there was a pregnancy

___ Other:

___ Other:

In what situations do I see myself making a given reproductive choice (if applicable)? How do/might I feel about a partner having very different answers in this section than I do, and how would that impact my choice to be with them?

Think we left anything major out we need to add in? Let us know!