I’m having sex fantasies about my crush

Mrais Trix
Okay there’s a girl I really REALLY like. Like I’ve written at least an album's worth of songs about her and I can’t stop thinking about her. Well, recently I’ve started to think about having sex with her. The thing is I’ve had sex fantasies before but those were with celebrities, and the thought of wanting to have sex with someone I know freaks me out because I’m only 14. Is this normal/okay to think about having sex with my crush when I’m 14 years old? I know it’s normal for people older than me but like I feel weird because I’m so young and like, what if I have Too Much Lust or something?
Mo Ranyart replies:

The good news is: you aren't suffering from Too Much Lust, although that might be a fun name for your album when it's complete. Jokes aside, it's not wrong or unusual to have sexual feelings about someone you're crushing on, whether that person is a celebrity you've never met or a friend you see every day. It's also ok, though, if you feel weird about it; sexual feelings can be weird or scary sometimes, especially when they're new to us.

You aren't too young to think about being sexual with someone else. Not everyone experiences sexual feelings at the same age, but at 14 plenty of people are experiencing some level of sexual curiosity or desire, whether it takes the form of a general interest in sex or sexual feelings for specific people. Even if it wasn't normal, and most 14-year-olds didn't have sexual thoughts or feelings, it would still be just fine for you to have them, just like it would be fine for you to have no interest in sex at all. People's sexualities develop and manifest in many ways, each on their own timeline; there's no one "right" time or way for it to happen.

Sexual fantasy can be a great way to explore and think about how you might want to be sexual in the future: what kinds of people you find sexually appealing, what sort of sexual activities or dynamics sound fun to you, how you might want to feel during sex. Keep in mind that these feelings don't necessarily mean you're ready to have sex with someone else yet, or that you have to be sexual right now just because you're having them. You might compare it to daydreaming about skydiving, or swimming with sharks; it's totally possible to enjoy thinking about those things and imagine how exciting they could be without feeling like you're ready to go out and do them. It's not odd to have general sexual desire, or fantasize about sex with someone, without feeling ready to actually put those fantasies into practice, so if you feel overwhelmed or scared of any of these feelings, just keep in mind that you don't have to choose to do anything about them right now.

It's a pretty big shift to move from a solo sexual life to a partnered one; suddenly it's not just your own pleasure and desires you need to keep in mind. Sexual fantasy is one way that people can explore the idea of being sexual, not only in specific ways or with specific people, but also the logistics of engaging sexually with another person at all. Having sexual thoughts about your friend and exploring your feelings about her through masturbation and sexual fantasy aren't a problem; in fact, they can be a helpful tool as you start to think about how you might want to shape a future sexual relationship.

However, sometimes fantasy can impact our thinking in small ways we don't expect, if we aren't looking out for them. Intense sexual feelings for someone you know can set up an unevenly-balanced dynamic if you aren't careful. Spending a lot of time having sexual or romantic fantasies about someone else can make it feel like there's more of a connection between you than what actually exists; it's a one-sided bond that the other person doesn't know about and hasn't participated in. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it's good to be aware of how the strength of your crush and your sexual feelings might impact how you see your existing relationship with someone.

If you ever shared your feelings with this person you really like, you'd be coming at that conversation with a lot of emotions stored up, ones she might not share even if she's also interested in you. If she said no, having all those sexual feelings and fantasies in your mind might make that no harder to hear, or harder to accept; if she said yes, it might make you inclined to push for a deeper emotional or sexual element to a relationship before she's ready, because you've explored those feelings and have felt ready for a while. It's important to make sure the intensity of your feelings isn't impacting how you treat her in person, but just being a little extra thoughtful in your interactions with her is likely to take care of that.

Hopefully all this makes you feel a little less worried about having these sexual thoughts. Whether you ever choose to talk to this person about your feelings or not, you aren't doing anything wrong by having them. Sexual fantasies can feel scary or strange when we're first having them, but hopefully they're something you'll feel more comfortable with given some time and experience with them. No matter what, I hope you can take comfort in the knowledge that you aren't doing anything wrong or inappropriate by having these feelings.

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