During my time in college I have become a real connoisseur and partaker in the sleazy situationship. I’m a lesbian and have engaged in loveless, sex-driven, cheap fun with probably half the girls in my college town. But I have been okay with this thus far and speaking honestly, the sleazy vibe from these situationships have come not only from the people I engage with but myself too.
However, recently, I met someone who is so delightful and kind and divine, and I think I maybe like them?? We have been spending a good amount of time together, but things feel different this time around — we make each other tea and there’s aftercare, and they even brought me something they grew in their garden!
This is all to say, I am nervous, and I feel unprepared for this sweetness and want to know how you break the cycle of the situationship (mentally and through action) and teach myself how to engage with someone thoughtfully again. Help!
Is there anything wrong with having what you’re calling “loveless, sex-driven, cheap fun?”
Nope, not if it’s consensual, actually fun for you and others, if it makes you and everyone else involved feel good, or until, if and when you decide that’s just not what you want. I’m not going to use the word “sleazy” here myself, as that’s a derogatory word, and one often used to demean women engaging in sexual behaviors, but your use tells me that you may feel ready to develop a different kind of relationship, maybe something with more intention, consistency and love. This can be especially difficult if we are in college where many are still exploring what they want, if we have a strict history of engaging in sex without any intention of deeper shared feelings, or when the types of relationships we are ultimately after have not been modeled for us.
How nice to hear that you’ve found someone so delightful! They seem like a real gem, bringing you tea and items from their garden. And of course, aftercare is essential for healthy sex, so I am happy to hear that is present too. Know that you deserve the sweetness, every bite from the garden and every sip of tea. Allow yourself to reciprocate that sweetness if it feels right to do so. It sounds like you have by way of making tea for them.
So, it seems to me that the question now is: “How do I break the situationship cycle?” It’s pretty simple: you ask for and create different kinds of interactions and relationships.
You can set boundaries that serve those aims and carry them through. Maybe it is important to you to go out on a date before engaging sexually. Maybe you want to set a boundary regarding your time and energy. Maybe you set one about not wanting to get sexually involved with people who don’t want the same things you’re looking for now. Our boundaries vary from person to person and life phase to life phase. The important part is that we work to uphold them and walk away when others can not seem to respect the lines in the sand.
I have a feeling you might find this article on relationship models to be a helpful read. No relationship has to look like the next: they are all original works based on what you and your partner want for yourselves. You can look at what relationships you look up to or aspire to have something like, and what aspects of those you want to draw on for your own future romances.
The next step involves some vulnerability and communication. Ask your fellow tea drinker what they are looking for. Does their desired relationship mirror your needs? What would the intersection of you and your potential partner’s ideal sexual relationships look like? You can even discuss it over some garden green veggies.
You are desirable and deserve pleasure no matter the kind of relationship you pursue. You’ll learn what feels healthy to you by living through those relationships. As if you are doing research, each time you thoughtfully engage is a data point. Best of luck breaking up with the situationship cycle!
