How do I cope with having a homophobic family?

Hi Jesse,

Congratulations on coming out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) to yourself and to others! I’m so sorry to hear that your family didn’t show up for you the way that you deserved when you shared the truth about your sexuality and gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) with them. Being open about who you are to yourself and others is brave and so important for our relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) with ourselves and our relationships with others: I wish they had recognized that. It sounds like you had a suspicion they weren’t going to take the news well, but that doesn’t make it any easier that your fears were confirmed.

Your question is important. There are a lot of factors to keep in mind when it comes to taking care of yourself in the face of family rejection. 25 years ago, I ran away from home when I was seventeen and cut ties with my mother for the rest of her life for my own physical and emotional safety. When I think about self-care in the face of family rejection, here are some of the main considerations that come to mind.

Maintain Independence

You mentioned that you haven’t lived with them for a couple of years, which is really important. Having that kind of physical and, I am assuming, financial separation from your family gives you more power and control over what the relationship you are going to have with them will look like. For your own mental health, I would make sure to continue to keep that level of independence to ensure that the interactions you have can be wholly on your terms and not because you feel like you owe them to meet your basic needs like food and shelter.

Name the Feelings

I think it’s extremely important to always remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel about a toxic relationship with family members. You may feel sadness from your grief and loss, but you can also feel anger, frustration, and anything in between. Each of us responds differently in the face of family rejection, and all our feelings are valid. Also, keep in mind that the way you feel about things with your family today might not be how you feel in a week, a month, or several years from now. You are likely to go through stages of processing, and there are no clear rules or blueprints for how to feel about your family not accepting you. Your family’s feelings and behavior may also change with time. It’s not infrequent for some people in the family to grow and change, while others might remain stuck in their homophobia⁠ (homophobia: Prejudice against homosexuality and homosexual people.) /transphobia. If some family members grow and change their feelings about your identity⁠ (identity: The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person.) and the LGBTQ⁠ (LGBTQ: L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.) +community more broadly, it’s up to you how you want to accept their change of perspective and behavior.

As you’re naming your feelings, I also think it’s beneficial to find ways to express them by journaling, making art, talking to friends, chosen family members, and professionals like teachers, counselors, and/or therapists. Getting the feelings out instead of bottling them up is a great way to empower and care for yourself in the face of family rejection.

Set Boundaries

I think that one of the most important things you can do is to make sure that you are setting and keeping boundaries with people who are not supportive and don’t have your best interests in mind, even if they are your family. Try not to let your family’s lack of acceptance and respect influence your ability to set and hold boundaries. You deserve to be treated with respect. Everyone is going to have a different perspective on how much they are willing and able to tolerate when it comes to interactions with families of origin who are less than supportive. When it comes to boundary setting, I recommend figuring out what is important to you. This might mean setting boundaries about your name or pronouns being used if you are going to spend time together, or about topics of conversation that are off the table and not something you’re comfortable talking about. Your boundaries are legitimate and you get to have them, whatever they need to be.

If you are making decisions about boundaries and the kind of relationship you feel comfortable having with your family it can be helpful to create a list of what your boundaries are. As part of that making a list of what behavior from your family would cross boundaries of relationship can also be beneficial. For example, for some people family using their chosen name but slipping sometimes on pronouns is ok, and for other people the reverse or either is a boundary. Maybe not being allowed to bring a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) to family functions is a deal breaker on having a relationship. You get to decide what your boundaries based on what feels right to you. Spending time brainstorming your boundaries and limits before you feel like you need to hold those boundaries or cut ties can help you feel empowered.

Preparing in Case You’re Cut Off

Because you were discussing mental health when you ask, “If they cut me off, what can I do to take care of myself?” I am assuming you are talking about emotionally, not with tangible needs. Do what you can to emotionally and practically prepare for any possible disruption in your relationship with your family. If they have things that you need or want, such as childhood photos that are important to you, copies of your birth certificate, etc., you can try to obtain copies of those before communication⁠ (communication: Various ways we express ourselves to others, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.) breaks down entirely.

During this time, when you are focusing on boundary setting with your family and fearing being cut off, something else that’s important to do is to focus on the support that you do have in your life and on developing support systems with people who respect and cherish you. This can include friends, chosen/queer family, as well as professional supports like therapists and counselors. When you are going through hard times, it can be easy to slip into isolation, either by circumstance or by feeling like there’s just nobody out there who understands what you are going through. Remembering that you have a community of people who do support you can make it easier to protect your mental health in the face of your family not supporting you.

Thank you for writing in with this very important question. As you navigate the ups and downs of dealing with a family that is less than supportive, just know you are not alone. There are supportive people who will want to build community with you, and so many LGBTQ+ people of all ages who have and continue to navigate family rejection.