I've identified as a trans woman for 4 years now. I've felt content with my identity ever since 9th grade. When I later realized I liked having a penis as a girl more than the idea of having a vagina, I thought I was done with the whole gender thing. For the most part, I solved my bottom dysphoria. I thought I had myself figured out. Hahahaha nope. All of this is related to my sexuality, my genital preference, the kind of porn I consume etc. etc. It's kinda complicated to explain.
I'm completely disgusted by masculinity unless it's presented on someone assigned female at birth (afab). I find masculinity unattractive on people assigned male at birth (amab). I like masculine and feminine girls and I like feminine presenting boys (femboys). The idea of a macho muscly man is completely unattractive to me, but I would fall head over heels for a cute boy in a skirt. I know for a fact that I am completely attracted to femininity, no matter a person's gender or sex. I have also found out that I have a huge genital preferences towards penises. Whether it's attached to a girl, a femboy, or a femboy so feminine you can't tell they're a boy. Not a problem, although 8th grade me would've been absolutely shocked.
This is where the confusion starts. I've mentioned before that I consume a lot of porn art of girls with penises and femboys. I usually try to ignore the slurs used to describe the art, though, because porn of my body type is rather hard to come by unless it's drawn. Recently, however, I've started to... identify (?)... with the femboys in the art. Femboys are NOT female per the name itself, they are very obviously male identifying. Usually they're flat chested and in feminine outfits. Most of the time, they're also drawn having sex with a penis. Obviously, I identify with the trans women I see, but identifying with the femboys is confusing me. I've always thought of myself as 100% girl 0% boy. The fact that I have a penis sure as hell isn't going to make me feel any less of a girl (in fact, having a penis made me feel more like a girl). But, now, I'm starting to feel like I want to be the femboys in the art I see. I know for a fact that I still want to use she/her pronouns, go by my chosen name, and present femininely. But, I also wouldn't mind if I dressed up as and was seen as a femboy in sexual cases where I want to be. That's the thing, I can only see myself as a femboy in explicetly sexual situations. Like, it's wild for me to think about. I'm a trans girl that might be part boy because I want to be seen as a feminine boy. I'm having trouble even articulating what I mean.
My girlfriend pointed out to me that this could be just be because femboy porn don't use the slurs I see commonly with trans women porn art ("sissy", "shemale", "futa", "trap", etc.). I'm attracted to that kind of art because I can see it as trans girl art but not as offensive, and maybe it makes me feel boyish but I can still be 100% girl. They also pointed out to me that I could very well be non-binary or genderfluid, but who knows.
I don't think I've lied to anyone. I don't think I've lied to myself. But, it feels like my previous experiences have been lies? To be fair, eighth grade bisexual male identifying me also said they would never have sex with a penis. Now look at me, discussing how how much I want to have sex with a penis makes me confused about my gender. I'm having trouble navigating these feelings of boyishness (don't know how else to describe it) since they go against how I thought I felt for the past 17 years. And, now I'm starting to question if I even want to develop tits for my transition into a woman. Girl me says absolutely yes, boy me says Hmmm. But femboys don't have tits. Right now, my brain has just been a big aaaargh!! for a few months. It's this feeling that just comes and goes when I look at some porn art but it's gotten stronger a few times. Anyway, hahahaha idk how to finish this except help?