Is it bad that I am quite frustrated with Cisgender Gay Men?

[Demigirl09]

So I am a Transfemme Demigirl and My experiences with Cis Gay Men have not been great. My Godfather is a Cis Gay Man and last June I went to a Music Festival with him and his boyfriend in honor of Pride Month, at the Festival all of the performers were all Cis Gay or Lesbian and I did not feel represented. During the event he made it all about Gay People and when I pointed out that there were no gender neutral bathrooms at the festival location he said it’s not a big deal dismissing me. I went home feeling a bit sad that night particularly since it was my first real Pride Month. When I saw him again in November I talked to him about how I felt that night and tried to better explain my identity to him and that didn’t go much better. He basically made it sound like being MTF and attracted to Men is Homophobic (I identified as Quadrisian then and am Omni now) had a hard time believing that I am Trans because as a toddler I was effeminate but never flamboyant and said that he doesn’t understand why I would call myself Transfeminine on a day that I am wearing jeans. I am not saying that all Cis Gay Men are bad, I am just saying that I feel that My Godfather and a few other Cis Gay Guys have not treated me as well as they should.


Thank You,
Nat
(She/Them)

[Sam W]

Hi Nat,

Given the experiences you had, I can absolutely understand why this would leave you frustrated, and I don't think it's a bad thing to have that reaction to things that are, well, frustrating. Sadly, being part of the bigger queer community doesn't automatically mean someone will be understanding or accepting, and in my experience one of the places that often happens is with cis, queer folks reacting to trans and nonbinary ones. It's frustrating, but as you pointed out, it isn't a universal reaction, so hopefully down the line your interactions with cis gay men will be affirming ones, not aggravating ones.

[Demigirl09]

Thank You Sam,
I think my frustration stems from the misogyny that some Cis gay men have and just feeling like my godfather tried to change me. Do you have any advice on how to repair the relationship with my godfather?

Thank You
Nat
(She/Her/They/Them)

[Willa]

Hi Demigirl09,

I am very sorry that you are not feeling heard by your godfather. You deserve respect and affirmation from not just members of your family but also members of the queer community as well. Would you say that the conflict originates from your godfather's ignorance about different identities than his own? I am sorry the second conversation did not go well for you- would he perhaps be open to looking at some outside sources that help do some of the explaining for you? If that is something you feel could be helpful we would be happy to find some sources to pass along.

[Demigirl09]

I think the information will help. Thank you.

[Andy]

Hi Nat,

I don’t know if Willa had some specific sources in mind (I’ll let her know that you responded so she can chime in with them if she had!) but I think this article could be a good starting place:Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer. It starts with the basics like explaining what a gender is, then focuses on identities beyond gender binaries and ends with some ideas how can everyone be more trans-friendly.

If you want to give talking about this with your godfather another try I think sharing some resource can be a good way to do that. Sometimes people are more open to rethinking their views when they have the space to do some thinking on their own and when the information comes from (from their point of view) "unbiased" resources and not people they know. But I also want to mention that sometimes it’s not that much about the lack of right information (after all, anyone can find a lot of good info about gender on the internet if they want) but more about not wanting to acknowledge and accept other people’s identities and experiences, and it that case no matter what words or articles you use, it might not change that person's behavior. I’m just throwing this in here so you won’t blame yourself in case the potential talk with him doesn’t help.
Another approach you can try could be to skip the ‘explaining’ part and tell your godfather specific things he should do so you would feel respected - like using the right name and pronouns, not questioning your experiences and identity, not dismissing your worries about gender-neutral facilities etc. He can, and should, do these things even without knowing or understanding much about trans and other identities. How does all that sound?

Let us know if there is anything else we can help you with!

[Demigirl09]

Hey there,

Just checking in on this thread, Willa If you could respond that would be great.

[Willa]

Hi Demigirl!

Sorry I didn't send the sources right away! I just wanted to check in first and see if that would be something that your godfather would be open to, because you know him best and what his threshold is. Were you able to take a look at the source Andy sent? I do think that source would be one of the better ones to start with. Another one in the Trans Summer School series is: https://www.scarleteen.com/trans_summer ... ith_gender. I feel these could be a good starting point with trust-worthy sources he can look through that will explain things clearly and respectfully to your identity. It seems like he is not understanding concepts specifically like the difference of gender expression and gender identity, so starting with these sources may give some more context for him. It may be helpful to start with one and give him time to process that before introducing abother.

I recommended the source because sometimes, not always, older generations more uneducated about communities they are not actively apart of. This is not an excuse for the behaviors but rather a point to start at if you are looking to reach an understanding of how to move forward. I definitely also agree with everything Andy was touching on after that point, this is just one possible route for you but at the end of the day your godfather also has to put in the work to meet you where you are it if that makes sense. You can always start with one source and discuss it together if you feel comfortable- also tying back to Andy's point it can also be helpful to give specific points to things he can do to affirm you and things he should avoid.