Not sure

[Tigger1]

Yer. I guess that will help!
No unfortunately we haven't discussed dealing with crowds, we have been more focused on my day to day stuff TBH.
Am not seeing either therapist until next week; rape crisis on Tuesday/ Wednesday and the other therapist I'm not seeing until the week after next.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay! I think that's something to bring up at the next session (ideally with the non-rape crisis therapist). If you're finding that your feelings in crowds are making it hard to cope with day to day stuff, then it's definitely something to discuss.

[Tigger1]

Hi

Generally speaking day to day isn't really a problem because I'm not generally around a whole bunch of people all in the same and it's not my thing anyway mainly because of personal space.
Wasn't a problem for me before my assault; being around a lot of people that is.

[Sam W]

That makes sense. Assault can throw so many things off-kilter, even things you're not expecting it to, and sometimes it takes learning new techniques or approaches to help you find ways to adjust.

[Tigger1]

Yer, it's finding those ways to adjust that I'm finding difficult because I have only been around a group as large as 40 since my assault and I freaked entirely and ended up sitting in the car. I don't want tomorrow night to be something that him assaulting me takes away, I've already had so much taken from me already and I don't want this spoilt (my father passed Xmas day 2015 and he got me these tickets for Xmas) I know the max capacity of the venue for tomorrow night is 20,000 people! That alone is freaking me out! I'm not even there yet!

[Sam W]

That's totally understandable (and something I've heard other survivors express). I would keep reminding yourself that you're not trapped at the concert, and that you're doing something that you want and are excited to do. It may also help to bring something with you as a distraction while you wait for the show to start (as the show should draw focus, hopefully, away from nasty thoughts).

[Tigger1]

Yer, I guess I'm still just trying to figure this whole thing, trying to find ways to deal with situations that freak me. Reminding myself as well that he can't hurt me again (even if it hurts to think about him, deep down I know he can't do that again!)
I've actually researched escape routes from seat to exit today (internet holds a map of venue!) might sound rediculous but feel a bit calmer knowing which would be the best option for escape.

Hadn't thought about taking anything with me TBH. Was just gonna take my phone and ear phones.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're figuring out ways to help yourself feel calmer And depending on the fanciness of your phone, that can probably hold distractions for you (games, podcasts, etc)

[Tigger1]

Oh yes. I have plenty of apps to keep me occupied whilst I wait
As I've said before music is my thing, it takes me to a whole other place, another world.
That's where I always start when I'm feeling anxious about anything. It's my escape. I've got a dozen playlist going on at the moment one for every feeling so far in the process of mine!

[Tigger1]

Hey,
so I went to court yesterday. I sat and I gave all my evidence, I read my witness statement and then my personal statement.
Then I listened to the fact that they had this CCTV footage from that night, I watched it and it was just horrible to see but then what came next made me wanna hurl. The CCTV shows him leaving my room and then returning a short time later. He spends a while in my room and then leaves again. In court he was asked 'why did you return to 'her' room after you had left?' He replied and I quote 'I went back for round 2' he then flashed me the most wicked, sickening grin I have ever seen.
HE WENT BACK FOR ROUND TWO!!!!! What!! I'm not sure how to process this statement, I'm not sure if knowing is better than not knowing. I know he was advised to tell the truth, I know this is because by doing so his sentence is reduced slightly, it just sucks so much right now.
He was asked a whole bunch of other questions obviously but to be honest I gave up listening to much after this. I did ask for a break once this statement had been made and was granted one shortly after.
The whole time we were in court he was just watching me, it sucks, this whole thing sucks!!!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I'm glad you we're able to get through your statement, but holy cow is he ever gross. Gross and awful, and it's so hard to have to hear it (and to have him continue to be awful at you). But, you survived something really trying, so big kudos there.

Have you had a chance to talk with either therapist about what happened in court? Or will you have one soon?

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,

I knew court wasn't going to be an easy thing to do, I knew it was going to suck. It was just 100 times more sucky than I thought it was going to be.
When the fact that I had a termination following my assault was told in court, he looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders.
he isn't a man IMO he is a monster.

I had a therapy session yesterday after court and have more next week. With both therapists.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that he was...well, as hideous a person in court as you already know him to be.

On the other hand, I know one of your big concerns in court was that he would deny would he did, and that something you have said you wanted is to know more about what happened. Of course, that doesn't mean getting those things, somewhat, makes them easy things. However, since him being truthful was something you strongly wanted, I am glad for you that you were able to get what you wanted.

What can we do to support you in this right now?

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

Yes. I did want to know more of what happened that night. More for my own sanity rather than anything else. I didn't like him having all the power in relation to knowing things I didn't. He didn't deserve to be the only one of us that knew exactly what he did to me. I stand by that, might be an odd thing to say but in ways I'm glad I'm not so in the dark about those things, at least now I know some of the details I felt like I needed to know, saying that part of me wishes I hadn't now. To learn what I did, in the way that I did hurts. A lot. I had to find out these details of what happened to me in a court room full of people where they got to find out at the same time. I haven't finished processing these details yet in all honesty. I am glad he told the truth, I am glad that (even though I understand it was for HIS benefit!) he owned up to what he did.

As for how you can support right now, I'm not entirely sure TBH. I am just hurting and confused and although hearing the truth was what I wanted it sucks so much.

[Heather]

I agree: finding out such personal things about yourself in a courtroom, with the person you feel most unsafe with in the world in the room, no less, is hardly an ideal way to get that information.

[Tigger1]

No but I suppose it's the only way I was ever going to get that information. It's not like I remember any more of what happened other than what I remembered and even knowing this information it hasn't led to me remembering anymore.
As I have said not a man but a monster!
I guess given more time I will come to terms with this new information more than I am right now, right now it's knocked me for six. I just can't comprehend how someone can be so....hideous. I don't get why he decided to be the type of person he was yesterday, truly let his colours show. Evil. Truly truly evil.

[Tigger1]

When he was asked about the drugs in my drink, he actually said 'I didn't make her drink it, she drank the drink herself' I'm sorry I wasn't aware that he had spiked my drink, I wasn't aware of the consequences of drinking those drinks. How/why is that even relevant??! No he didn't make me drink them but I didn't know what he had done to them! I don't understand why he felt it was a relevant thing to tell the court I drank them of my own free will. Screwed up. Totally screwed up. Trying to reflex the blame back to me? Trying to make himself feel better? Just trying to be an evil person.

Sorry folks. I'm getting angry.

[Carmen]

Hi Tigger,

Just to jump in and agree that what he is doing and the person he is are just awful! So sorry you are having to deal with this all and no less having to deal with him trying to turn around and blame you. And no need to apologize for getting angry - totally justifiable. This kind of situation warrants some well deserved anger.

[Heather]

You have every right to be angry.

This is very clearly a person who has no empathy for others, like, literally none. This probably isn't about making himself feel better because he is not likely to feel bad about this, given he has no empathy, and he did all of this.

More likely is that he really thinks that if he drugs someone's drink and they drink it, that's on them. He probably really feels entitled to assault women, and thinks that's right because it's what he deserves. It's pathological, in a word.

So, it might help to see what you can do for yourself to keep reminding yourself that this person lacks humanity, and no one in that courtroom will have possibly missed that and known just how victimized you were. I know it's a bit of cold comfort, but at least knowing you don't have to wonder in the slightest if you were believed -- because anyone who isn't pathological likely felt horror and disgust with him, too -- might give you something of benefit.

But too, your anger is also of benefit. Anger with what he did helps get you out of self-blame, and also away from any emotional attachment you've had to this person. Both very good things.

[Tigger1]

Thank you, all of you!

I am angry, really angry. I do still keep going back to 'if I hadn't of drunk those drinks, maybe this wouldn't have happened' but then maybe it would have done. Given the type of person he seems to be, I can't help feeling this would have happened regardless of how much of drunk or even if it had been another night. I can't help feeling like it was just waiting to happen. If that makes sense. The fact he showed no remorse for what he did, yet still had the nerve to blame me for drinking was just....well words can not explain in a nice way!

[Tigger1]

So I know it seems like a bizarre question but where do I go from here? How do I move forward knowing what I know now?

I can't describe how hurt I'm feeling, how angry I am, I feel relieved and betrayed and so very very stupid.

[Heather]

You just keep doing what you have been: getting the kind of external help that you need, learning to care for yourself, giving all of this the time it will just take -- and very incrementally, usually over years -- and doing what you can to keep living your life.

What do you think it is you feel stupid about? What does any of this have to do with your intelligence?

[Tigger1]

Right now, I feel stupid for caring, for actually believing that he might have shown some sort of emotion some sort of something for what he did, I get that you told me he wouldn't but deep down I still hoped for something. I feel stupid for not seeing it coming, for letting him in, For not holding up the walls I usually have with people. I feel stupid for being angry at myself as well as him. I feel like I've let myself down.

[Heather]

The thing about predatory people, especially when they're as pathological as this guy seems is that even when they're not smarter than the rest of us, they are usually much, much craftier.

Not seeing them coming, or being manipulated by them isn't about being stupid, and that's why we see that victims of abuse are always all across the intelligence spectrum.

Alas, we can't somehow be smart enough not to be abused: that's just not how abuse dynamics work, and it's not how abusers work. They intentionally withhold the information that would ALLOW someone to use their intelligence to recognize as dangerous. And without that information, we can only protect ourselves with smarts so much.

[Tigger1]

That makes sense.
my heads just all over the place at the moment. All these thoughts and feelings are just jumbling together again and I am struggling. I can't help but feel angry with myself, rightly or wrongly I am. Like you say hopefully given time those will subside.

At the moment I feel broken all over again. I feel lost, I feel hurt. I feel betrayed and I feel used.