I’ve always had a boyfriend — not the same one, but one after another. I was so excited about romance that I felt I couldn’t let any one of them pass. And when it was over? Boys who were once “the loves of my life,” bearing my emotions in the palm of their hands, were suddenly forgettable. I specifically recall whispers about other girls with a habit like mine, judging, “She can’t be alone,” making me wonder… Can I?
And then a couple of years ago, I was being evaluated for ADHD when the psychiatrist asked:
“Do you become intensely focused or obsessed with a new hobby?” Yes.
“Do you get bored easily?” Mhm.
“Do you start tasks or projects that you don’t complete?” And then it clicked: I don’t have a problem being on my own — I just have ADHD.
If this sounds familiar, nothing’s wrong with you — and you’re not alone. But I didn’t know that yet.
After a decade of thinking I was the problem, I turned to a friend who I hoped would validate my theory. And she did. I knew that Sophia had been diagnosed for years and been both on and off medication at times. Turns out, she too gets overly excited when hitting it off with a new guy.
“When I first start, it’s like I’m head over heels,” she told me. “And I think that’s something I learned after getting out of my last relationship — that all the excitement I have before getting involved with people was actually just expectations I was setting up for potential partners. Then I start really looking forward to something that hasn’t happened yet and usually ends disappointingly.”
I’d often heard that ADHDers get hyperfixated on new “tasks and projects,” but I hadn’t heard a lot about it in relationships — though, it makes sense that hyperfixating would manifest there, too.
As Dr. Amber Walser, an ADHD specialist, told me, she’s noticed a clear pattern among her patients’ lived experiences: ADHDers tend to seek sensation, with more excitability because of hyperfixating — which both Sophia and I seemed to resonate with. Maybe I wasn’t afraid of being without a boyfriend, but rather, I was excited about the possibility of having met another one. “You’re chasing a good feeling,” Dr. Walser told me. “Which all of us do, but people with ADHD really like that.”
However, as all of my ex-boyfriends can attest — when I’m done, I’m done. And with the “hyperfixation” logic, if the sudden dopamine rush inspires my crushes, eventually the dopamine crash causes my sudden disinterest — right?
Interestingly, Dr. Walser has noticed parallels between my dating history and ADHD patterns in other areas, like work. In fact, any time she’s working with somebody who she suspects has ADHD, she asks about romantic and work history, “because those are two things where a person might have a lot of passion, interest, excitement and focus at first, and then they can lose interest very quickly and become bored. And the same goes for romantic relationships — they’re all in, until they get bored.”
What goes up must come down, I guess.
Perhaps I experience a version of this somewhere in between the boredom Dr. Walser describes, and the expectations Sophia sets.
My past relationships weren’t negative experiences, per se, but in retrospect, I have been known to get excited about something without much evidence that I should. By the time the honeymoon-phase dopamine wore off, I’d realize the connection wasn’t what I thought it was — or maybe never was.
After putting enough boys through the fast-paced romances that come with myself, I asked Dr. Walser, “How do we know a romantic partner really is all that or if we’re just hyperfixating?”
But even she had to think about it. And after a moment, she answered, “Wow, that’s a hard one. I’m not sure how to tell someone else if they feel a real interest or if they will drop off.”
After another moment, she suggested an ADHDer becomes really familiar with their patterns — even by logging them. “I would be looking at academics, jobs over time, romantic and platonic relationships and have someone get really familiar with the patterns they see,” Dr. Walser said. “Do you start off strong in the beginning of the semester and eventually get overwhelmed and stop going to class? Ask your friends or family for honest feedback about if you come on strong and disappear after a while before coming back around.”
Obviously, ADHD comes with a cocktail of symptoms that make the world difficult for us — a neurotypical person’s “bad habit” is a neurodivergent person’s natural state. For instance, my tendency to interrupt has been a point of contention in most of my past romances — which, before my diagnosis, often made me feel ashamed.
Sophia noticed this in her life and sought feedback from a friend — as Dr. Walser suggests. “And she told me I could just practice waiting my turn with her,” Sophia said. “Now, I handle every conversation like that — consciously reminding myself to be patient during conversations.”
Even though clocking in to conversations like this can be both difficult to remember and tiring to maintain, this level of mindfulness might be worth the most invaluable relationships.
Post-diagnosis, I dove into research of my own to find more ways to better assist symptoms. A few findingsexternal link, opens in a new tab piqued my interest: More than two-thirds of ADHDers have at least one other coexisting condition, and 99%external link, opens in a new tab experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) — the reason minor conflicts might feel really big for us.
My friend, Audrey, was also recently diagnosed with ADHD — and since, we reach out to one another to ask something like, “Hey! I often do [some behavior] and feel [some emotion] because I think [this thought]. Do you relate?”
And she noticed a pattern of sheltering herself from potential rejection by being the one to do the rejecting — the only foolproof way to avoid being the victim of rejection… until it wasn’t.
A few years ago, she was a month into a relationship when she knew it was time to end it. But instead, it turned into six months of — as Audrey put it — “a really weird situation.”
“I would constantly try to break it off,” she told me. “He couldn’t accept me ending things with him. And then we settled on something.”
They came to an agreement: “How about we — say the 30th of August — stop seeing each other completely?” And the shelf life, which began as a semi-joke, ended with Audrey finally pulling the plug.
But after months of working up the courage to stand her ground, Audrey heard whispers that he’d said everything was his idea — and that she just couldn’t let go.
“I feel like the way my rejection sensitivity manifests is really not wanting to make the first move or regretting reaching out to someone and feeling really icky about thinking I misrepresented myself,” she said. “What I’ve realized is that dating is never fun, because I always feel this way — I always get the ick. But it’s really just internal shame and embarrassment towards myself.”
Audrey’s avoidance came from her perceived rejection — but catering to it really manifested into her worst fear. That’s the heart of RSD — Dr. Walser notices her patients have intense emotional reactions in response to “perceived slights or small setbacks.”
“So they’re really in touch with their feelings,” she said. “But they may not understand that this is a function of your ADHD — that there might be a misperception going on here. And this doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but they might be overblown a bit.”
What she said reminded me of a study I read called, “Dysregulated not deficitexternal link, opens in a new tab,” which found that many young adults with ADHD don’t relate to the traditional understanding of their diagnosis — “attention deficit” — but have the most difficulty regulating emotions, struggling with self-concepts and experiencing internal overwhelm. This understanding of the neurodivergence really lends itself to ADHDers falling — both in and out — hard and fast. And given the classic understanding of the condition (as in the name itself), it’s no wonder that the emotional dysregulation aspect is far less understood and studied. Unfortunately, as the study points out, that’s the main point of contention for people with ADHD, leaving us confused, misunderstood and worse — without answers.
And when is more likely for emotions to become dysregulated then when dating? Who’ll find triggers and activate trauma-responses better than a complete stranger with the goal of getting to know you in the most complete and utterly intimate ways possible?
But since the neurotypical world is not inherently accepting of neurodivergent tendencies, how can we date without leading unassuming company onto an unforgiving, emotional minefield?
As Dr. Walser says, “Know thyself.” She suggests having strategies memorized or at the ready — a “dopa-menu” — including anything that you know will calm your system after emotional overwhelm, like going for a hot girl walk, listening to your “it’s gonna be OK” playlist, watching Legally Blonde or even scrolling through your favorite influencer puppy’s page.
When I feel the internal overwhelm bubbling over, I’ve noticed it starts in my toes. And that’s when I consciously manage my breath. But when the overwhelm is winning the battle, my boyfriend knows when I announce my overwhelm, it’s time to take a breather and return when I’ve re-stabilized. But I do like another suggestion by Dr. Walser — a non-verbal cue, like the ‘Time Out’ symbol — that both you and your partner knows means, “I’ve reached my limit and I need a break.”
As the Yale study concluded, we’ve all been there. From being late to dates and interrupting during them to internal overwhelm shutting down your nervous system, and in turn, shutting out your partner — dating with ADHD is a unique experience. And even though it sometimes feels like a disadvantage, your brain isn’t broken.
If your brain makes dating more intense, that doesn’t make you unloveable. It makes you love hard, live passionately and, ultimately, someone worth getting to know — especially when you’re learning to know (and love) yourself first.
“Because their brains don’t work with rules, people with ADHD can be great at brainstorming as team partners,” Dr Walser said. “Besides, you can get a lot done when you’re able to focus on something for five, eight or ten hours at a time — It’s a superpower.”
And if you’ve ever seen a superhero movie, you know that when they first discover their powers, there are learning curves — often with consequences. But once the protagonist studies and practices harnessing their abilities for good — they save the world.
