The last few weeks I've been contemplating if my labia are bigger than my ears.

My partner became aware that this was on my mind because every few days she'd hear me murmur, "You know, I think my labia are bigger than my ears!"

From the look on her face I could tell she was trying to picture what my labia looked like, and then she'd peer at my ears. "Surely not. Of course they're fabulous, but I don't think they're that big."

"But I mean, fully stretched out, not just dangling."
Then she'd say, "Yeah, they could be. Should we measure?"
I'd demur, "Oh no, I'm not in the mood."
"Okay," she'd say.

Yesterday I was lying on the couch when she asked again, "Hey, do you want to measure your labia now?"
I thought about it and was like, "Okay! Yeah!"

She brought over the 30 foot metal tape measure and I pulled off my pants and sat down on the ground. She was very scientific about it and measured my ears first and wrote it down on a clipboard. Once we had the baseline, we moved on to my inner labia. (Interestingly, we found they're almost the same shape as my ears.) I knew I wanted to measure the bigger one first.

And, indeed! My left labia is bigger than my ear! My other labia is the same size as my ear. And as I expected, my two ears are the same size as each other.

"My left labia is bigger than my ear!"
"That's right, sweetie. It is."

My partner is a big fan of my labia. She even does an impression of them that truly captures their spirit.

If you ever meet her, she'll do it for you.

Want to see some accurate illustrations of labia and vulvas? Check out Betty Dodson's drawings here on Scarleteen.

* My high school Latin teacher would want me to note that the proper singular of labia is labium, but I wasn't walking around the house talking about my ear-sized labium.


Fantastic, and hilarious.