How to deal?

[MusicNerd]

so, I've been thinking about my... complicated... relationship to my parents and I'm struggling with something (well, multiple somethings). basically, after a long time of doing therapy (though i'm not currently seeing a therapist, but looking for a new one) I've realized that my upbringing was full of emotional abuse, full of things that I thought were totally normal and okay but were really not okay at all. it was really hard to accept that when I first realized it, but now I've come a lot more to terms with calling it that.

right now I'm realizing that I'm having a really hard time embracing closeness with people (mainly in any non-platonic setting-- I mean, I haven't even gone on a date since March, and that barely counted since the other person was hungover and I carried the majority of the conversation for the half-hour it lasted... yeah, it was a shitshow that I can now laugh about. lol). and I feel like my aversion to getting close to people, especially if I like them, is in large part due to the fact that I haven't really moved past things that happened in my childhood and adolescence (and even into my first couple years of college).

basically, I feel like if I forgive my parents, then I'd somehow be saying that what they did was okay. but like... I also feel like even though their parenting was super toxic, I kinda have to forgive them for my own emotional well-being and closure, and if I actually wanna get close to other people without that feeling so scary. so.... where would I even start the process of forgiveness when that feels like saying what they did was fine?

[Mo]

Hi MusicNerd,

I don't know that I have any great insights about forgiveness, because it's something I struggle with sometimes. If someone hurts me in some way, but afterwards expresses remorse and a desire to do better in the future, then it's an easier process, but it's hard for me to set down my anger and think about forgiveness if someone doesn't acknowledge what they've done or if their actions were bad/hurtful enough.

But I think it might help to think about it as something you do for you and your own mental health, and not for them. I absolutely hate the feeling of being intensely angry at someone; I don't like how the anger makes me fixate on someone I don't even like, how I replay events in my mind trying to come up with the best thing I could have said, or inventing a scenario in which the person realizes they're terrible and begs my forgiveness, and how I find so much of my mental energy is spent on events I'd rather just not think about that much. If "forgiveness" as a concept doesn't feel right to you, maybe it can help to think about this in terms of trying to free up some of the brain-space you might be spending on anger and frustration?

You don't have to tell them "parents, I forgive you for your abuse" if and when you come to that point; if that's an internal process for you it won't necessarily impact them. Some people choose to have a discussion with the person they're forgiving when they get to that point, but whether or not you want to do that is entirely up to you. The process of forgiveness, or letting go, or setting that anger aside in a little box you can look at occasionally without it constantly oozing all over you, or whatever you choose to call it, doesn't have to mean you accept or approve of their actions.

This may or may not be helpful, but that's how I try and think about it. I don't know that I've forgiven all the people I consider to have treated me poorly but I do try to keep from thinking about them too often or from being overwhelmed with anger or resentment; maybe that's kind of the same thing.

[Redskies]

Mo's response is so beautiful!

I have a few thoughts, too. I feel like I often see forgiveness presented as saying "it was fine" or "it's fine now" or "it's in the past"; but that's not what forgiveness is. Forgiving someone doesn't mean saying or thinking that what they did was fine. After all, if it was fine, then there'd be no need for forgiveness and nothing to forgive. Instead, I think, forgiveness is reaching some kind of acceptance - whatever that means for each individual person - that what happened, happened, and that the person or people who did a wrong thing or hurt you did indeed do that thing. You can still think that it was wrong and recognise that it hurt you: those kinds of truths aren't in conflict with forgiveness (at least, not for most people).

Often, forgiveness can involve having some kind of compassion for the person/people who did a wrong thing or hurt us. There's something that's usually needed before we can get that: enough compassion for our own self. I think that often, someone who's having difficulty forgiving - when they think that would be healthy for them - has some need/s of their own that are unmet. After all, it's going to be extremely difficult to achieve any peace or acceptance about a thing when there's still a very real way in which it's Not peaceful for us. So, one thing I'd suggest trying is to take really, really good care of You. Do what you can to give yourself what you need.

Especially with family members where a childhood wrong was still happening fairly recently, some people need a little space of some kind to basically draw a line in the sand, to be very sure that the wrong is all on the past side of the line, to get used to it being that way, and to re-calibrate and re-set the relationships in a healthier way. There's nothing wrong with not being able to forgive right away, and needing some space first: don't pressure yourself into reaching a new stage in the relationship with them if you're not quite ready for that stage yet or if you need to re-build some of your trust first.

[MusicNerd]

These were really insightful and helpful answers. Thanks so much for writing back, Mo and Redskies! Y'all gave me a lot to think about regarding forgiveness and what that means.