I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[hawley-smoot]

I realized today that I am very much more at fault for the problems in those relationships than I was goving myself credit for in those earlier posts.

[Heather]

Can you explain to me who not seeking out help elsewhere (especially the kinds much more likely to help you than what we have to offer, particularly since we've now established a pretty firm pattern of you making clear that what we are offering or saying isn't what you agree with or have any intent on getting on board with) isn't based on you not being willing, but being unable?

In other words, you can't seek out counseling (not won't, can't) because __________. You can't use other helplines or support services, not because you don't want to, but can't because __________. You can't talk with your parents and ask for their help and support, not because you don't want to, but because ____________. We can't work wit you to refer you to other resources or services that we strongly feel will be better able to help you, not because you don't want to try elsewhere, but can't because _________.

I do need to make clear that if and when a user tells us they have to be here because their life or well-being is at risk, we HAVE to draw hard lines there. We are not set up, practically or legally, to help users who are in any kind of space where they are at risk of self-harm, and it is imperative we direct those users to others services which are set up for that.

The second half of this page makes those kinds of hard limits here clear: http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services

[hawley-smoot]

I'm sorry.

[Johanna]

Hi Hawley. I have a few thoughts and questions about your frameworks for relationships, but I am going to hold off on those until you have answered the questions Heather has posed. While we do want to help you, and do not feel in any way like your posting here is detrimental to us or this service, or a waste of our time, we really cannot be a lifeline for someone who feels that posting here is the only thing keeping them from doing serious harm to themselves. That is a place where professionals need to step in, in ways that we as a web-based service - especially one centered on sex education, not mental health - cannot provide.

[Heather]

Too, we also really need anyone here working with us to actually work with us, which means following along with things we're asking, rather than avoiding answers, or skipping back to where they started, refusing to engage in the way you need to to actually *be* working with us, please.

[hawley-smoot]

By 'risky behavior' I meant something along the lines of entering another relationship. I don't mean the kind of harm you're mentioning. I'm sorry if that was unclear.

[hawley-smoot]

I guess it's not about being unable, but I refuse to seek counseling or tell my parents, because of how they reacted when I did previously. I wasn't aware that another support service or helpline would be proposed, I wasn't considering that. I have no problem seeking out other resources or services, as long as they are online and free, because I won't get my parents involved again.

[hawley-smoot]

Please, I'll do anything.

[Heather]

I'm sorry this post got missed, hawley. Can you get me current on what, at this point, you'd like from us? I'm not feeling clear on what you're asking for at this point.

[hawley-smoot]

I'm not sure, I just don't know what to do or where else to go, and I feel very alone. I can't tell if I'm getting more or less anxious, but my ex has, if anything, gotten more caustic, and I feel so trapped. I'm sorry that I still can't go to a therapist, but if there's another solution, I would do anything if it would help.

[Johanna]

I feel like we have given you a lot of options for thinks that may be helpful (even aside from seeking out a therapist, which would of course be optimal): calling a hotline for support, talking to your parent, cutting down on your workload some so that you can get more sleep and feel less stressed, as well as basic self-care. Can you maybe revisit those options and spend some time thinking about how you can give one or more of them a try? I know that they all involve making changes in your life and devoting some time to yourself, and that can be scary, but that's really the only way we can make some lasting improvements to the way we feel. There is, unfortunately, no magic bullet.

Can you also elaborate on what you mean when you say your ex's behavior is getting more caustic? What is he doing?

[hawley-smoot]

I am too afraid to call the hotline, don't want to hurt my parents by telling them, and have lessened my workload now that my tests are all over. I'm still not sure what self-care would work, but I've been going to school barefoot, running until I'm too angry to continue, and doing more music and art to try and distract myself, but I feel on edge regardless.

He still ignores me more than anything else, but even on top of his previous strategy of derailing everything I said and making passive-aggressive comments that pertained to aspects of our relationship or my specific struggles, he has also become more argumentative and prone to starting conflicts or ranting about things related to me.

[Johanna]

In your post that I just replied to, you said that you would do anything. And now, you are turning down just about all of the suggestoins we've made to you, again. Do you see how that makes it rather difficult for us to try and help you? I understand how tough it can be to deal with some of the things you're going through - I really do. And I do want to help. But I can sit here and say helpful things until the cows come home - unless you put some of that to action, nothing is going to change.

I am glad to hear that your tests are over. I am going to link you to our two articles on self-care again, to give you a better idea of what I mean when I say that. Taking care of yourself when you are used to just pushing things aside and functioning can be kind of a wierd feeling, and it's normal not to know where to start. But even small gestures of self-carfe can have a big impact. Earlier, I suggested coming up with a bedtime ritual: maybe you can give that another try? Since you have specifically mentioned having trouble with sleeping, focusing on relaxing before you go to bed might already make a big difference for you. A good starting place can be to turn off all electronics a half an hour before you want to go to bed (computer, TV, phone, etc), and do something you find calming, like drinking some herbal tea, or taking a bath.

Here are those articles again:
Self-Care a La Carte
Self-Care When It's Scary

Do I understand correctly that you are still in regular contact with your ex? Have you considered cutting off that contact, since it sounds like it's been mostly a hurtful and stressful experience for you?

[hawley-smoot]

I'm scared of calling the hotline partially because I don't know what to expect, and partially because I'm worried that they will tell me that what happened wasn't assault and that I'm wasting their time. What could happen if I call? I intend to the next time I have unrestricted phone access when I know nobody else will find out about it.

I've been trying to do more self-care, but doing something consciously seems to just remind me of what I'm trying to avoid thinking about, so then I have more to clean up or be responsible for once the anxiety hits again. Sorry, I'm not a very calm person.

I have cut him off in all ways that I can, but he still has my cell phone number, a regular audience with my best friend, and a spot in my classes. I try not to listen, but I'm pretty used to being afraid, so it's not that big of a deal anymore.

[Johanna]

I am glad to hear that you'll call a hotline. I truly think that this is going to be helpful for you, not jsut because of what might come out of that conversation, but also because stepping up for yourself and taking action to improve your situation is a powerful thing. As for your concerns - I hear you. Opening up and reaching out for help is scary stuff. When I called a hotline after i was assaulted ten years ago, I dialed and hung up a handful of times before I actually talked to someone. But when I finally had the nerve to go through with it, it was a very positive and empowering experience. Now I volunteer on a hotline for abuse survivors myself, and I can assure that you every one of the other volunteers I work with are kind, thoughtful, sensitive people who do what they do because they want to help.

Maybe you can also think back to how you felt before you first posted here? Maybe you had some of the same doubts? But it seems to me now that you're feeling quite safe here, and are finding these interactions helpful. Can you remember what helped you to make the decision to post anyway? Maybe you can use that same strategy for making that phone call.

I am sorry to hear that your ex is still such a presence in your life. He sounds like a pretty toxic person, and being in constant fear is sure to be a contributor to your stress and anxiety. Have you thought aobut blocking his number? You can't help being in a class with him, but you can help getting phone calls from him. And hopefully, you won't have to see him anymore once you are on summer break?

[hawley-smoot]

But what will they say? I don't want to go in without having at least an idea of what is going to happen. I don't know if I really need to feel 'empowered' or anything, so I'm really not sure what a hotline is even for, or what it does.

I didn't expect those things when I posted here, because I had read a few of the articles beforehand, and hadn't posted on the other site, in which everyone told me it was my own failure to communicate that caused the event in question to occur.

I blocked my main number, but can't block the one he still has. My friend tells me about things he says frequently, but they don't talk about me, so it's not quite so bad. He'll be moving 1600 miles away within the next few months to go to college, so it should be over then. He apparently is asking a lot of the girls in my school, including my best friend if they would be interested in pursuing a relationship with him, so the constant rejection is probably making him worse.

[Johanna]

So, obviously every individual counselor is going to have their own style on the hotline, so I can't give you a play-by-play. But I can tell you what a hotline is about, generally. Most hotlines are operated by a crisis counseling center, and they tend to offer a variety of different services, depending on how they're funded and staffed. The hotline is usually the first way that a caller reaches out to such a center, and the main job of the counselor is to listen, and let the caller them what they need. So if you tell the counselor that you just need to talk to someone, or that you'd like another perspective on something that you went through, they'll give you the space to do that. You can also say that you don't know what you need or what you're looking for from the call, and then the counselor may make some suggestions. So basically, it'll be a lot like the conversation you've been having with us here, except it will be with someone in person, and with someone who's local and can point you towards other resources, as well. If you want, you can give me your zip code, and I can look around to see what's in your area?

I'm gald that your ex will be far away soon. Hopefully that will finally give you the space to let go of some of your fear and focus on moving on.

I am also wondering if you would like some recommendations for books to read that you might also find helpful?

[hawley-smoot]

I'm in ******, but I also have the page for the RAINN online hotline up if that would also be an option. Thanks.

I'm hopeful that some distance will help me get over him, but my subconscious hasn't really seemed to change its opinion on him, even since the breakup. So it's hard to move on when I'm constantly reminded of my feelings for him via persistent thoughts and occasional dreams about him.

I still feel pretty exhausted all the time, but I guess I could at least try to read some books if they didn't make me start crying every time I tried.

[Heather]

What RAINN would primarily do is find out where you are to get you connected with someone local, like we've been asking you about. In other words, mostly what that would offer you is a middleman. If that's what you want, and you prefer them to us for that referral, by all means, you can seek that out there, but if it's not, we also can refer you to something local (but still with a phone hotline).

If you don't mind me poking my head in some, when you do have big emotional bouts of crying, are those feelings productive? In other words, is letting yourself do that when you feel it feeling helpful or is that feeling like another place you feel stuck, where crying just isn't moving you forward at all?

If I missed this in the conversation, my apologies, but I also wanted to check in with you on if you feel you are suffering from depression? It sure sounds like it to me, so I'm curious about that, and if that's something you've had any healthcare evaluations with, now or in the past.

[hawley-smoot]

I have no preference, so it would probably make more sense for the referral to a local hotline to come from here, as I've already explained my situation on here. I don't like the idea of a phone conversation, but I would be willing to attempt one if the conclusion is that it would be helpful.

I don't feel that they're productive, as they've been happening even before the event we've mostly talked about on here, but I don't feel that I have the self-discipline to be able to keep it from happening as long as I'm alone, especially as they're most likely to happen when I'm falling asleep or waking up, or both.

I was never formally diagnosed with depression when it was happening in the relationship, but I've had so much less symptoms since the breakup that I doubt that I still do, even if I did before.

[Heather]

Here is a good listing of some of the local organizations and hotlines serving this area of help: http://www.connsacs.org/seeksupport/

These resources may also be of use to you: http://connecticut.networkofcare.org/mh ... 0.8000-050

With the crying, if you're not feeling it's productive or helps you to work through your feelings, and feels good, but you can't seem to stop, then, in my opinion, that's a good signal depression is afoot here, and getting evaluated and helped with that would probably help you. I'd also add that if you're not letting out your feelings, then crying probably isn't so much about lacking discipline as it is your feelings just trying to find someway to be expressed.

[hawley-smoot]

Okay, thanks. I'll try to find and call a hotline within the next week or two.

The crying is brought on by feelings of anxiety and fear more than feelings of apathy or low self-esteem, so I don't know if that changes your prognosis. Either way, the same reasons that keep me from going to a therapist or telling my parents also keep me from seeking a diagnosis of any kind; and my experience with the counselor/therapist before didn't feel productive enough to make me want to reconsider my reasons for avoiding it. I appreciate the concern, though.

[Heather]

Well, I'm not making a prognosis, because I'm not a mental healthcare provider. The only kind of person I'd suggest should do that is someone who is one, who can see you in person, with real time, and the right education and licensing, and evaluate you.

By all means, just like say, our experience dating one person isn't going to tell us much about dating as a whole, the same is true of counseling and therapy. More often than not, if one provider doesn't seem to offer us much, it's usually either about a) the kind of therapy they provide not being a fit, b) they and we just not being a good personality fit, and/or c) us not actively participating enough in therapy to make progress, since the bulk of our outcomes with it won't be about the counselor/therapist, but about us.

What I'm voicing here with that is less concern and more problem-solving, since you clearly do not like how you have been feeling. This is one option, and probably a sound one, to get help changing things for yourself.

[hawley-smoot]

Sorry, then. I really don't feel comfortable doing that, though. I tried to participate previously, but I really don't express myself well in a way that others can understand, so I feel that I wasn't communicating to the therapist well. With my mother in the sessions, and very involved in trying to get me to feel better, I feel as though I wouldn't have made any more progress, even if I had continued with the sessions. As it is, I don't feel that I'm in a position to seek a psychologist until I'm 18, in college, and able to pay for it myself; so it will be another year and a half before I could seek that as a possibility. I understand that your suggestions are logical and would definitely be helpful, but I don't see how pursuing them would only make things worse in my particular situation. Sorry.

[Heather]

Well, you couldn't have done at all well with your own therapy when it wasn't yours in the first place -- it wasn't private between you and the counselor -- but by all means, if that's not an avenue you're open to exploring for help, it's not, and all we can do is accept that.