im lesbian but i have thoughts

[aomi]

so i dont know how to start but i always have intrusive thoughts and i dont know if this has a connection with my topic but i am a lesbian and i like women and girls i always found masculine women attractive and also when i was young i always had crush on them but when i was 7 years old there is a man harassed me in my thighs and when i was 13 i learned masturbating in a wrong way by old guys like 20 years old pedophilia.. so then in 2021 i started to read yaoi manhwa like man sex and stuff i felt something in my body and in 2022 i also started reading yuri girls sex and i also felt something and i had a online relationship in december but i always never thought about having sex or do something with someone i just want to do it with myself in 2023 i also had the same relationship and i started to learn and accept my body and not feeling guilty of what happened when i was 13 so i started to learn how vagina works and how moaning works and teenage stuff and i liked it but i always have the thought of i really like girls? if it ended up with a man? and who am i it is just a phase? i dont know and when i say i like girls and i hate boys i ask myself why do i hate them? i just dont like the penis .. i ask myself again why? do i really hate penis ...? i dont feel comfortable with men i dont know if it because my past or i just dont find it comfortable for me i like girls how we are the same and i like the way of thinking how we are the same and everything but today at 4 am i listened to a dirty music so i thought of girl riding man or something so i felt something so that makes me think what is happening with me? and i always tell myself if you were a women who is lesbian or bi or straight or a human you will always feel you want something in you or something like that so thats why maybe i felt something or i like penis? i just i don't accept the idea i dont want men or penis i just dont know what to do im not okay with it and i just feel wanted something in me not because of man i saw lesbians with dildo and these stuff so maybe its okay?
and i will turn 17 years old this year so i dont know

[Ellie]

Hi Aomi,

Welcome to the boards!

I can definitely understand why these questions may feel overwhelming to you! I'm so sorry you experienced sexual assault at such a young age. If that's a reason why the thought of being with men makes you uncomfortable, that is totally okay. If not, it's still absolutely okay to not be attracted to men for any reason or no reason at all. In fact, when it comes to who you're attracted to, there often isn't a "why." Most times it's just the way it is for us. Asking yourself whether or not your identity is true or if it's a phase is a very common worry. I always try to remind myself that it's my current reality, and if that changes someday, then I can reevaluate what labels feel right for me. And that's okay. It also makes sense to enjoy the thought of inserting a dildo but not a man's penis - that's not contradictory because they are not the same thing at all. Think of a dildo as a toy that women use to access pleasure inside their bodies. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about your sexual orientation. Does that make sense?