Untangling my identity from my baggage

[iLilli]

Figure I might as well bring this up here in the hopes that I’ll get some new insight into things.

So, I’m 28 and AMAB. For the last couple of years I’ve been questioning my gender identity… although maybe “questioning” implies a more active process. My anxiety and fear of “getting things wrong” have been a major roadblock in things, of course, but there’s a specific worry that’s played a major factor in dragging things out.

There’s a lot of context that I could get into, but the short version is that I’m not sure whether the feeling of “I want to be a girl/femme nonbinary/Cisn’t” is a genuine expression of my feelings, desires, and what’s comfortable and authentic to me, or if it’s effectively a symptom or coping mechanism resulting from a moderately dysfunctional relationship with gender and sexuality caused by a variety of factors in my past.

If it’s a genuine expression of who I am, that’s fantastic, and I’d feel very encouraged to spend more time actively exploring that.
However, if it’s ultimately the result of unresolved trauma, warped expectations, internalized misandry, a misidentified expression of my sexuality, some other kind of cognitive distortion, or even something comparatively trivial or petty, then I worry that pursuing that path further will end in disappointment at best, and could potentially end up feeding or magnifying those issues.

I know that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be trans, and I know that there are all sorts of resources available to help people who are questioning their gender identity, but while I’m sure that many people find those resources helpful, I can’t say the same. My brain’s insistence on structure and discrete, functional, almost prescriptivist definitions and categories (as a way to feel “in control” and counteract anxiety) mean that no matter how true they may be, the near-omnipresent subjectivity that most such resources use makes them almost useless for me, especially given the negative associations I’ve developed with ambiguity in general.

If additional context on anything would help, feel free to ask.

[Latha]

Hi there, iLilli

What if you changed your guiding question to something like 'What specific behaviors/things/ways of being are interesting to me right now?'. Maybe you don't need to search for your true gender, as a thing that exists within you, separate from your traumas, expectations, sexuality etc. You're not even looking for what kind of identity feels right- though that can be a useful question, it is a bit subjective. You don't have to make any decisions. You're just exploring what feels interesting.

Are you interested in feminine clothing? If you are, you could see how it feels to exist in feminine clothing for a while- it could be just a half an hour while you're alone. You don't even have to change how you identify. After all, boys can wear skirts.

The fact of the matter is, being trans isn't some kind of exclusive club. You don't need to pass any tests or jump through any hoops or know everything for sure to engage with transness. It is okay if you are uncertain about your identity. Do you think you can try to focus instead on the relative certainty of what feels interesting or good?

Sometimes the only way to know is to live. Give yourself the space to learn about yourself. I understand that is scary, especially since you have negative associations with ambiguity and uncertainty. But I see your fear of getting things wrong, and I have to wonder, so what if you do? What will happen if you identify as a girl/femme nonbinary/Cisn’t for sometime and one day realize it isn't the right fit?

I don't think anyone will punish you for doing something wrong. I want to understand, why do you think disappointment is the best result here? Is it not possible to feel neutral or positive about having explored something?

If I may ask, do you have any friends who are comfortable with gender exploration? If you explore this while having fun with a friend, that could mitigate the discomfort that comes with trying something new. Spending time in LGBTQ oriented spaces might also help, if you aren't doing so already. Being around people who are more comfortable with gender experimentation and fluidity might normalize it for your mind.