illegal?

[naurmi008]

my ex (who was 20 when we were dating, i was 13/14) convinced me to engage in sexual acts and i consented to it. is what he did illegal?

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

So, since the age of consent in Indonesia is 16, even though you consented to what happened, legally it's considered statutory rape.

How do you feel hearing that?

[naurmi008]

i was expecting that answer, i'm just worried because i sent him sexually explicit pictures before (i'm pretty sure it isn't illegal here, i asked my brother's friend who is a lawyer) and i'm scared he'll spread it D: it's been months since we broke up, and he promised not to do anything with them. my mom knows and is helping me figure things out (i have a whole other situation pertaining to another adult grooming me and my mom's helping me deal with that first). i don't know what to do

[Latha]

Hi there, Naurmi!

Ahhh, I can see why you're worried, though I hope that he will keep his word. Do you think it is possible to contact him and ask him to delete any photos he has? Since your mother is supportive, you could ask her to help you.

[naurmi008]

Hi! yes it is possible, but i'm scared he'll get triggered and spread it :/ and my mom is very caught up with the other situation that i don't know how to bring it up with her right now without stressing her out more/upsetting her

[Heather]

Hi there, naurmi. I'm so sorry that you have had these experiences of sexual abuse and grooming.

While I think it's loving as a daughter that you are concerned about your mother's stress, I would go ahead and let her take care of herself here, including managing her stress, and let her be your parent. It sounds like your mother is loving and supportive, and would probably want to know.

But if that feels stressful to YOU right now, we can also talk about some options you might have that you could explore on your own, if you liked. My first suggestion would be to see if that lawyer friend would be willing to offer some free work on your behalf. I think it is very unlikely that it would be legal for someone to ask for, obtain, keep or share explicit photos of a young minor under the age of consent (and who thus, also could not legally consent to those photos in the first place). It may be that a lawyer could easily get all copies of these photos back for you and make sure this person does not share them because they know the consequences.

I do also want to say that it's possible they already know the consequences, and that they won't share them because the harm it would do to them and their life would be great. I know that won't magically erase the fear you have around this, but perhaps it will help calm it some.

[Heather]

In case you (or your Mom) want additional help besides what we can offer you here, or more local/culturally relevant information, I also wanted to make sure you knew about the two hotlines for sexual abuse in Indonesia listed here: https://findahelpline.com/id/topics/sexual-abuse <3