did my ex rape me?

[Furiosa]

First off trigger warning, second i am safe and out of the relationship and have been out of it for a year now, but it has been tearing me apart ever since.
When the relationship started, i said i didnt want to have sex i wanted to wait till either marriage or moving in with my significant other. He seemed alright
with this at first so i didnt suspect anything was wrong. But then the first time we hung out after his friends left and we were alone, he pushed me on his bed,
and got on top of me. I was in shock and i just froze, he was kissing me and grinding on me, spreading my legs out and pushing his knees into my thighs.
After the initial shock i started to have a panic attack and cry, when he didnt stop i just went limp. Eventually he stopped, got up and left the room.
Leaving me there, crying and bruised. I told him i didnt ever wanna do that again and i felt terrible and ashamed and guilty. And yet,
a week later when i saw him again, it got worse. This time he held me down and took my clothes off, forcing me to touch him and biting me and hitting me.
it was in a public bathroom, I said i wasnt ready and i didnt want to. He did it about four more times that day. Each time going farther and bruising me more.
Throughout the relationship i had to cover up the bruises, at work, around family. Fast forward through this happening a few more times, and then he wanted
me to give him a handjob. I had said no in the past and this time i said i really didnt want to and i wasnt ready. Regardless he grabbed my hand and made me do it
i kept trying to pull away but hed just shove me back, i kept saying i dont know how to do this, i dont want to, can we stop. After this, that night he tried to penetrate me.
after a few minutes of not getting very deep, he sat up to get a condom when i said no stop, and he pushed me down but i shoved him off the bed. After this, he just
went back to doing what he normally did. Fondle me, kiss me in places i didnt want him to. During all this i would be bruised and lost emotionally. He would guilt me,
manipulate me, put me down during and after sexual interactions. Make fun of my body infront of my friends. He even stuck his hand up my skirt in public.
I never spoke up or did anything because i thought this is what a relationship is and this is what sex is. And i hated it, i hated sex i hated dating him but i also
thought i loved him. It took me months to even consider it abuse or rape and i still feel like i need someone to validate me because i keep second guessing
myself and doubting everything. I cant have sex i cant even date anyone because its so traumatic. i dont know what to do and i dont know how to deal with this.

[Johanna]

Hi Furiousa! Welcome to the boards. I love your kick-ass name!

It sounds like you already know the answer to the question in your title, but I also know how much it can help to hear it from someone else, specially someone who is impartial - yes, what your ex-partner was sexual assault. In fact, it sounds like the relationship was abusive all around: you are describing sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am very glad to hear that you have gotten away from this person and are safe now.

What do you need from us right now? Do you want to talk about how you're feeling now about sex and relationships? Would you like some help in finding resources to help you process what you've been through? Or something else entirely? Just let us know!

I just also want to make sure you give yourself credit. In your last couple of sentences you sound pretty down on yourself, and while I know that you're in a pretty rough spot, I think it's also important for you to remember how far you've already come. You've already done a lot of the hard work, and you're here asking for help moving forward, which takes a lot of strength.

(I see you've posted this twice, so I am going to close the thread you started in the relationships forum, and we'll stick to this one, okay?)

[Furiosa]

Thank you for replying so quickly, and yeah i kinda know it was abuse but its like i keep backpedaling on it every time it comes up and just circling the question. Ive never been able to be like this was abuse, this happened to me and it was wrong but im going to move on. So it just keeps eating away at me. I didnt really consider emotional and physical abuse but when i think about it there was a lot of it. I guess im down on myself because i feel ashamed and guilty, but your right i have come a long way which has been really hard. I still get these really bad PTSD symptoms and i feel like thats one of the reasons its hard to move on. Having anxiety attacks all the time, flashbacks, etc. I guess im just looking for someone to talk to about what happened and what a healthy relationship looks like,and that sort of thing cause i dont have anyone. If thats not something that i can do through this message board just let me know. (yeah i accidentally posted it in relationships instead of abuse sorry XD )

[Johanna]

Coming to terms with having been in any kind of abuse, but certainly having been in an abusive relationship where you also cared a lot about that person can be a really long process. So some going back and forth on this is certainly to be expected. While I understand the impulse to be hard on yourself with that, I also think it's healthier, and certainly kinder and gentler with yourself, to give yourself the space to feel conflicted and uncertain. This is about you and no one else, and there are no standards you need to meet in terms of getting better and moving on.

Are you getting any help to deal with your PTSD and panic attacks? If not, would you like us to help you find some resources?

We can certainly be a place for you to explore healthy relationships and what those might look like for you. Do you have some specific questions or thoughts you would like to start with?

[Furiosa]

Yeah its been a long process so far and its so painful to talk about most of the time it starts to hurt to much and i just bottle it back up.
I am going to therapy and have been for a while, but its really hard to talk about this in person.
I do actually, what do you think are signs and warnings of an unhealthy relationship. (friends or significant others).

[Sam W]

Hi Furiosa,

Has the therapist you've been seeing at least been able to give you some techniques for how to deal with panic attacks and the like when they emerge?

As far as warning signs go, there isn't a perfect system for spotting someone who is toxic, but there are things to watch out for. We've got a pretty decent summary here:
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Just off the top of my head (and other folks can probably think of more), I'd say some general red flags are:
-The person is jealous or possessive, doesn't want you to see or communicate with other people. Isolates you.
-Person is controlling, wants a lot of say over what you do.
-Person belittles you, constantly criticizes you, or mocks you and the things value
-Person threatens you (or actually does something physically, like throw something at you or hit you).
-You feel unsafe, stressed, or sad a lot of the time you're around this person.