Your ask is breaking my heart. Being fat doesn't make you ugly or undesireable. It just makes you fat, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
ScarleTeen has at least two great starting resources on how to navigate being fat in this thin-obsessed world that I would highly suggest you check out.
First is Navigating Sexuality as a Fat Teen
It goes through mythbusting, such as:
1. Being Fat Means You’re Unattractive
This entire idea is based in the problematic idea that fat people are somehow inferior to their thin counterparts, which is basically the definition of fatphobia. People also tend to assume that their personal preferences dictate the preferences of humanity as a collective, which just isn’t true. People are attracted to people of all body types, shapes, and sizes. The media does a poor job of representing this, but they’re lying to you - not everyone finds thin people sexy and not all fat people are found to be undesirable.
as well as how to cope with all the negative messages you've been taking in about your body, such as:
2) Get Rid of As Many Negative Messages as Possible: There are so many messages out there that tell you that you need to be thin in order to be attractive or desirable. You’ve probably been told inadvertently at some point that if you lose weight, your peers will look at you in a whole different light. This is all based on the idea that being thin is always better than being fat and that you can change your body at will. But in reality, 95% of diets fail. Trying to force your body to become a size that it isn’t is probably not going to work and in fact, may cause you to gain more weight (or stay the same weight and become unhealthy). So get rid of (or limit your exposure to) the unhealthy people, magazines, TV shows, and influences that are telling you that your fatness is a problem.
and how to navigate unsupportive family as well as self-discovery regarding your identity.
The second is Seven Ways to Love Your Body
Just as it sounds, the article goes over suggestions on how to start improving your relationship to your body and develop healthier thinking towards yourself. It is focused on women, but the suggestions themselves are gender neutral, and applicable to how you seem to feel about your body, imo.
ScarleTeen isn't the only place you can go to learn about body positivity either! VolUp2
is a great resource to start taking in positive images about body diversity. They are focused on displaying models you won't see in most other magazines and advertisements, and they're available on multiple social media networks, so you can follow them on your preferred medium. The Militant Baker
has an awesome
masterpost of several body positivity resources, including various websites, fashion blogs, social media accounts, and book recommendations on loving yourself as you are. Big Fat Science
is a cool resource for mythbusting with science(!) and learning about health and loving your body.
Look, kissing and dating - especially in high school - honestly isn't everything. It can be a lot of pressure and drama. There is also plenty of time to get out there and explore and meet people and have Dating Experiences(TM). Honestly, I think a lot of times for a lot of these things, they really are better to do after high school, when you've got more freedom of expression and experience and have had some time to figure out what you want and how to advocate for yourself.
But, just for reference, my group of friends were mostly queer (and mostly didn't realize it until late high school) and mostly fat. None of us kissed in high school. All of my friends from high school are now happily married before 30; one has a kid and another is trying for a kid.
You are certainly not alone in these feelings! But dieting is more likely to cause more problems than bring you any peace. Dieting is really a form of disordered eating and can cause a host of issues, including worsening your self-esteem and tying your self-worth to an unattainable body image.
The best thing you can do is work on taking in more positive messages about your body and do some cool things in the meantime. There's so many experiences out there waiting for you beyond just dating. Let yourself dream and don't forget to live your life regardless of dating status. <3