Fondling/Outercourse

[neni]

Hi Scarleteen staff!

I know that there is a lot of information on the site about what manual sex entails.. and I was wondering what does "fondling"/massaging entail? Does it include feeling up the breasts or buttocks underneath clothes? Or would that be considered manual sex? Thanks for the info! LOVE this site...

[Heather]

Hello, there, and bienvenido! Good question!

Usually, when people say manual sex they mean hands + genitals. That's what we mean when we say it, too. But since manual just means hands, and sex can mean anything, I get why you're asking! "Manual sex" really could mean hands doing just about anything when we take the diversity of what sex can be into account!

But I think generally, when people talk about fondling, they get specific, like talking about WHAT they are fondling, like breasts or a bottom, for instance. People also use terms like "breast play" for that kind of activity. I'd say the same goes for massage: that it can be general or specific, but when people are being specific about it, they'll usually say.

Of course, the golden rule is always just to ask a partner who is using terms with us to be clear about what they mean if we're not sure!

[neni]

Thanks Heather!
So to clear it up, massaging or fondling is anything BUT genitals? And its a good idea to talk about this with the partner you're with at the moment? Since it depends from person to person..

[Heather]

No, I wouldn't say that. People use "fondling" to talk about genitals, too. And you can massage genitals. Those are things that can be done to any body part, genitals included.

So, if people ask if they can fondle or massage us, before we say yes to that, we probably want to ask what they mean. Do they mean touch us anywhere? Then we should only say okay if we';re okay with that, and if not, specify where they can and where we don't want them to.

But totally, the moment when a partner asks you to do something and you're not sure what they mean? Is always the moment to ask, "What do you mean?" If we're in a sexual interaction where it ever doesn't feel okay or isn't okay to ask those kinds of questions, I'd say we should get outta there! Part of informed consenting means we all need to be able to ask each other clarifying questions.

[neni]

Thanks Heather! This clears it up.

[Heather]

Happy to help!