Feeling Frustrated

[uniquelyme]

Hi, I am a 15 year old girl and my boyfriend is 16 years old. We have been dating for about 3 years and we are very happy together. However, lately I have been feeling frustrated. We started being more physically intimate with each other about six moths ago. We have been taking things slow, and everything was great...until two weeks ago. So about three weeks ago I gave him a hand job. It was the first time I had ever seen him and everything went great, except he didn't want to ejaculate in front of me which was I understood. Then about a week later we were doing it again and he asked to see my breasts for the first time. I was fine with it and in the moment it was great. He even ejaculated in front of me and I was feeling great about our communication during it and about our relationship. The next day though, he said he was feeling guilty and that he didn't want to touch my breasts or ejaculate in front of me anymore. I kept a good attitude in front of him, but really I felt hurt. I feel like guys are suppose to want to do all that stuff, so why doesn't he want to with me. I am frustrated because I am happy that he trusts me enough to communicate with me, but hurt and confused at the same time. Also, we were being intimate again yesterday, with our new boundaries in place, and I had to stop because I felt uncomfortable. I was just wondering if anyone could give me advice on how to talk to him about what I am feeling and how to stop feeling frustrated and unconformable when we try to be intimate together. Thanks!

[Heather]

Feeling sexually rejected -- which is what it sounds to me you're feeling like -- certainly can be rough.

I'd try and keep a few things in mind here, though, and I think they might help with how you're feeling:

1) The idea that all guys always want sex all of the time is a stereotype, not a reality. People of all genders vary wildly in this respect, from person to person, but also just from day to day -- and guys are no exception: just like women, sometimes they'll want and feel comfortable with sex, sometimes they won't, and it's not just about how appealing they do or don't find someone else. A lot of guys learn that stereotype and so do behave that way (and some guys, like some women, do have a lot of sexual desire and also are often up for sex when it's on the table), but plenty of them only are because they feel like if they don't, they aren't "real" guys, or others won't see them as masculine.

The sad truth is a lot of guys don't feel like they're really allowed to say no to sex or otherwise opt out when they want to because of stereotypes like that and the power so many people give them.

2) The fact that you have a partner who feels able to be honest with you about their feelings of guilt or shame, and knows you care for them enough to respect limits they're setting says a lot about you, all good things. I can't imagine you'd want to be a partner where you're doing anything sexual with someone they don't really want or feel good about, and the fact that your partner feels able to be honest with you with this, and to trust you to let him go at his own pace, makes it very unlikely that'll happen, which is ideal.

In terms of what to talk to him about around this, how about we try and help you clarify your feelings first, so that you have the best handle on what it is to talk to him about?

If that sounds good, how about this: knowing all of what I just said up there and what you came here saying, can you pinpoint what exactly it is you're feeling now? Is any of this about something he could do or say to support you in your feelings, or to do to better care for your feelings at times when he -- like you -- is putting limits on sex, not wanting sex at a given time (as we all do often enough), or holding off on things because he just doesn't feel okay about them yet?