Question on Polyam and Dysphoria Progressively Getting Worse

[Demigirl09]

Hello There,
So as I have stated I am not in and have not been in a Relationship, However I would like some information on Polyamory as I in theory have started to think about being in a Closed Triad. Also as I have mentioned before I am Transfem and my Dysphoria has gotten to the level of me taking a bunch of Showers and still feeling Gross after and shaving my legs till they bleed. Could I have some advice/assistance with this?

Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

[Demigirl09]

Can someone respond to this?


Thank You

[Willa]

Hi Demigirl09,

What sort of information are looking for about polyamory specifically? One source I can point you to to get you started is: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... mory_guide. This is a good source to understand if you are interested in this relationship structure and the unique challenges and experiences that may come with it. Are you looking to join a specific closed triad or is that just the relationship you would ideally like to be apart of?

I am sorry you have been struggling with dysphoria. What sort of things prompt the desire to shower multiple times? Is it any dysphoria in general or is it triggered by something specific? Are there other ways you can express your gender or things that you can think of that may help curb the need to overly shower or shave your legs? Maybe after showering that is taking the time to pamper yourself with lotion or perfume or to put on an outfit that makes you feel comfortable. Overly shaving can cause irritation and razor bumps, so we also want to make sure to shave with warm water and some sort of shaving cream and to properly lotion afterwards, as well as taking time between shaving as much as possible.

[Demigirl09]

Hello Willa,
As far as the Closed Triad Goes it is more something that I am ideally considering for the future as my current environment doesn’t really allow for polyamorous relationships. As far as the constant Showering and Shaving goes I think it stems from not feeling Pretty/Beautiful enough.

Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

[Sofi]

Hi Demigirl09,

Thanks for clarifying! Before I move on, I want to check if the resource Willa sent re: polyamory, and the advice re: dysphoria, were helpful? Did you have any questions about what she said or anything you want to discuss about it?

[Demigirl09]

Hello,
Sorry, it took me so long to reply. It was a very busy week. Yes what Willa sent was helpful and I would appreciate discussing it more.

Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

[Sam W]

Hi Nat,

Okay! Are there particular points from any of it that you want to discuss more?

[Demigirl09]

No not really I would like to give the dysphoria slightly a bit more attention, but would still like to talk about both of them.

[Andy]

Hi Nat,

we can sure talk about both of these! Let’s start with talking about the dysphoria more first and if you have any questions about polyamory feel free to ask them and we will move onto them, okay?

I noticed you mentioned the dysphoria stems from not feeling pretty enough so I would like ask if there are any things that can help you feel better at the moment when it hits? This can be anything that helps you feel some gender euphoria or helps you feel better overall, things like changing into your favorite clothes, playing a game, looking up people you can relate to on social media etc.

Also, feeling the need to shave and shower multiple times sounds like a quite difficult to deal with and potentially painful and I’m sorry you are experiencing this. How often do you think do these feelings pop up and how intense they are?

[Demigirl09]

Hi Andy,
So I would say that the dysphoria upticks when I start to compare myself to the cisgender girls at places such as my school and their boysfriends and I start to over shower as an attempt to be pretty enough to get a boyfriend like them. Another thing that I have noticed that seems to trigger it is playing with myself without lube as that causes me to feel gross. One thing I have tried to calm myself down it like you said look up trans people I can relate to I am a fan of singer Kim Petras and typically listening to her music helps. Regarding Polyamory I know my Parents don’t really take me seriously on it because I started to think that it might be for me after My Transmasc cousin started to engage in it with a partner who had PTSD stemming from a childhood trauma so I have struggled getting people to take me seriously on it.

Thank You
Nat
(She/They)

[Sam W]

Hi Nat,

It sounds like you're already making strides in figuring out both what sets off that dysphoria and what helps alleviate it, and that at least some of the things that set it off--like not having lube--are relatively easy to solve for.

With comparing yourself to cis girls, are there specific things you feel like your lacking or that would otherwise prevent you from getting a boyfriend? Or is it more that some jerk part of your brain feels like because you're not cis, that in and of itself means you're not desirable?

In those moments, it may also help to reality-check your brain if you can by reminding it that looks are one part of many that goes into find a potential partner and building a relationship. Chemistry, compatibility, and attraction are way more varied and involve way more things than just "is this person conventionally" attractive. That's part of why people who look a whole bunch of different ways, including ways that aren't considered "attractive" by societal standards, can and do have happy, romantic relationships.

With your parents, does it feel like having a conversation with them about the poly part of your identity would be worth it to you?

[Demigirl09]

Hello There Sam,
So I feel that part of the issues I have when comparing myself to Cis Girls are due to me being Latina and the high standards placed on us when it comes to beauty as far as me not get desirable I feel that me not being Cis is a Big Part of it as many times I wish that I could just be your average high school girl that does cheer with a jock football player boyfriend and I am constantly pushing myself to be the girl of a Jocks Dreams and although I am Omni so I could explore sapphic relationships if I wanted to this is still hard sometimes. As far as being polyam I am considering bringing it up to my mom during pride month this year.

[Willa]

Hi Demigirl09,

Societal standards placed on us can often feel extremely daunting and perpetually out of reach, and one big reason for that is these standards are often unattainable. There is no such thing as a perfect high school girl who has a boyfriend and everything she wants and is completely happy with herself. The way society works is it keeps pushing us to reach a level of perfection that is unrealistic, often sacrificing mental and physical health in the process. Instead of focusing on turning oneself into this ideal (which trust me I know is so hard to break out of the cycle of), it can often be more helpful to focus on what makes you feel personally beautiful and what you love and appreciate about yourself and foster those aspects. Does that make sense?

In terms of the conversation with your mom, how are you feeling about your plan to discuss your identity with her?

[Demigirl09]

Hello Willa,
I will try to keep that in mind, as far as the conversation with my mom I think that should go fine.


Thank You
Nat
(She/They)