Anyone else?

[Dandelion]

So I'm going to try and word this as best as I can. I was sexually abused growing up and well I have finally started talking about it to people I'm close to like a couple of my friends. At first they were really supportive. But as time went on I just began to feel like they're sick of me. I've been struggling since the abuse ended. Flashbacks plague me. I swear everything seems like a trigger some days. When I opened up about the abuse I didn't have to always be alone anymore when things got too hard. My friend (we'll call him M) always was okay with distracting me. But I'm too sad I guess and he doesn't seem to want to talk anymore. I know its me. Its always me. I'm distancing myself from him and others.

Okay let me get to my point of even typing this... Has anyone ever felt like a burden and/or isolated themselves because of the aftermath of their trauma?

[Ashleah]

Hi Dandelion,

First I'd like to say that it takes a great level of strength to open up about abuse. Good for you. I'm very sorry that you have been feeling like a burden to your friends, especially since the support they provided seems like an important part of working through past abuse. I don't know the details of your friendships or if anything specific happened that makes you feel this way, but I do not think it unusual to feel guilty for needing/wanting your friends support through tough times, especially if opening up in this way is new for you. I doubt that your friends feel you are a burden and likely want the best for you since they were so helpful when you first approached them. If this is not the case, these are not people that you would want to have around!!!

A lot of times our friends don't always know what to do or say when people they care about are going through something difficult. They want to help, but aren't sure how. Sounds like for you, just having those relationships and being able to spend time with your friends, whether talking about the abuse or not, was helping. If you feel comfortable with it, you can talk to your friends about your feelings of guilt and the ways they have/can be helpful in supporting you. If that seems like too much right now, starting off small by reconnecting is also an option maybe with a text or phone call. But I want to let you know that you are not asking for too much in your friendship! It's not you! You deserve supporting relationships.

I hope that you will maintain these relationships with your friends, but do know that if you want to talk more about any of this, we are here for you. We can also help you get in touch with professional mental healthcare if this is something that you would be interested in. Just let us know how we can help

[Heather]

It took me a long time to even tell friends about most of my traumas growing up, and I know a big part of what kept me from doing so were my fears about how it would set me apart, make me an object of pity or make people treat me in ways I didn't want, like as something fragile or breakable.

In hindsight, I'm actually really sorry I didn't tell more people around me, particularly because now that I'm grown, I've since found out some of them had the same or similar trauma, and we could have been supporting each other instead of hiding out in isolation.

But I get it: when we're going through a very rough spot, people will sometimes distance themselves or turn away. Sometimes that's their way of setting needed limits for themselves (and often, people aren't so good at making clear that's what they're doing). other times, they're just not ready for that jelly, can't deal or don't want to. That sucks when that happens, but when it does, it's really not about the person who is in trauma, it's about that other person and their limitations.

So, it's not actually you, probably, or at the very least, that's not the only way to look at this. You could certainly talk to your friend to check in about if this distance is a matter of you asking for things, or for a level of help, that's just too much for them -- and if so, that's not about YOU being too much, it's about all people, including you, having a limit to what you can handle and what feels right to handle -- and see if you can't work together to find a way to stay connected and for you to get some support without asking for more than one person can provide.

I'd also suggest doing what you can to try and connect with people who might not have been through exactly what you have, but have been through things close enough to get it. Like anyone else (and again, that includes you, of course), they may have and need some limits, but they also will often be able to be stronger around a lot of this than others who haven't been through trauma.

And if you're distancing yourself, I find it helpful when I've done that -- or do it still -- to check in with myself about why I think I'm doing that. Self-protection is often a big player with everyone in distancing ourselves from others, so if that seems like part of the deal, you can look at what you're trying to protect yourself from, and how you can still do that without distancing yourself (like by building trust with people more gradually, and only sharing big things once you've built up a lot of it and tested the waters with them with smaller-big-things). If low self-esteem is a why -- it's another one that often is -- you can make sure you're doing things that really help with your self-worth, and perhaps connecting with others through those things.

But I do think one big deal with all of this is doing all you can to remind yourself as much as you can that having been traumatized doesn't make someone a burden, nor does it make other people's limits all about you somehow being "too much." I'd suggest you flip that script (and it's one people who have abused us and a culture that enables abuse put in there in the first place, really) and think about this, when it happens, as more about someone else not having enough room -- be that room energy or compassion or emotional strength or just having their own shit together enough to be able to carry anyone else's at all; about the room they have being too little (which is okay, mind you, even though it's means that person isn't going to be able to give you what you want or need).

Any of us -- traumatized or no -- who are doing a good job taking care of ourselves, who have limits and boundaries like emotionally healthy people do, who are in a place in life where we're struggling, etc -- are going to not have enough room for someone or something in some way, probably many times in our lives. That's just being human within the limits being human involves. But when that's the case, again, I think it's more helpful, and more truthful, to see that that's about us, when we're the person with not enough of something, not about a person with needs we can't meet being "too much."

What's "too much" and probably most feels like too much for you, and anyone else coming out of trauma, is the impact of that trauma and how much work it is to cope with it and come through whole, because boy, it really can be a lot. I think it can be very easy to project that unto other people and make it about us being unworthy or undeserving in some way, especially if and when we're in a space where our trauma has very much left us feeling unworthy, as abuse almost always does.

[Dandelion]

Thank you Ashleah and Heather for taking your time to respond.

I tried talking to one my friends (M) about why we dont talk much anymore and he said it's not a personal thing against me but he just needs time to himself at times. I told him I felt like a burden to him. He said that I shouldnt and its not some sort of a chore talking to me. He wants to be there for me as much he can and he would try to tell me if things ever are too much for him.

It kinda made me feel better I guess. But I know Im isolating myself. I dont mean to, I just feel like a bother. Im not sure how to boost that part of my self esteem.

I say I distance myself to just protect others from me but I think it's more of a fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable to people. Im afraid to let people see or know all of me.

[Redskies]

Hi there, Dandelion.

I'm glad your friend was able to respond in a way that was caring and felt at least somewhat positive to you.

It's pretty common for people who've been abused to feel isolated, and/or to deliberately isolate ourselves. I know I've done that at various points in my own life, for a bunch of reasons - feeling crap about myself, truly not having the resources to connect with another person, fear of the outcome, knowing that I simply didn't have the emotional resources to cope if the connection didn't go well. So, in response to your first post, yep, you're in good company on that here, and I suspect you would be in any supportive community of abuse victims/survivors.

When we've been abused by somebody, it makes a whole lot of sense to be afraid of being vulnerable to someone else. The abusive person betrayed our trust, badly, so it makes sense that we're hesitant to trust again; it's also a part of ourself that's being really wise and taking care of us. Abuse often - at least for a while - scrambles our metres for judging who or what is and isn't likely to be safe, and sometimes, feeling afraid of being vulnerable is actually a part of us keeping us safe while we're still in that place or before we're really emotionally ready to let people in again.

Do you have a sense of whether isolating yourself is giving you anything - like, for example, that possible extra safety - or whether it's solely a negative thing that's standing in the way of other things you Do want and need? I think sometimes people (generally, I don't mean at Scarleteen) don't say this enough, but if it's giving you something, that'd be okay. It's nothing to feel bad about and no personal failing if and when we find ourselves in that place. If it's giving you something and also making you feel bad or sad in other ways, we'd be happy to figure out with you ways you might get the things you want and need within your current capabilities.

I think you're already reaching out and opening up some simply by posting here. I think, too, that your inner self might be doing quite a good job of taking care of you: choosing a highly moderated, supportive, reflective space, where you get to pick the direction and speed of your own interactions, is a really good pick for your emotional safety (of course, I may be biased, working here ). I just didn't want you to overlook that if you were having challenging feelings about isolating yourself.

If the answer to this next question isn't a place you want to go or feel good about going, that's quite alright, no need to push it and answer - but in the event if feels helpful, do you know what you're afraid of about people seeing or knowing you?

[Dandelion]

Isolation doesnt help me in the slightest. I know it's negative and sometimes dangerous for me to do so but I do it anyway.
I dont want people to know about the details you know. Like if I open up and say I was abused I feel like their idea of me changes. They'll conjure they're own ideas of what happened. But I dont want to confirm their thoughts.

Maybe I havent truly fully came to terms with the sexual abuse. I just dont want to be treated like a victim. I dont want their pity. Im afraid of being treated differently. Like Im fragile. I mean I am in ways but I dont want anyone to really know or see that.

Tonight is really bad. I did something really and stupid. It kinda just reiterated that Im disgusting an worthless. I just hate myself. Im not strong and I just want the pain to stop. But I feel like Im not making progress.

[Sam W]

I think you're describing something that does happen when people disclose abuse, and sometimes it does result in people treating you like your fragile. One way to think about it is that you're revealing or showing different parts of yourself all the time, and people are shifting their views as they see fit. This is just another part of your life they'll have to integrate into the whole you. Too, if you do end up telling them and reaching out for help, you get to clarify how you'd like to be treated, and hopefully they'll respect that. Does that make sense?

A lot of survivors experience the feeling of making no progress (or of suddenly going backwards in their progress) so you're not alone there. Healing is not a linear progression. It has lots of ups and downs and moments of "I thought I was getting better what the heck happened?" You are not bad or awful for having a rough night or a set back.

[Dandelion]

Yeah that makes sense. I know progress isnt linear it just seems that when I have my lows they are too detrimental to come back from. Yesterday was a major drop. The same thing keeps happening. I guess its my fault. My mistakes. Its like I cant learn from them. I just keep letting myself get hurt. I wish I knew how to stand my ground better. Then I could stop the cycle of bad. At least hinder it.

[Sam W]

It can feel that way no doubt, and that's okay. Having moments of weakness, or setbacks, does not make you bad or a failure. It means you're human (and that you're coping with some pretty heavy stuff in this case.)

When you say you wish you knew how to stand your ground better, can you give me an example of what tends to happen? If you'd like, we (and other users and volunteers) can come up with some strategies for you to try.

I'm also going to make a suggestion. Today, try to do three pieces of self-care. They don't have to be big (going for a walk, eating a snack you like, 15 minutes of watching cute animal videos) but now seems like a good time to be kind to yourself

[Dandelion]

Like okay. So Im at a small get together having a friendly chat with a guy. Everything is going great. I feel comfortable but then things turn not so friendly. He says inappropriate, sexual things to me and then proceeds to touch me close to my inner thigh area. He then asks me what I like? And I say Im not sure. He continues to touch me and kiss me and I just dont know why but I cant force myself to say I want it to stop assertively. I say Im not sure we should do this I guess in a playful manner because he continues. I can tell that he's aroused and it scares me in a way. I mean not like I havent been in a situation like that before. But because I dont want to take it where he's headed. He puts his hands up my skirt. Tells me its clear Im enjoying myself.I hate that my body doesnt agree with what Im emotionally feeling. I feel him undo his pants and push my panties aside. But I forcibly push him off of me tell him I dont feel well. He backs off and calls me a tease and a bitch.

It only gets that far a fraction of the time. I have had a couple times in which I didnt push the guy off. In those cases I was not fully okay with what was happening but I am usually the one to start flirting or initiate the conversation so I feel obliged to do what he wants.

The majority of the time like 60% its a guy online asking for pics or videos or just a naughty chat. I dont know how to voice my boundaries correctly I guess. I cant stick up for myself.

[Dandelion]

I'll do the self care. I havent done yoga in awhile so I should do that. The eating part ought to be difficult but maybe I'll try a fruit cup or such. I'll figure something out for my 3rd thing.

[Sam W]

Ooof, that's rough.

I want to stress that flirting does not equal consent to anything. Ever. Any dude who says that you have to do what he wants because you "lead him on" is an entitled jerk (to put it bluntly).

Saying no is hard, no doubt about that. One thing to try is practice in a mirror, or with a trusted friend, what to say. It's not a guarantee against freezing up, but it might help. You can also try with a therapist, practicing scripts for what to do. With the online stuff, I know on places like tumblr you can find blogs that are screenshots of ladies shooting down dudes who pressure them for pictures or similar. It might give you some inspiration for how to get those guys to bug off (although, as you'll see, they often start cursing or insulting you. That's when block/report buttons are your friend).

I'd also recommend this piece on how to stand up for yourself, if you haven't read it:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... _ourselves

[Dandelion]

Thanks for the link to the article. The script part was very helpful.

[Karyn]

Glad you found the article useful. How are you doing with the self-care?

[Dandelion]

Okay I guess.I did do those things I said. Well kinda, I went walking instead of the yoga and I probably shouldnt have. Im not well health wise. My blood pressure is very low. My asthma has been mildly severe recently. I have been to the hospital twice already due to sudden attacks and need of a breathing treatment. I've stressing over personal issues. Not the abuse but what happened the other night.It brought back painful memories and I just fee like Im stuck in a sick cycle, you know?

Also, I've unintentionally hurt two very important people in my life. One of then is finally talking to me after a month. The other, we just had our fallout yesterday. He claims to be disappointed not angry but there's a lot of tension. But yeah. I'll be fine I guess.

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

I have been hesitant to chime in on this thread before, because abuse is not something I have personally experienced. I do however have a very dear friend who was sexually assaulted multiple times, so I can offer you that perspective, if you're interested. Of course everyone is different, there's no way of knowing whether your friends feel similarly, but perhaps I can give you some ideas on approaching them.

The first time this happened, we were pretty young, I think 13 and 14. She didn't tell me or anybody else about it, but it soon became clear to me that something was wrong. She retreated into her shell, became moody, sometimes angry for seemingly no reason, wouldn't talk to me for days on end sometimes or would suddenly become really silly and superficial. I was very worried and of course I felt sad and shut out. It's tough for a kid when someone you used to share everything with suddenly withdraws. Sometimes I wondered whether I had done something wrong, but since she changed to everyone, it soon became clear that wasn't the problem.

Then I noticed she began covering her body and hiding all signs of her femininity. Her hair was styled to hide her face, she wore boy jeans and baggy shirts, became rail thin and found excuses to not come to gym class or go swimming. I put this down to teenage awkwardness (we were now around 15 and I was embarrassed about my changing body as well) until I saw some of her artwork. Fortunately, this person is an artist and what she didn't express in words eventually came out in dawings and paintings. She didn't actually tell me anything until we were grown up and the abusers, guys who lived in her village as well as boys at our school, had moved far away, but when she did, it was only a confirmation of what her pictures had already made clear to me.

I have never seen her cry. She's a very proud woman who values strength and independence and dignity and I think she shut me out because she didn't want me to see her vulnerable. I don't know if that was wise, but I respect her for it and I respect that she gets to choose how to deal with her trauma and how much or how little to share with her friends.

Never ever have I thought of this person as broken or weak or different than before. She made it clear that she wants no pity or special treatment and I think I have been pretty good going along with that.

These days, she's living in a nice place with a nice roommate, has a good job, a satisfying love life and her curves are back and proudly shown. I don't know how she managed to get over all the shit that happened to her, but she did and she's my heroine for sure.

It's really okay if you don't want to let your friends in on everything that's eating you. But it would probably be good if you let them know that there are tough issues you need to work through right now that are not their fault and have nothing to do with them and that you still value them as friends. Also, if you have any alternative ways of expressing yourself, like art, music, poetry, whatever, use them.

My friend never felt like a burden to me, not even during her most depressed phase where I was seriously afraid she would try to kill herself. I was always glad to have her and admired her and felt honored when she shared at least parts of her story with me. If she had cried and let me hug her, that would probably have been easier for me, but everyone gets to choose their own survival strategy, and a good friend will respect that and try to adapt.

If you can manage it, I think it might help your friends if you told them what you want from them. Leave you alone for a while until you ask for company again? Distract you? Talk about what happened and what you are going through? Just sit next to you, silently supportive? Something entirely different? A friend is, or should be, someone who loves you. They usually want to help, but don't know how or are worried they will do something wrong.

Hang in there! And whatever you do, don't blame yourself, because nobody is entitled to force themselves on you in any way, I don't care how much flirting went on before.

[Dandelion]

I want to sincerely and deeply thank you for the response you have written. I can truly relate to a lot of it. I expressed what happened through my art and poems. I am a painter and many of my paintings are almost triggering to me because of the emotion and memories I put into them.

I was sexually abused when I was younger. Then, after I finally thought I could get over it..Well not get over. Of course you cant just "get over it" but beginning to suppress the abuse, I was attacked. It was then that I began to treat people around me differently. My family would call me evil because I was always angry. It was easier for me to feel angry than to feel sad.

I also went through a phase in which I preferred not to have any signs of my femininity. I thought it just made me a target. It didnt last long. Soon I was the complete opposite. I would and kinda still do purposely dress provocative. Because I figured it shouldnt matter what Im wearing that guys should respect me.

I dont like to cry. I will use everything in my power not to. It makes me feel vulnerable and I really dont like when people show me pity. I dont want it or them to think of me as fragile.

Thank you for your advice on how to explain to my friends. I think asking and being verbal to what I want will be helpful.

Take care.

[Sam W]

I'm just going to pop a link in here quickly, since you two are having a great conversation and I don't want to interrupt. But this just went up today on Captain Awkward, and has some examples of how to practice boundary setting in little ways
http://captainawkward.com/2015/09/03/74 ... #more-8150

[Dandelion]

I am really grateful for all the help you all are giving me. Thank you Sam for the link. It was a good read for me. I think it'll take time and maybe a couple more mistakes but that I will be able to voice my boundaries in uncomfortable situations.

[Sunshine]

You take care, too, Dandelion!

I understand being angry rather than sad (just feels more powerful, doesn't it), but I think it's easier on our friends and family if we tell them we're not actually mad at them. Unless we are, of course.

About dressing provocatively - if that's what you want because you like the style or feel well in your clothes, that sounds fine. But if you're just doing it to send a f*** you message, then it could be that you're wasting energy. Decent people already get the point you're making and a**h**** never will.

(*Sigh* - that last paragraph is me being old and jaded. I feel like a hundred and twenty tonight - had a strenuous day)

Anyway. Glad to have been of use. Hope things will get better for you! I'm trying to send brain waves of support to wherever you are. Wish I really was a telepath or something.

[Sam W]

So glad you found the link helpful Just keep reminding yourself that these things take practice. You'll find your inner superhero, even if it takes time