What do I call this?

[Chloe_14!]

I think I was sexually assalted by my stepbrother and abused by my stepmom?? I know what they did to me was not right but i dont know if thats what im supposed to call it.

My parents split up when I was a baby and I lived with my biological dad for a while. (I was born in 2009 and it was around 2017 when I moved back in with my mom)

I remember being scared of people older then me and I felt like I had to do whatever they told me to do. My stepmom would bring me to daycare while she was a nurse. But she never brought me food and I was there for what felt like the whole day. I remember watching everyone else eat while I was still sitting at the carpet feeling helpless and starving.

The only time I ever remember eating was dinner. There was 1 time where she did give me food. And I ate everything, except for an apple that I took one bite out of. When I got home my stepmom was mad at me. You know how an apple gets when u leave it out for a while? The apple was brown and mushy. She forced me to sit at the table and eat the whole thing, even when I was crying she would not let me leave the table. I felt like i wasn't allowed to say anything against her so i just did what she told me to.

But this is not that bad compared to other things she has done.

I think I was in kindergarten or something at this point, but one day my stepmom and dad got in an argument and she left with my stepbrother. I felt so relieved, but the next day im waiting to get picked up from school and she is there. I remember her saying something like

'You thought I was gone didn't you.'

I remember it felt like my heart sank into my stomach. Most of the car ride was her asking me questions that made me feel really uncomfortable, and anytime I answered her questions she would twist it into something I didn't mean and made me feel like I was a shitty person.

At one point she stopped at a busy street that had alot of stores and people walking by. I remember her telling me to take my clothes off and walk to McDonald's and she was gonna drive away. I do not know how to describe how scared I was in this moment. I thought I was gonna be abandoned and naked around a bunch of strangers, and I already had pretty bad social anxiety.

I remember taking off my clothes and sitting in the car crying, waiting for her to tell me to get out. But eventually she told me to put my clothes back on and we drove home.

I remember multiple times where she would hit me with a belt. I cant remember what I ever did wrong but I remember what the belt looked like, it was made out of black leather, and it had little fake diamonds going down it like a line.

I remember I would visit my mom and my stepmom told me not to call her mom. Even thought my stepmom stayed in Florida when I visited my mom I listened to her because I was so scared she was gonna find out.

I remember one time where she was really mad at me for some reason. She made me lay on the floor in my room and she basically stomped on my face with her foot.(I cannot stand feet now they genuinely disgust me.) It was like, one stomp(not SUPER hard she didn't break my nose or anything), pushed down more, and then moved her foot left to right. I just took it, In the moment I felt like I deserved it and she was older and in my mind older people were always right. (I dont still think this way, im talking about how i used to feel and i do not agree with any of these things anymore) My nose started to bleed and she blamed it on me picking my nose, I knew that wasn't true but I felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

Now I wanna talk about my stepbrother. At first he was really nice to me and we would hang out all the time. But I remember one day he was sitting in his closet, he pulled his pants down and showed me his dick (it was small btw, I think he was around the age of 13 and I was like 6) he told me to touch it. I was so young I didn't fully now what this meant but I knew I was not okay with it.

Even when I said I didn't want to he still kept telling me to touch it, including with my mouth. I tried to stall as much as I could and eventually told him I had to go to the bathroom, which I did. I thought he was gonna let me, but he went into the bathroom with me and he brought a bowl that was kinda flat but not as flat as a plate.

He told me to pee into it. I tried to get him to let me just go in the toilet. I dont remember what he told me but I remember feeling like if I didn't do what he told me to something bad was gonna happen so I did it. After that he used this against me, and said he was gonna tell our parents..

I remember agreeing to touch him. And thats where my memory of that cuts off.

But then one day his friend is at our house, his friend told me that my stepbrother told me what I did and he wants me to do the same to him. That is where that memory ends.

I dont know why it ends there and honestly I wish I remembered more because I feel like this isn't enough for me to actually get them in trouble trouble and get payback for what they did. But also I feel like it could have been worse and other people wouldn't care about this.

I haven't told my mom because I know she would freak out if she even believed me and would try to reach out to them. I did tell my dad about my stepmom while I was living with them but that only made my stepmom hit me and my dad did nothing.

I have not seen them in years and have not even spoken to any of them, but I feel like if I tell my mom then I will have to speak to them.

I have already made up my mind that I won't tell my parents and I have only told really close friends and I am comfortable with that fact. But I dont know what to label what they did to me, is it right to call this abuse and sexuall assult? I feel like those words might be to extreme. Sorry for any typos and thanks for reading all the way thru. ♡

[Sam W]

Hi Chloe,

What you're describing absolutely meets the definitions of abuse, neglect, and assault, and I'm so sorry your family members chose to hurt you in that way. How and if you choose to share what happened with others is entirely up to you, although if you want to access additional resources for abuse survivors, you may eventually need to tell your mom at least some of what happened so that she can help you access them.

Too, if you want some form of justice, you could look into talking to the Department of Child and Family Services about reporting them, but again that would require disclosing to whoever you made the report to and to your mom if the report ended up being moved forward. If you want to explore that option, this is a good starting place: https://ocfs.ny.gov/programs/cps/

Since it sounds like this was primarily familial abuse, I actually think there may be resources other than us that are a better fit for getting you the support you need in healing from all this, including reporting if you choose to do so. This resource is both based in New York and has a really robust list of other supports you can link to in order to find one that fits your needs: https://www.nyschildrensalliance.org/ab ... resources/