Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
- not a newbie
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General question: Is manipulation a type of abuse - emotional abuse specifically?
Background: In my first relationship I had a really toxic ex who used to say one thing but mean another. Like, he would hold the door open for me to “be polite” but also say “age before beauty”. He made disgusting innuendo about me being attracted to his prepubescent brother (which obviously I wasn’t because that’s a horrible pedophile thing) and it made me feel really bad about myself. If I ever made sexual innuendo about him (the ex) he made me feel guilt for being horny. He also made me think he was the only person that would ever feel romantic about me. (Obviously that’s not true - since then I’ve had lots of people hit on me and I even had a healthy relationship with a guy too.)
So yeah, was this first relationship an abusive relationship? Like, emotionally speaking mainly? (Although he did force me to make out with him and he touched my throat and butt when I didn’t want him too…)
I have nothing to do with the ex now but sometimes I think about this and it makes me feel really upset and the whole experience has given me pretty severe trust issues.
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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I'm sorry to hear that you went through this
And yes, I would call this abusive behavior. Here at Scarleteen, we define
abuse as "Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship." It sounds like this behavior was both purposeful and ongoing.
Why do you ask?