Am I acesexaul if I don't want relationships?

[Rachel 1]

I used to have long distance relationships it seems like recently I don't want relationships with anyone or don't want crushes ethier. I don't think I've had crushes on anyone in a long time I used to have crushes on girls but not anymore im not a lesbian I have had feelings for guys in the past as well. what I wanted to know is those this mean i am acesexaul? the reason im thinking of why I dont want crushes is because I don't want to think about females or males I just want to focus on what I like to focus on. im generally okay with being single im not a player I don't want to lie about my feelings to someone I want to be kind to be honest so its best if I just stay single if I don't have a crush on the person.

[Sam W]

Hi Rachel 1,

It's pretty common for people who do experience sexual attraction to still have periods where they don't have a crush on anyone or an interest in pursuing a relationship. After all, even if we experience sexual attraction more generally, we won't always be in contact with or otherwise encounter people who we're attracted to. So that on its own doesn't automatically mean you're asexual. Too, asexuality has to do with a lack of desire for sex, not a lack of interest in romantic relationships. If you want to learn more about asexuality, this is a great starting place: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

When you say you don't want crushes because you just want to be able to focus on what you want to focus on, can you be a little more specific? Is it that crushes bother you when they happen? That you don't want or feel the need to direct energy towards looking for partners? Something else?

[Rachel 1]

I think I just assumed that you can be ace and not want relationships but still have a sex and masterbate from what I've read or possibly heard. i could assumed that not being interested in relationships was ace from google when it was actually aromantic because I looked it up and it said aromantic doesn't want relationships not acesexaul people so I apologize for that. And I get obcecced with things by what I meant by the fact that I want to focus on what I want to focus on it can be what I like to think about as well I do know what being ace is I thought there was a whole spectrum on being acesexaul especially if I remember from a video that sexaulity is a spectrum in general even if I don't get obcecced with things or don't want to focus on what I wanted to focus on i don't know If want a relationship ethier way I guess not everything on Google is correct. is it possible im aromantic?

[Latha]

Hi there, Rachel 1

Ah, you don't need to apologize! You're right- broadly, aromanticism describes a lack of interest in romantic relationships, and just as with asexuality, there is a spectrum for aromanticism as well.

Is it possible that you're aromantic? You're the only one who can say that for sure, but I can tell you that the way you described your feelings about relationships does seem similar to the ways in which aromantic people describe their feelings.

If I may ask, when you say that you get obsessed with things- is it that you would rather spend your time engaging with those topics than focusing on a relationship?

I want to mention that you can choose to identify as aromantic if that is what feels right or best now. If your feelings ever change at some point in the future, you can just change the label you use.

[Rachel 1]

Well I thought about relationships or getting married seems like a big step which can be another reason I don't want a relationship but im still young im not even 20 years old yet so I don't have to get married right now. And do you agree that just because I like being obsessed with something can actually mean im aromantic or is it more of the reason for why I dont want relationships? Do other people who are aromantic like doing a certain subject more than being in a relationship too? It can also do with the fact that I would rather just listen to music in my room than have a boyfriend. I think people kissing actually bothered me or didn't like it at some point So maybe it could just be more than just wanting to engage in what im obcecced with. why did it bother me? Is it jealousy? people making out can ge hot though why do I feel jealousy from other couples if I don't even want a relationship myself is that just normal?

[Heather]

You don't have to get married at all, ever, if that's not something you ever want. Just saying (and saying this as a 53-year-old person who has very intentionally never married.

I'm not sure that what sounds like an inclination to obsession tells us anything about your sexual or romantic identity. I think this is something, like much of our identities, that's really going to me more for you to figure out: if and how that interplays with your identities for you.

You're asking a lot of different questions here about some fairly different things, but it does sound to me like a lot of them are directed to yourself. We can't know the why of all of your feelings, and maybe you can't either, but you're certainly the person to look to when it comes to them.

[Rachel 1]

why haven't I had a crushes on someone in weeks or possibly months? even if I don't want crushes I think I should be able to have crushes eventually. even if its just a online friend especially if I have had a crush on someone that I haven't met in reality but have messaged him I didn't want to think about him as well that was weeks a go when I had feelings for him. It just seems like being labeled bi or lesbian doesn't feel right to me I don't think even not having a label doesn't feel right for me ethier. I guess the label aromantic could be okay something about that label seems off to me that's why I said it could be okay. it could be the fact that I have problems accepting apart of who I am for the identity because it seems like something doesn't feel right about a lot of sexaulity labels from what I described to be honest. so that's why maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the sexaulity label not being apart of who I am for why it doesn't feel right.

[Nicole]

Hi Rachel 1,

Yeah, I think there's a point where instead of questioning why you feel a particular way, you might want to start focusing on acceptance, just so you can move forward and give yourself grace. Thinking about the whys can lead to a lot of stress, and you don't know particularly what the future holds. Plus, sexuality can be fluid, so whatever you are experiencing now does not necessarily mean it will be forever.

[Rachel 1]

I used to believe i was a lesbian in the past I had all these crushes on girls and I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl. but than I started having feelings for guys so I changed my label to being bisexuale I have been in long distance relationships with guys as well and I still haven't had any new crushes on girls in months. And now it's changed again because I don't want any relationships with anyone and don't even want crushes ethier so sexaulity can definitely be fluid from my own personal situation. It can be hard to accept my identity if it comes to something I don't want for an example i didn't want to be lesbian because i dont only want to sex with women. I probably want to experience having sex with a dude or it could be that im more obcecced with penises more than vaginas if im more into watching gay porn recently I think i decide to watch lesbian porn sometimes but not everyday. plus I shouldn't only care more about the sex I should care about the romantic part of it or dating the person and being in love with them is important because you shouldn't be lieing about your feelings towards them. maybe im just not a ramontic type I think some people can definitely not be a romance type I don't want to be considered a "simp" and I don't try to be a player ethier.

[Sofi]

Hi Rachel 1,
Did you get a chance to read Nicole's previous answer, and was it helpful? I fully agree with her, and everyone else who has chimed in on this thread, and would appreciate if you can make sure to read their responses and let me know your thoughts on those before we move forward.