What gets me off makes me nervous

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
BuddyBoi21
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What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Wed Oct 21, 2020 10:01 am

Alright folks! So I made a great discovery that I was hoping wouldn't be true for a long time...I think I have a light CGL kink. I was masturbating earlier and thought about my partner moaning a lot and acting very submissive while calling me a specific title during sex. I came REALLY hard in response to the fantasy. When having sex in reality I tried to substitute it with my full name because when I talked about it with my partner at the beginning of our relationship they were basically not into it. I think I checked in with them again on it roughly 4-5 months in and still no. I guess I've been in denial honestly.

Aside from my currently partner not being into calling me certain names, a lot of people are very hit or miss with this kink. People are usually either REALLY into it or think people are disgusting for it. I've had potential hookups/partners reject me or some sort of laugh at me in response to bringing it up. I don't even find myself invested in the whole lifestyle! I just like the title and the sexual dynamic that comes with it. Even still though I feel kind of disgusted with myself for liking it because of what people associate with it.

I hear kink is a way that people cope with types of trauma. Is there some other outlet for whatever trauma I may have experienced so I don't have this kink anymore?

Heather
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Re: What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby Heather » Wed Oct 21, 2020 11:31 am

What you're asking in the last bit is tricky, because it assumes that this is about and because of your trauma. Do *you* feel that it is?

Generally, there's nothing we can do to change what excites us, and often when we do, it only tends to lean in on us more.

I'd encourage you with anything that turns you on and that you might want to make part of your sexual life (so long as its consensual and doesn't do you or anyone any harm, obviously) not to focus on what other people may think or feel about it, but instead to just accept it, and then figure out ways of having it be any part of your sexuality that work for you. Obviously, if and when you want partners to be part of that, they'll need to be into it, too, and you'll need to feel okay about the ways they are, but none of that is insurmountable. You're certainly not the only person into this. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

BuddyBoi21
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Re: What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Thu Oct 22, 2020 10:10 pm

Hey Heather,

I guess I lean toward no to answer your first question. I sometimes think about peoples' theories on why we may or may not be kinky in some way. And again, the kinkshaming for this particular kink definitely doesn't help me at all.

As for my sex life I think I wanna work on talking to my partner about it more, not necessarily to ask them to engage in it but to go over with them that I wanna start seeking more support so I can feel less ashamed for it. Until then because of how my relationship's sexual dynamic stands, I'll only be fantasizing about this rather than actually doing it.

Thanks for your support <3

Siân
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Re: What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby Siân » Fri Oct 23, 2020 7:16 am

Hi BuddyBoi,

Definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and like you say kink shaming in general doesn't help anyone! It's totally fine to keep some things as fantasy too, either because you don't have a partner who's into it too, or because some of our fantasies are just that - fantasy, not something we necessarily want to act out.

BuddyBoi21
not a newbie
Posts: 185
Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:16 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: My Eyes
My primary language: English
My pronouns: they/them/theirs
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: United States

Re: What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Sat Oct 31, 2020 10:19 pm

Hey Siân,

Thank you for reassuring this for me!
I really appreciate y'alls help and I hope y'all are taking care of yourselves <3

Siân
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 671
Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 6:10 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I ask ALLLLL the questions
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Location: UK

Re: What gets me off makes me nervous

Unread postby Siân » Sun Nov 01, 2020 5:10 am

You're welcome :) you know, coming here and making myself useful IS one of the ways I take care of myself! Hope you've got some things that keep making sense in this strange new world too


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