Re: my ex gave me HPV

[Siân]

For Veronica.vol2

Your original post:

Hello Miria,
I know this thread is quite old, but I find myself in (almost) the same situation and I'd really like to know if it might get better. I actually ran into this post googling "my ex boyfriend gave me hpv" at 2 am, trying to cry myself to sleep. I recognised myself in everything you said, except for the fact that I feel even more naive because I actually knew my bf could have an std. He had warned me that one of his previous girlfriends had had hpv and that, because of that, he agreed with me about using the condom. He never really emphasized this topic, in fact he understated it (always saying that, most likely, with an healthy immune system, even if he had gotten the virus he might have as well gotten rid of it), but I can't really blame him for that, since he was probably saying that in a denial phase (?) and I had no reason to believe him, since I actually have a medical culture. I believed him because I wanted to and I decided to quit the condom for 5 or 6 times because I wanted to. I used to feel so insicure about myself, probably beacuse he was never as interested in me as I would have liked him to be, but, on the other side, he was always going on about the wonders of his ex girlfriends with whom he had this amazing condom-less sex. I used to feel so inferior and maybe I wanted to prove something. What scares me the most is that there was some part of my brain that though: "Ok, even if I get the disease, what's the worst thing that can happen? I have a pap test, I get a diagnosis and I could even help him making sure he has hpv (since there's no screening test for males). I might do him this favour.". I was, for some reason, putting his interest before my own health and I didn't even love him! It's just what I always end up doing in relationships, maybe beacuse, deep down, I don't think I deserve the same care. We have broken up months ago, with a very friendly arrangement; I found my hpv-test positive some weeks ago and I can't stop thinking that I'll never have a normal sexual life again. I keep thinking that I'm dangerous, I can't let anyone even give me oral sex. Last time I tried having sex with a friend of mine (with whom I had had a long talk about my situation), I was completely "dry", I couldn't relax, no matter how many times he told me that I had nothing to worry about. I'm about to do other tests, these weeks, and I'm considering to look for some psychological help, because once I used to have low self esteem and a little fear of rejection but now I'm literally feeling like human garbage. Sorry for my super long post and for some unclear use of language (I'm not a mother tongue). I didn't really want you to relive some traumatic memory and I hope you're doing better now. If you don't feel like answering, you don't have to: maybe I just needed to let some "poison" out of my brain.

-A girl who's gonna be really tired tomorrow morning

[Siân]

Hi Veronica,

It sounds like you're having a really hard time processing this diagnosis, and also like you've felt a lot of insecurity in your previous relationship and more generally. I'll touch on both and you can let me know where you want to go from here, okay?

First, let's talk about your HPV diagnosis. HPV is really, really common and plenty of people have happy, fulfilling, ethical sexual relationships having tested positive for HPV. Whilst it cannot be cured, most infections actually clear up (are "shed" by the body's own defence systems) on their own within two years. Speaking to your friend before trying having sex was the right thing to do to allow them to make their own choices about what level of risk they're comfortable with. Condoms don't prevent transmission of HPV but they do reduce it, and use of dental dams for oral sex is another precaution you can take. So long as you are open with your partners and agree what activities you're both comfortable with - including use of use barriers - there's nothing wrong with continuing to have sex. What do you think?

I'm far more concerned about the way that this is making you feel, especially as it links to the low self esteem and fear of rejection that you've mentioned. I agree that looking for a therapist or counsellor could be a good step for you - we can talk about finding the right support too, if that's something you would like?

It sounds like your ex said some pretty awful things to you, and made you feel really insecure in a way that was really manipulative. I'm sorry. It's great that you're recognising that you were putting his wants ahead of your needs; you absolutely DO deserve the same care as the person you are in a relationship with. You are not dangerous. You are not garbage. You deserve love and affection too.

[Veronica vol.2]

Hi Siân,
I tought I sent an answer some weeks ago, but maybe I didn't click properly or it was too long. To sum up: I'm truly grateful for your heartwarming reply. It made me feel so relieved when i read it, since it's really hard to open on these topics with my friends and family. It would be great if you could give me some advice about the kind of support I should look for (I know there are different types of therapy, but I'm not sure which one would fit me better). Today I had my HPV-dna test results and now I know that the genotype is 39 (high risk). I feel a little bit better right now, because I'm dealing with it a little bit more proactively and as fast as I can. One of the things that brings me down the most (as stupid as it may sound) is that my "very friendly ex" didn't even ask me how was I doing, after I told him about the infection (not even a "what's up?"). He just thanked me for telling him and then almost disappeared. He didn't invite me to his birthday even if he kind of invited himself to mine, some days before. Last but not least, when I told him about the Hpv he told me to check the genotype; I replied that I would have, but that it was obvious that it would have been the same genotype as his ex girlfriend, who had warts. He told me that there was another girl "at risk" with whom he had had sex before me, that he never mentioned when we were together. Guess what? As far as I know, type 39 (being cancerogenous) doesn't give warts, so I took the other girl virus. I'm so filled with hate and resentment right now. I wish I didn't expect him to be better. Sorry for going off-topic again, I had promised to be shorter this time. Thank you again for your support.

[Heather]

Veronica: I'm here today and would be glad to pitch in on this, but I wanted to check first to see if you wanted to stick with only talking to Siân. Let me know, it's all good either way by us.

[Veronica vol.2]

Hi Heather,
It's perfectly fine for me to talk with the both of you. Plus, I like the combination of our names (1988 Heathers reference). Thank you

[Heather]

Ha, right! I do actually have a friend named Veronica but no other Heather friends! So maybe in this reboot, there's only one Heather and a group of Veronicas. That's probably for the best, anyway. (Half my family is also Italian, so, piacerea!)

Your ex sounds like a...well, stronzino. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you went through what sounds like a lot of misery in the relationship, and I'm extra sorry your parting gift from that relationship was an illness. I'm sorrier still that he's apparently decided there's some kind of jerk competition he wants to win, so he's even being a dick about this. You deserve better, to say the least.

I'm guessing that for right now, some basic talk therapy is probably a good start for you: you could use someone who can just listen to your feelings about all this and both reflect back and support you. Perhaps obviously, you might also want to ask any therapists you're considering if they have experience talking patients through a positive STI diagnosis and STI stigma, as well as with low self-esteem, since it sounds like that's been a longstanding issue for you.

I do want you to know that the idea this means your sexual life or future sexual relationships will take a major hit is probably more based in fear or stigma than reality. Chances are that this won't impact those at all. Heck, if anything, it will give you one really easy way to weed out jerks: people who aren't sensitive and understanding about this are probably not great people to be dating. Of course, for some people -- especially people who have other illness where HPV may be especially dangerous for them -- it might be a no-go, but for most, it probably won't be. We can also talk about safer sex with this if you want.

Additionally, have you talked to your healthcare provider about getting the HPV vaccine? I know it may sound silly now, but you have one strain right now, not all of them. That vaccine can help protect you from the others in the future, and, if you shed this one -- which you very well might over time, that's what is most common -- it can help protect you from picking this up again.

How can we best help you from here? What do you want and need? <3

[Veronica vol.2]

Hi Heather!
It feels so good to read your and your team's answers on this forum. It really melts my heart every time and (I know it sounds a little sappy) it makes me go out of home in such a better mood, knowing that people can be so kind and considerate. I'm also relieved to hear you calling my ex a stronzo/jerk [sometimes my friends make me feel like I'm overreacting. They say things like: "It's ok to be angry *for you*, but he's not that bad, he's just very immature. It kind of softens me to see how lonely he is. So sweet." (He's not so lonely, he already has another girlfriend)]. Anyway, I'll talk with my doctor about the vaccine. I already had one when I was 11, but maybe it didn't cover this straw or maybe it didn't last that long and I should have repeated it before. About the support net: one of my friends is coming with me to the colposcopy and I really appreciate that (I wanted to go alone, but my parents insisted that I should find someone to bring). I'll probably try to talk more with my sister, when I'm feeling down. She's bigger than my friends and less anxious than my mother, so I think I'll stick to that while I look for a good therapist. I'd like to talk about safer sex too, if it's fine for you, since I read condoms are not 100% protective. Thank you again for all your support: this forum has really kept me sane in this bad time (ok, I sound like such a drama queen). It's lovely to hear somebody asking you "what do you need?". Really, thanks ♡

[Heather]

You're welcome, we're happy to be here for you in the ways that we can.

Per the vaccine, the HPV vaccine is actually THREE vaccinations, so you should see if you can't chase down your records: it might be that you had one, but not the whole series, and can just finish the series.

And you're welcome. I don't think you're being dramatic, I think it sounds like your friends either have very low standards for who you (and probably they) date and/or they are normalizing or diminishing this guy's crummy behaviour for other reasons. Your sister sounds like a good choice for support, glad you have her.

I'm just heading out of work for the day, but I have a shift ion Sunday and will hop in with a start on some safer sex talk for you, including around HPV (long story short: condoms and other barriers always help a lot more than nothing -- even with HPV, we're talking about 75% or more -- which offer zero protection). Hang in there!

[Veronica vol.2]

Thanks Heather! Can't wait to hear that.
I also had the colposcopy and everything went well (except for the fact that I puked during the visit because of a vagal reflex, but that was kind of comical). I will complete my vaccines and the doctor just reccomended me to have an healthier lifestyle to support my immune system, together with some ovules and supplements for six months. I hope the lesion will have disappeared in that period of time. Fingers crossed!

[Heather]

I'm glad it went well. Sorry you barfed! But for sure, a little comedy in something stressful can always be a boon, even if it's barfy.

Sounds like you've had great medical care: that's wonderful. Glad they also have you set up to finish your vaccinations.

In terms of how to deal with this from here when it comes to sexual partners, I generally advise just preparing a very candid, clear set of basic things to say to any potential partners, and then figuring you'll take it from there depending on what they have to say or want in response. I also suggest going ahead and committing to safer sex from here and not sleeping with people who aren't on board with at least the basics of that.

On the whole, you'll just want to:
a) Let them know that you do have HPV, that you're doing all the things you need to per healthcare. Let them know you're happy to answer any questions or refer them to places they can find more info if you want.
b) Let them know that HPV or no HPV, you are committed to practicing safer sex in your sexual life moving forward for everyone's safety and best health, and that means using barrier methods for genital sex and everyone getting tested on the regular.
c) If they want to know how likely they are to pick up HPV from you, you can let them know that safer sex practices have been found to provide at least 70% protection, but that if they have been immunized (which is suggested for everyone), they'll likely have 100% protection from HPV (types 6, 11, 16, 18, 31, 33, 45, 52 and 58), and also significant protection from other types, including yours (31, 39, 45, 59, and 86)*, you or any other partners may have or have had. I think it's also always good form to let people know that while we all are very likely to be exposed to HPV and any number of other common STIs in our sexual lives without knowing it (because so many people don't get tested or don't do so regularly), you understand if, for any reason, they don't want to take this risk with you.

I'd think about the way you'd say something about all of that in a brief way, and then even go ahead and practice saying it a few times just to give it a test drive.

Just a reminder that while STI stigma certainly exists in the world, you are not a leper because you have HPV, which is tremendously common, and is something almost everyone who has been sexually active up until very recently (vaccines will likely start changing this, which is why I say that) has either had or been exposed to. This isn't about making some kind of shameful confession, it's just about giving potential partners important health information and setting boundaries with safer sex for yourself.

I'd expect people with the maturity to actually be sexual with other people in healthy ways to be pretty chill about this, with most likely having zero issues and probably still moving forward with sex with you if that's something you both wanted. I'd expect people with the maturity to be sexual in healthy ways with people who want to decline for any reason -- and sometimes that can be about their own health issues -- to also be relaxed and not shitty about this.

Does that help get you started?

* I just caught myself up on some of this today, as I couldn't recall which of the types were included, and made sure to check four your strain in my research.

[Siân]

Just popping in to say hi, and that I'm so pleased you've found this conversation helpful!

[SamAnnVB21]

Hi Veronica, (Edited to be the name of the user, rather than a volunteer who responded in the thread)
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with an HPV diagnosis. Any STI diagnosis can be scary, especially with the stigma associated with it. But, STIs are actually quite common and HPV is the most common! It's estimated that 80% of all sexually active people will catch some form of HPV in their lifetime. However, many people don't have symptoms and the infection clears up within 2 years. Although HPV can lead to cervical cancer in some cases, it's more likely that you will be perfectly healthy since you've already had your diagnosis and are being monitored. So, keep getting screenings (also known as pap smears), and try not to worry about adverse health effects because the odds are in your favor.
As far as feeling depressed and having low self-esteem from your diagnosis, perhaps you could find a therapist to speak to. I believe planned parenthood now has counseling for such topics at a low cost, so you could look into that if you have one in your area. If not, Psychology Today is a great resource for finding a therapist in your area that takes your insurance. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) STIs are so stigmatized in our society so it's understandable why you would feel this way. But the reality is that 1 out of 2 people will get some kind of STI before they turn 25. STIs are very common and all curable or treatable, so there is really no need for the stigma and unnecessary fear. It's great that your being honest with your partners, so they can decide what's best for their sexual health. Obviously your current partner is comfortable with having sex with you despite the HPV diagnosis, which is great, however maybe you should talk to them about your feelings and try to work on your low self-esteem. I know this is a difficult situation, but having an STI doesn't make you dirty or less deserving of love, sex, or pleasure. It makes you a normal human that is sexually active. Part of being sexually active includes risks such as STIs and pregnancy, whether you use protection or not. Good luck with everything and stay strong!

Best,
Sam

[Veronica vol.2]

Hi girls!
Sorry for my very late reply. I just wanted you to know that things are going better, I'm continuing the treatments and I feel much more relaxed, generally speaking. I still haven't had the chance to perform my speech to any guy, but I'm glad you provided me with such a great amount of insights, which will make everything a lot easier when the moment will come. I guess the silver lining of an STD is that you can really use it as a "jerk filter", somehow. By that, I mean that I would find it really hard to open up about something so private with someone that I don't fully respect. Maybe, if I didn't caught HPV, I'd still be into "validation sex" with people I don't even like that much, while now I'm kind of focusing on myself and the things that make me feel good. Of course I don't think one should only be sexual with perfect guys and my positive pap test actually felt like a major hit for my sex life, but, paradoxically, I'm happy it's making me set higher standards for my hypothetical partners.
I hope you all had great holidays and wish you the best ♡

[Sam W]

Hi Veronica,

Thanks for the update! I'm so glad to hear you are doing better, and that you're finding it easier to focus on your the things that make you feel good when it comes to sex! And you're right, knowing you'll have to open up to a potential partner about an STI diagnosis can certainly clarify for you whether they're someone you truly feel trusting or comfortable with.