The Answers (for Now) - Wyn

real-life questioning stories

When did you start to question your sexual orientation? What in particular made that question arise?

I questioned my sexuality for the first time when I was a freshman in high school and I thought a girl in my gym class was cute. It was less about that, though, and more about having this intense, innate sense of queerness and having no idea how to articulate the gender elements of it.


This is part of a series of personal stories about questioning & coming to understand one's sexual orientation! Check out the other experiences, from: 

AsherBen • Gerbil • Jack • Mo • Riley • Riss • Ruby • Sam • Sebastian


When (if ever) did that question resolve itself?

I've been through a lot of different ways of thinking about my sexuality over the years, so this is hard to answer. From age fifteen to eighteen, I identified as a lesbian. Then I came out as bi. About six months later, I came out as trans. About a year after that, I game out as a gay man again, although I was mostly sleeping with women. I did a lot of defining my sexuality by percentages. I finally ended up getting together with a female-assigned non-binary, non-transitioning person when I was twenty-three, and I gave up defining my sexuality. We got married and there hasn't been as much pressure to define my sexuality, since I'm not dating.

How would you describe your sexual orientation as you understand it now?

Honestly, I don't totally know. It doesn't usually come up for me, now that I'm monogamously married. I usually just say queer without specifying, although I sometimes say bisexual, depending on the context. The long answer is that I'm attracted to women a lot less frequently than men, and I'm attracted to butchness more than femmeness, but saying queer is a lot quicker and easier.

How do/did you feel about being questioning? Positive? Negative? Something else entirely?

Oh, awful! Every time! Like there was something super wrong with me and I had to figure it all out and stick to it.

What is or was the most confusing? When you thought "maybe I'm [x]," what made you feel unsure or second-guess yourself?

I guess most confusing for me was trying to reconcile my relationships with my attractions. I exclusively dated women and trans men, so it was really hard to figure out the pieces of my sexuality that related to cis men in particular. I felt less legitimate because I hadn't actually had experiences with cis men.

Was there a defining moment that clarified things for you, or did you come to a more gradual realization?

Gradual, in all of these cases. Weirdly, the gender stuff (at least the initial gender stuff) was one big moment.

Did you talk to other people about being questioning, or compare notes with other people of an orientation you thought you might be?

I spent a lot of time over the years talking to friends of all different orientations about our sexualities, especially in college and immediately post-college.

What would you say to past-questioning-you if you could send a message back in time?

That it truly, truly does not matter. It matters to you, and it's interesting to think about and try to pin down, but it's not going to hurt you if you don't know.