Concerns with Consent and Readiness

[cityofthedead]

I would like some clarifications about sexual readiness and consent. Does it matter how long partners wait before engaging in sexual activity that they both know are enthusiastically interested in? I ask this (and I may ask other questions) because I plan to attend certain dating services (where I'm gonna be exposed to a community of people with desires that didn't start with interest in any one unique individual-including Me) when I'm older and haven't found a potential partner yet. I know exactly how to give and take consent and be ready for sex even though I haven't even had my first kiss yet at the time of this forum message. If I attend dating services, I may feel desire and readiness for a potential partner who may or may not share my desires that I've only known for a few days or weeks. If my potential partner does enthusiastically share my desires and sexual knowledge even though we haven't known each other for very long, would it still be a good idea to pursue a sexual relationship with this person? I'm not talking about just one person intensely desiring and feeling ready for sex, but both people who stumble upon each other. I know this is ultimately my decision, I just want to know if you guys recommend following through with situations like that.

[Karyn]

There's no set amount of time you have to know someone before having sex, and everyone is different in that regard. Some people feel comfortable having sex with someone they've just met, other people prefer to get to know the person better. Sometimes it varies: with one person you might feel totally comfortable having sex the day you meet them, but with someone else you might want to wait a while. As long as everyone involved knows what they're consenting to, and gives their consent, then it's not a problem. Consent doesn't depend on how long you've known someone.

[cityofthedead]

Have relationships founded upon common desire for sex ever been healthy and lasted a decent while? Relationships that were more about everyone who would get involved looking for someone to do sexual stuff with rather than going somewhere to pursue other dreams and desires and just running into someone along the way. When the necessary protection is used, has the former relationship foundation ever been as common for mutually successful relationships as the latter? I know that both foundations have been successful for some, and not for others due to particular factors. I ask this because I feel that seeking out partners in places where my sexual desire is addressed upfront would be best for me so I can focus on sexual investment and activity without having any other aspects of our lives crammed in. I have a birthday coming up where I will turn the legal age in my state to consent to sexual activity with older people so I can think about this more.

[Jacob]

Hi there cityofthedead!

I'm just thinking about some underlying stuff in what you're asking:

Is a long lasting relationship necessarily a positive one? I'd say nope! Some of the most fulfilling relationships which could still leave us feeling postive for decades after may last a few days, some which last for decades can be unhealthy or unfulfilling. So as with other things, it's not 'size' that matters.

Does your initial intentions negatively effect the 'foundations' of a future relationship... I'd say that very often those intentions actually aren't foundational. They might be what draws you to a person, but until that point it's all about you, your desires and your fantasies. From then on, really the factors are actually going to be the chemestry between you; how you feel around eachother, how your experiences help you communicate with eachother, and how your individual issues might affect eachother.

At least half of that is also kinda out of your control, so part of your readiness may also be thinking about how ready you are for things to not work out the way you imagine, and that can really make space for the other person. It can also make you much better at making consent central to your sex life!

[cityofthedead]

Oh Kay. First of all, Jacob, when I talked about relationships lasting a decent while, I didn't mean long-term romantic relationships. I meant relationships that last at least longer than a One-night stand. I don't want that. Secondly, I don't expect much from sex. I'm a total virgin. (I don't believe in the concept of virginity but I still described myself as a virgin because it's still a popular concept others can understand). I don't imagine sex as anything other than a physical experience shared by two or more mutually consenting adults. So when you said I should be ready for sex not to work out how I imagine, I'm ready in that regard. All I want is to experience something I've never experienced before while also investing in a horny woman who is willing to have sex with condoms and already taken another kind of birth control.

[Redskies]

Let's see if I grasp what you're asking: are you asking

"Can a connection that's built on "we'd like to have sex with each other sometimes" be as healthy as a connection that's built on "we have some things in common and we like hanging out together"?"
?

[cityofthedead]

Let's see if I grasp what you're asking: are you asking

"Can a connection that's built on "we'd like to have sex with each other sometimes" be as healthy as a connection that's built on "we have some things in common and we like hanging out together"?"
?

Yes. That is what I'm asking. I know there's no immediate yes or no. And different situations work for different people. I probably just answered my own question. Though I would like to check in with you admins.

[Sam W]

You've hit it exactly on the nose. Both of those scenarios can be equally healthy or unhealthy depending on the people involved, the dynamics between them, and how they're communicating about what they want and need.

[cityofthedead]

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