What's going on with him?

[Fender909]

Hello guys.

I apologize in advance for the huge wall of text ahead. I have a tendency to turn something short into a whole novel.
So, I've been dating my boyfriend for a little bit over two months now. Earlier today, he did something kind of stupid. I wasn't around for it, but he later messaged me that he had stolen multiple pins from a gift shop and was caught. I was honestly disappointed to hear that he made a kind of poor decision like that.

Anyway, his father talked to the store owner(s) and then took my boyfriend home. My boyfriend has expressed to me many times that his dad can be verbally and emotionally abusive, although I have no way of knowing for sure if this is exaggerated or not. I do my best to support him. My boyfriend expressed to me that his father was so upset in the car that he told him he ought to be "treated like an animal."

I've known my boyfriend for a little over a year, and in this time I've come to know how sensitive he is. He can be worn down very easily, especially by his father. My boyfriend is now severely grounded. He is not to spend any time to himself. His father assured him that he would always be doing either school work or chores. He is not allowed to see anybody outside of school, including me. My boyfriend did not take this well. He messaged me that his friends are his life and that without him, he doesn't have one.

He seems to think there is nothing worth being happy anymore now that his father has given him all of these punishments for what he did. My boyfriend also expressed to me that he had thought briefly about hanging himself because there was "nothing for him to live for anymore now that his father has taken all of his happiness away." He assured me that he wasn't considering it anymore, but this severely worried me. I have had suicidal friends in the past and it is a very stressful experience for me.

For now, I told him to remain positive and find things that made him calm and happy. I let him know that I was there always if he needed to talk. I'm having a little bit of a hard time understanding his situation, though. I know everybody feels differently about things, but it feels like he's overreacting to this. I'm not judging him at all, though. He hasn't had the easiest life. It's just that I've had plenty of very harsh punishments. (For example, I once had my door taken off of my bedroom because I didn't do my homework the way my parents wanted it done. No joke.) And I've also dealt with the difficulty of getting something important to me confiscated. (My ability to listen to music on my smartphone was taken away for almost a month. Music being a very important aspect of my well-being, this resulted in my first two ever panic attacks in public.)

But I have never felt suicidal over punishments. I do think that other factors could be playing into his worrisome behavior. I just need more information on how to treat this.

Anyways, my main questions for you guys are:

1. How should I proceed in talking to him about these problems? (Should I drop it and pretend like it never happened? Will bringing it up again make it worse?)
2. What should I definitely not say to him?
3. Why is he reacting this way?
4. Any other tips/advice?

I just want to know if this will be an ongoing or recurring thing. Dealing with suicidal people has been the source of very stressful parts of my life. I have attempted to be supportive and helpful to people with these issues, but they almost always seem to turn against me and blame their want/need to end their life on me . . . which does not feel good.

I had no idea he had ever thought about killing himself until tonight. This alone does not make me inclined to end our relationship because I love him very much as a person. He is a great companion. But if this is going to start to be a very prominent aspect of our relationship, I might have to consider breaking away from it for my own well-being and happiness. I am willing and determined to try and help him, though, which is why I came here.

Thank you guys so much for your help. It's appreciated more than you know.

[Mo]

Hi Fender,

This sounds like a tough situation for sure. I think it's really possible that things at your boyfriend's home are worse than you've heard about so far, but even if there's nothing else going on other than what he's told you, clearly it's distressing him a lot. I don't think there's any way we can know exactly why he's having this reaction to the situation.

I think offering your support is great, but it sounds like this is a problem that needs more support than a friend or partner can provide - are there any kinds of counseling services he can access through your school? If he's willing to talk to someone there, or seek out other professional support, I think that's a good idea. It's something he needs to decide to do for himself, though; you can suggest it but if he's not ready for that, then it's up to him to pursue it.
I hear you that having friends struggling with suicidal thoughts and taking them to you has been very stressful in the past, and that's definitely understandable! It's great to offer support to friends but most people just can't take on that much, even from close friends, and that really is ok. Friends are not therapists! There's a reason why people spend a lot of time training how to help suicidal folks. It's ok if you need to take a little extra space for yourself in this (or any other) relationship if you need it.

It may help to pass these suicide helpline links on to him: https://www.imalive.org/ and http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ If he finds himself in a crisis state where he's seriously considering suicide or serious self-harm, or even struggling with those thoughts, these are places he can call and get immediate help. But I would try to suggest to him - certainly if he brings this up again, and if you decide to bring up the subject on your own - that he seek out some help right now. Even if he spoke out of upset and frustrated feelings and isn't actively suicidal, it's clear that he's feeling a lot of distress in his family situation, and it sounds like some professional support would be a big help.

[Fender909]

Thanks very much for your reply.

I have a therapist I see on a semi-regular basis. Do you think it would be a good thing for me to bring this up to her and ask her what professional help he should be getting?

Unfortunately, there isn't a program or counselor at my school that provides that kind of support. If something like this comes up again, I will definitely pass those links on to him.

[Mo]

I think your therapist is a great person to bring this up with; she might have other ideas for resources you could point him to, but she can also help you sort out how you want to respond in situations like this, so that you can be supportive without feeling like you're taking on too much.

[Fender909]

Thank you!

[Heather]

I'd add, too, that much like depression, suicidal ideation is something that isn't always exactly situational, but can be chemical. In other words, even if none of this were going on with him at home -- or if the situation is as mild as you feel it is -- if he is someone who is suicidal, then him feeling suicidal may be triggered by any of this, but may not be a reflection of its severity, if that makes sense.

That all said, since you're the one who is here, and what help he gets is really up to him, how can we best help YOU, Fender? As someone who has not only been suicidal herself, but has survived both the suicides of people close to me and people close to me being suicidal, but not committing suicide, I know personally how tremendously stressful and hard dealing with this can be. If there's anything we can do to help support you or help you figure out what you need in all of this to take care of yourself, please give a shout.