Feel like my 'gut' is broken after rape

[AvocadoLime]

This post is going to contain some relatively graphic mentions of sexual assault, just as a heads up.

My ex was abusive and raped me many times. I always had an orgasm when she was raping me because if I didn't, she wouldn't stop. And I never faked because I still had in my head that it's important to be honest in a relationship and faking wasn't going to help anything. It's been years and I've not had a relationship since. Often the idea of being in a physically intimate relationship again makes me feel nauseous with fear. My friends say that I should trust my gut and when I meet the right person I'll know. But the more I like somebody the more I feel like 'nope, absolutely not!' In terms of a physical relationship. I feel like I betrayed myself and/or my body betrayed me. I feel like I could 'make' myself be attracted to any of my friends, for example. But how do I know if I'm *really* attracted to somebody?

Is this something I have to talk to a sex therapist about? I can't say it out loud. This is the first time I've even written it.

People say time will make a difference but it's been years, as I said. Have other people experienced this? How can I get my 'gut' back?

[Heather]

I am so sorry you experienced that, AvocadoLime. I am very glad, though, you felt able to bring this here.

Can you fill me in on what you have, so far, done for yourself for your healing since this relationship? That way I can have a better idea of what to suggest, and also not suggest things you have already tried or done but have not felt helped you around this.

[AvocadoLime]

Thanks. I've seen a therapist about the relationship in general. She thinks I should try EMDR, which she does not know how to do, because whenever friends talk about relationships, whether new ones, old ones ending, good things or hard things, I have a really hard time and almost always feel for a few days like I need to end the friendship because I can't handle the emotions. Though I have never actually taken steps to end these friendships.

I started reading sexual healing by Stacy Haines. I'm not really sure why I stopped. Partly I think because I don't have any problem masturbating but I can only do that to the same fantasy that worked when I was being raped. So maybe I do have problems masturbating. I don't know. In any casei guess the book seemed not really relevant as I wasn't in a relationship.

I know also that part of my being terrified of a physical relationship is that I am genderqueer, I guess. Basically I feel some days, weeks, months like medically transitioning would be great, I can't even say the word breasts, let alone acknowledge that I have them, think of myself as he in my head, etc, and then some days I think of myself as she, feel strongly female, and great about my body. I don't have dysphoria around my genitals ever really, but my chest can be incredibly dysphoric. I can't look in the mirror and if I accidentally touch myself while putting on a shirt I feel revolted and startled that there is even something there. My ex liked my breasts and I didn't like her touching them but she would get mad that what she was doing didn't feel good. I've known about my gender since way before I met my ex but now the two are sort of linked. People who have expressed interest in me, when I talk about my gender and ptsd with them they say nevermind. I'm too complicated. And it hasn't bothered me that they have stopped wanting to persue things with me even though at least once I thought I was maybe into the idea. But it freaks me out that I literally have felt fine with rejection. That goes back to how do I know if I'm *really* attracted?

I have a few friends who know most of this, some more than others, and I guess it's been helpful to hear them talk about sex and not seem weirded out by the idea of their current partners having had past partners or masturbating. But that's also only after I'm not shut down.

I'm wiling to do more therapy but I'm not even sure I want to ever have sex again with a partner. I do know I'm definitely not asexual though. And as I say, I can't talk about it. Like can't even make my mouth move. I just hear white noise and feel all warm. I've tried to talk about it with my therapist.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in so candidly.

Can I ask if you feel like you have given yourself time to simply feel disinterested in sexual relationships with others without trying to "force" feelings of interest, and with acknowledgements to yourself that it is absolutely okay -- rather than unacceptable, or something that means you're broken, etc -- for you, like anyone else, to have times, even for years, if that's what's happening, without wanting to pursue sexual relationships with others?

In other words, do you feel like the way you are feeling now and have been around this is something you have already given yourself permission around, rather than trying to "fix" it?

it's been helpful to hear them talk about sex and not seem weirded out by the idea of their current partners having had past partners or masturbating. But that's also only after I'm not shut down.

I'm not sure what that was pertaining to, but I'd say that most people, most of the time -- especially once they're out of their teens, are going to be pretty okay around both of these things, be this about themselves or about others. After all, both of these things -- masturbating and having had previous partners -- will tend to be norms for most people even by the time they're leaving high school, and for many people, earlier than that.

How do you feel about following your therapists' suggestion for EMDR?

[AvocadoLime]

I am ok with trying EMDR. I will be moving to a new city in a few weeks and will look for somebody there. I guess I would really like to know if other people have experienced what I feel about not knowing what my gut is saying, and if they have been able to get past that, and what helped them.

I'm not sure if I've really given myself permission to be fine with not wanting sexual relationships right now. I miss contact like hugs, but I am not used to really touching friends, unless I'm saying good bye to them for a few weeks or something.

I think I am having a hard time not thinking into the future, like how would I deal with both wanting to sleep in the same bed with somebody, and not at all wanting to sleep in the same bed as them. I guess maybe I am feeling a little bit like that in terms of romantic relationships in general. I like my life and I have really good friends, but sometimes it feels like it would feel nice to have a partner. The stronger that feeling is though, the stronger I feel like I REALLY don't want one. I don't know what to do with such conflicting feelings.

[Heather]

Sorry for more with the questions!

Per your last paragraph, do you feel like you can or cannot yet emotionally separate "a partner," and "an abusive partner?" In other words, while you likely can do that logically, do you feel like your feelings grok that a partner does not = abuse?

[AvocadoLime]

I think I can sometimes. But definitely sometimes my brain goes straight to any partner=abuse.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, an idea I would put out as a starting place per some of this, something I think might help and you can do with therapy or not, is to first just sit down, for a good while, and see if you can't start writing down an idea, or list, of what you really want right now. Not in the far future, but the present and near-future.

I think what that can do is help you figure out if you just really even want this kind of partnership in the first place. After all, if you do not, you are obviously going to have some mental resistance that may not even be about the abuse, you know?

But then, in just doing that process, maybe even as a regular practice, also tells you what you want, so if and when you feel disconnected from your intuition, you can basically inform it, and yourself, with what you already know you do or do not want to pursue, if you follow.

I am also willing to bet that this kind of focused ongoing writing, period, may start shaking some more of all of this loose for you, giving you another space to keep processing it, and as an extra bonus, probably will help with healing because it is something where you get to be totally in control of your own feelings, wants and needs, rather than making them about someone else's control and wants.

How does something like that sound?

[AvocadoLime]

Do you mean I should journal?

Also, what do you mean by this "I think what that can do is help you figure out if you just really even want this kind of partnership in the first place. After all, if you do not, you are obviously going to have some mental resistance that may not even be about the abuse, you know?"?

Thanks.

[Ruth]

If you don't mind me stepping in - hi!

I think what Heather suggested with the writing a list of things you want was a really good idea. I think what she was then suggesting was to carry on making lists like that through time so that you can always ground yourself with what your wants and needs are Right Now. However, if you feel like journalling too will help you process things then I would really suggest that you do that, as I know that a lot of people find it very cathartic and helpful in these situations.

To explain that second part, I think what she was suggesting is that you work out if you're actually interested in that kind of relationship right now - at all. It may be that that's something you're just not up for right now, which would then make it very difficult for you to feel comfortable pursuing that kind of relationship. Does that make more sense?

[Heather]

Thanks for making me more clear, Ruth.

That all make sense now, AvocadoLime?