possibility of repressed trauma

[maroonteen]

i have this habit of trying to please the other party and never myself. but, there is no other party. i’m aroace, i don’t plan on having a partner because that’s just not something i’m interested in. in fact, i’m actually repulsed by the concept of this. i’ve made a post before about guilt during masturbation, because even though i have no desire for sex, i do have my moments where i look to pleasure myself through masturbation. i’ve accepted that this is a part of me, and it doesn’t make me any less of an asexual by engaging in it, and i’m doing a lot better now. i’m quite proud of myself, but there’s something else involving it that’s been on my mind.

the desire to feel good is very much there, but i have this sort of mental obligation that this whole sexual stuff isn’t for me, and it’s for someone else. i have to please someone, not myself. so when i continue, i sort of disassociate and lose interest in what i’m doing. i keep going though, because i don’t want to disappoint him. what the fuck? there is no him–so where is this coming from? there's just this male presence in my head that i feel obligated to please, over my own desires. i’ve never been in a relationship, and while i can’t recall having sexual trauma, pretty much the only thing that pops up is the possibility of repressed sexual trauma. the second i start to linger on the verge of reaching an orgasm, my brain shuts off. like no, this can’t happen, because i’m scared. no matter how much confidence and determination i go into this with, i tend to reach the same result. i convince myself i wont be able to handle it, or that it’s not me i should be trying to please. i don’t know what’s going on.

i’ve struggled all my life with disassociation, there are so many blanks in my memory that i can’t help but wonder if i really have gone through some sort of sexual trauma or abuse. i try to go back in my head, but it’s like everything is a dead end. i just can’t remember. i’ve always assumed i’m overreacting, because my sisters went through what i have (domestic violence)–and worse(they were the ones being abused, i only saw it happen)–and they turned out fine.

so maybe there is something else that i’m just not remembering. how are you even supposed to know? are there signs? or is it something else, and i’m just being paranoid? i’ve been in a toxic friendship where the other was extremely touchy and clingy, and it always made me uncomfy. i’ve just always had this thing with physical touch, i’m scared of it and I associate it with being hurt. is this also a sign, maybe?

[Latha]

Hi there, Maroonteen

I'm sorry you're struggling with this- wrestling with the possibility that you might have experienced sexual abuse must be so frustrating and confusing, especially since you've long experienced disassociation.

I think we should acknowledge that you may not be able to find the proof you're looking for by searching through your memories. Even without the disassociation, it would be natural for you to not remember if it has been many years. You could try to ask someone who has known you very well since you were young, but I have a sense that you may not feel comfortable discussing this with your family. People do describe certain signs of repressed trauma, but as I understand, even those cannot definitively point to sexual abuse.

But whatever the source of these feelings is, you deserve support for what you're going through, here and now. It might be a good idea to seek out a good trauma-informed therapist if you haven't done so already. They could at least help you address your current symptoms. What do you think of this?

i have this habit of trying to please the other party and never myself.

If I may ask, does this happen with non-sexual sources of pleasure as well?

P.S. Congratulations on getting to a better place with regards to your asexuality and masturbation! You are right to be proud of yourself.

[Sam W]

Hi Maroonteen,

In addition to everything Latha said, it sounds like you may have possibly witnessed sexual abuse? I ask because you mention your sisters being abused as separate from the domestic violence you all survived. Too, have you and they ever spoken about what happened, or tried to support each other in the trauma around it? I ask because some of what you're describing, such as feeling like you're overreacting, is common enough among survivors that they might actually feel something similar.

I do also want to note something about that imaginary man in your head. We live in a culture that still heavily prioritizes men's needs and pleasure during sex; it's better than it used to be, and more people are starting to reject those ways of thinking, but it's still a very common way of talking and thinking about sex. Depending on the family and community you grew up in, those messages may also have been even more pervasive. So I suspect part of what you're experiencing around all this is basically the voice of social expectations telling you that you should, if you were ever to be sexual, put your partners wants above your own. Does that make sense?