A little sad ...or..bored..or mix of emotions

[coolcats222]

I had a bad relationship this December and finally got over it.

I went to see another long-timer sex-friend/lover (~7 years on/off) earlier this year who is no longer interested b.c he's dating women that are more suitable. So I was never suitable in that way.

I feel due to professional/academic demands that I can't afford to lose focus and "look for a date" I enjoyed seeing this long-timer lover and now things have changed. I wrote him an email and acknowledged the finality of our interactions b.c I didn't enjoy good sex with him last time and didn't want to just be hanging out in case he had some time or off-period btw relationships.

I know people don't exist just to satisfy me, and I'm glad for him. Of course the easies tthing for me that he continued to be avaliable for me (while not finding much satisfaction in his personal dating life, LOL) and maybe over time we could make it work. But that's not nice or considerate of someone who is an adult and who doenst see me that way.

Yet, I haven't slept with anyone in a long time, miss the intimacy and dont think online dating or hooks up are the right situation for me at this time. I miss the past I had with this man , and know that I made the right decisions. I just don't know who or what kind of person I will meet in the future or how it will be.

What am I asking? Just general advice, commentary, etc

[Siân]

I'm glad that you're feeling like you've been able to move past that bad relationship from last winter. And yes, it can be hard when things change with friends or lovers and we lose something - even if it's for the best, even if it wasn't a serious romantic relationship - and it's okay to grieve those losses.

I think that when you're in one of these feeling not-quite-right spaces there are a few things you can do. The first one is to feel your feelings if you need to. Then you can start trying to do something about it. One thing that might be useful is to ask yourself what it is you feel you want or are missing. Maybe it helps to make it more specific - what did this person represent? Maybe that's intimacy, or sex, or companionship, or novelty or something else entirely. Where else can you get those things in your life? Are there friendships you'd like to build, or projects you'd like to start, or hobbies you'd like to try, or a new vibrator you'd like to get? Do you want to meet new people with the possibility of something sexual and/or romantic? Do you just want to be really great at your job/studies?

Feel your feelings, try some new things, put your energy into something that makes you feel good.

[coolcats222]

I am a bit ashamed to say this, but the wrongful belief I have is that I am jealous or feel that someone finding another person is somehow a reflection that there's nobody left for me, or that nothing good will happen in my life or simply that i am not good enough.

It's very possible that i can find/met someone in the future that would be more suitable for me (while having some of the qualities that I admire in this above person), and more interesting/fun better compatibility.

I do think that I want to focus on my work at the moment as this time is precious for me , and don't need distractions.

[coolcats222]

I guess that I had this story that i was telling myself that this person wouldn't meet anyone good, or good connection adn then suddenly they will see that Im good /great and by that time I would have made a bit strides in my work toward becoming a professional...and all will be well. Now I can't comfort myself with that fairy tale story any more : ) but that's ok to embrace change and know that no one knows the future and what's around the corner.

[Sam W]

Hi coolcats,

You're absolutely right that embracing the fact that things change, and seeing that change as an opportunity rather than a bad thing, is going to help you feel better about this in the long run. It also sounds like you're learning to challenge the part of your brain that tells you that someone no longer wanting you as a partner means there's no one out there for you.

It's great that you know you want to focus on your job as a way of redirecting this energy! One thing I would suggest in addition to that is that you do set aside some time (even if it's only a little bit) for friendships. You mention missing intimacy, and friends are a great source of that (after all, intimacy comes in many forms, not just sex).

[coolcats222]

Thank you Sam. W. for your comments.

I think in some ways, i am just realizing that i was in a @Q#$@# situation for many years. it was never real intimacy just sex and I twisted and turned in my mind to make it an itimacy. We all had to do what we had to do to survive a particilar time.

Aghh..yes. Many of my friends are not in my town, but i keep in touch with them via phone and plan to schedule time to do skype. i try to see 2 other women frds 1x-2x a month and go to a women's meet up group for fun stuff.
i will also disclose to few trusted people around me for support

but right now, focusing on my job and hitting the goals.

[coolcats222]

I think frankly im jealous they are enjoying their best life with someone while i'm..... any thing to say to that? or just suck it up as part of human experience and know that things will get exciting for me too

[coolcats222]

in the end, this kind of non-relationship should have ended long time and time doens't or didn't change their mind or anything. I literally always felt in the same place: unsure of what relationship if any I had with this person, and just simply not really a priority. It seems like it was same pattern for me in the horrific other relationship so it's just a time to shed all this and let it go and put it behind me with awareness

[Sam W]

Hi coolcats,

It can be hard when a relationship ends to see the ways in which the ending was for the best, so you're doing yourself a service by coming to terms with that. You deserve someone who treats you like a priority and let's you know where you stand with them. You mention this latest relationship feels like it fits a pattern of you being in horrible relationships. Can you say a little more about that pattern?

With the jealousy, something that may help in this case is to remember that the lives we assume people are living (or that they present through things like social media) are usually very different than the lives they actually have. People often talk about the exciting or positive parts of their lives, while leaving the boring or unpleasant parts out. So while it may feel like someone else is living their best life and not having to deal with anything unpleasant or boring, the reality is that they still have parts of their life that make them unhappy, or that are boring.