i miss my family

[swimminginspace]

hey everyone. i pretty much have no extended family left because they're all severely abusive. i don't even have family that most people would consider close. i've been waiting to cut off my relationship with my dad and was finally able to do it when i turned 18, and we had to cut off my oldest brother two years ago for the way he'd treat my mom. all i have are the two people i live with: my mom and my sister, and even my sister isn't a safe person. i'm clean now, and i'm becoming better at setting boundaries with her, but i have an anxiety disorder and used to have a self harm problem because of how she's controlled and condescended me over everything she can get her hands on. the worst part is that we're both disabled and unable to move out, so i'll have to live with being treated like this by her for the rest of my life.
i really just miss my brother, though. i want to cry whenever i see pictures of him. i just wish he was different. i want him to change as a person and come back, but i know he won't, and it's killing me. i feel like the only person in the world with a family that's this dysfunctional... how do people cope with not having any family left?

[Heather]

I am so, so sorry, swimminginspace. I've been in a similar spot that you have earlier in my life; I had to leave my primary home and everyone in it when I was around 15, and that meant leaving my sibling and stepsiblings, as well as all my extended family. I still had my Dad, and thank goodness, but that was it. I also lost the person I was in love with at the time to a tragic death.

My primary ways to cope were threefold: I both created my own chosen family over time, I had a good therapist, and I found other community by being involved in things that really mattered to me or that I was passionate about. For instance, I switched to an arts high school and then not only was immersed in the writing and music I loved making, it also gave me a whole community of others who shared those interests.

But, you know, one thing I think I didn't let myself do for a long time that I would have added to that list was just letting myself really be in my feelings about all that loss, like it sounds like you are doing for yourself. It makes sense for you to feel devastated, after all: this is devastating.

(If you like, I am also open to talking with you about short or long-term plans to move out, and I want you to know it is very unlikely that your disability means you have to stay living in any situation that isn't safe, healthy or sound for you. Sitting in all this thinking you can't leave another abusive or otherwise unhealthy situation for the whole of your life obviously is not going to help you when you're already in so much emotional pain. <3)

[swimminginspace]

thank you so much for your response <3 luckily, i think i'm starting to get through it the way you did. i do have a good therapist, and slowly but surely, i think my social circle is widening. my mom just started dating a guy for the first time in over a decade who's really nice, and last month i made an online friend who i've been regularily talking to (: it's a little scary clinging onto the hope that they'll be good and stick around, but i think what matters most is that right now, things are okay. we may move out of state soon, and where we're thinking about moving could also potentially open up way more positive life options for me.
as far as my sister, i'll be okay, but thank you! even putting physical stuff aside, i'm honestly just not fit to take care of myself in general; it's kind of complicated to explain why. but yeah, i'd much prefer to live with my mom and just learn how to talk back to her when she's being an ass lol. i did get on her ass one time for talking down to me like i'm 5 and she got embarrassed and apologized pretty quickly; maybe the more i'll do it, the higher chance it'll get through that thick skull of hers

[Sofi]

Hi swimminginspace, I just wanted to jump in and add that I'm proud of how self aware you are and how you're both acknowledging that this situation sucks while also seeing the positive and not giving up on finding a chosen family. I do hope your new friendship is longlasting but also remember that if it isn't that's okay, because it's still worth it to have a good friendship for any period of time. Keep putting yourself out there and exploring interests and communities. You are not alone <3