how to get boyfriend to communicate about/during sex

[jbt2458]

My boyfriend is pretty inexperienced sexually, and definitely from my experiences with him/talking hes watched a decent amount of porn and i feel like it really influences him. I've been having sex since i was 15 (22 now), and im also a survivor of multiple instances of rape (once by a boyfriend) and an abusive relationship. I tend to struggle to talk about sex, but ive really been working on it and really improved. Consent is really important to me, so a lot of times ill try to ask him what he wants/likes, and he doesn't really have an answer. The big thing is when we first started having sex he like surprised me with anal, and after a few times he finally asked me if it was ok. It was actually a pretty big shock to me, and i like it somewhat, but he often just surprises me trying to shove his dick up my butt and it is really painful when im not prepared and he doesn't even use lube. I want to talk to him about consent during sex, and communicating better about what the other person wants, but i dont know how to get him to open up. I asked him earlier in the week to start wearing condoms, because ive been dealing with triggers lately and the first time i was raped i got pregnant, so even though im on the pill, i still am more comfortable with condoms right now, but he didn't get any and his excuse is that hes been meaning too but keeps forgetting. I really love him, and i genuinely don't believe hes a bad guy or intentionally being a jerk, but im scared im missing something.

[jbt2458]

I feel like his experience with porn has made him not realize what sex is actually like, even when he says that he knows porn isn't real sex. but he misses all the communication which is super important to me. I want to bring up a yes/no list, but im hesitant

[Heather]

There's something we can and, IMO, should, talk more about, much bigger than the rest of what I am about to say. In this post, I hear you telling me he's been assaulting you -- he's been putting his penis in your body without asking. That's not being a crummy sexual partner, that's abuse. It also sounds like he might be engaging in another abuse, in reproductive coercion. So, no matter what, this person doesn't even sound safe for you to me. I personally would advise you stop being alone with them, period, let alone intimate.

But I also want to ask you something, so I have a better sense of where you're at with some of this: between this and your other posts, I wonder if -- before any of us responds directly to this post -- you could say a little about if you feel this person is actually a good choice of sexual partner for you. About why you're choosing to be in a sexual relationship with this person.

I'm personally seeing you say a lot of things that make it seem pretty clear that however you may feel about him otherwise, he not only doesn't seem like a good fit of partner for you (or maybe anyone), but I also think you're yourself already seeing and posting about all the things that make that clear. I see you posting things that say to me, "This guy doesn't seem all that ready for sex with another person, period, let alone for someone with a history of sexual trauma." But that's me.

I'd like to hear what you have to say about it and how you feel.

Do you think he's actually someone that's a good choice for you as a sexual partner? If you think so, can you say some of what you think he brings to the table?

If you don't think so, can you say a little about why you're staying with him as a sexual partner, and what you think you're getting from that that's good for you?

[jbt2458]

I definitely get that it appears that he is manipulative/abusive, and that been something ive been struggling with to be honest. I feel like he's different than the abusive relationships ive been a part of, but at the same time i never expected those to happen like that either. He was my best friend for years before we started dating, and he is a caring person. When i talk to him about things like what i want from sex he tends to be pretty receptive , like ive told him positions that are triggering and he doesnt try to do that anymore even though he likes them, and whenever i need him to stop if im having flashbacks he does without trying to make me feel guilty. It just feels like he has to learn how to communicate about sex, which im really pushing for now that ive started going to therapy. I have started being more verbal about what i need now, and what i wont accept from him, and he seems to be taking it seriously. its just a lot of conversations that we should have been having for the whole relationship, and im trying to play catch up and also understand where hes coming from

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing that with me.

Setting aside (for now), things like blowing you off about condoms, which is 100% not about him not knowing how to communicate, I'd say if he's THIS behind with sexual communication -- including if you're telling me that you don't think he was assaulting you, so much as not communicating, which seems unlikely to me, but -- then it seems to me he's someone who should only be sexual with others if and when he has actually radically improved on that, not before.

It strikes me as unsafe for you, even if I'm wrong about parts of this being outright abusive, to be sexual with someone who hasn't been communicating things like asking for your express consent.

It also is sounding to me like you have set your bar very low here for partners, or this one, anyway. For example, someone not guilt-tripping you when you tell them to stop having sex with you isn't being exceptional or great. They're just not being abusive or awful. That's basic, you know? Someone blowing you off about condoms isn't minor: it's major. If he can't remember, for real, then again, that tells me something about his readiness: someone being that selfish, irresponsible and cavalier about condom use isn't ready, able or maybe just plain willing to be a good partner to someone else.

What do you think about not being in a sexual relationship with this person UNTIL they are ready in these kinds of basic ways, rather than before they are? What would you lose by not having sex with him anymore until and unless he does his own work and changes in some of these basic ways?