Hey, I'd really appreciate some advice on how I can stay safe in light of a renewal of an old threat.
An ex who raped and beat me as a young teenager moved away and I cut contact with him. Many years later, he tried to contact me on Facebook. I ignored him, but now he's started talking to my friends and family in an effort to get my contact information. I haven't moved since he last knew where I lived, and he's shown up unannounced/after I ignored his attempts to see me before.
I'm trying to come up with precautions I can take to stop him from tracking me down. I can't really hide in my house, because he knows where that is, but I have other regular public commitments too - I run a non-profit that supports public events and the location of my synagogue is not a secret. What can I do to keep him away from me? For that matter, any advice on how I can draw the line between guarding my own safety and trying to grow beyond what he did to me?
How to Avoid an Abuser
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Keeper_of_cats
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Eddie C
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Re: How to Avoid an Abuser
Hello there, Keeper_of_cats.
Sorry to hear you are in a situation like this. I'm at the end of my shift but just wanted to let you know someone saw your post and it didn't go unnoticed.
The first thing that comes to my mind is to talk with your family and friends, especially those who this person is talking to, and let them know that you do NOT want to be contacted by this person. I don't know if your family and friends are people you can trust, but in the case that you do trust them then definitely asking for their help in this is a wise thing to do. When we are in danger, keeping it a secret can make the situation even more dangerous.
I'm leaving a note for my fellow volunteers, so as soon as someone else comes in I'm sure they will pitch in with more advice.
Sorry to hear you are in a situation like this. I'm at the end of my shift but just wanted to let you know someone saw your post and it didn't go unnoticed.
The first thing that comes to my mind is to talk with your family and friends, especially those who this person is talking to, and let them know that you do NOT want to be contacted by this person. I don't know if your family and friends are people you can trust, but in the case that you do trust them then definitely asking for their help in this is a wise thing to do. When we are in danger, keeping it a secret can make the situation even more dangerous.
I'm leaving a note for my fellow volunteers, so as soon as someone else comes in I'm sure they will pitch in with more advice.
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Heather
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Re: How to Avoid an Abuser
Can you give me an idea of what you're open to doing?
For instance, how do you feel about filling for an order of protection? About telling anyone at your synagogue or work? About telling your building manager or landlord or neighbors?
For instance, how do you feel about filling for an order of protection? About telling anyone at your synagogue or work? About telling your building manager or landlord or neighbors?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Keeper_of_cats
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Re: How to Avoid an Abuser
Hi Edith and Heather, thank you for responding.
I can warn my friends, but if I told my family there's a significant possibility they would give him my contact information out of spite.
I don't want to get the law involved unless he threatens me directly. I can tell my rabbi and my coworkers. I'm actually roommates with my older brother (who agreed not to give my contact info out) in our parents' house while they're posted in the US, so I don't have a building manager or landlord. I don't know my neighbours, but they don't know my name or schedule so I feel like he wouldn't be able to get much out of them anyways.
I'm concerned about escalating when he might back off on his own, and I'm concerned about drawing attention to myself by bringing up a history of abuse as a stealth trans man.
I can warn my friends, but if I told my family there's a significant possibility they would give him my contact information out of spite.
I don't want to get the law involved unless he threatens me directly. I can tell my rabbi and my coworkers. I'm actually roommates with my older brother (who agreed not to give my contact info out) in our parents' house while they're posted in the US, so I don't have a building manager or landlord. I don't know my neighbours, but they don't know my name or schedule so I feel like he wouldn't be able to get much out of them anyways.
I'm concerned about escalating when he might back off on his own, and I'm concerned about drawing attention to myself by bringing up a history of abuse as a stealth trans man.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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- Location: Chicago
Re: How to Avoid an Abuser
Okay.
I would simply tell as many people as you can in all your places who you know care about your safety. You'll just want to give them the basics, and let them know not to tell this person ANYTHING about you.
In the event any of them feel he is being threatening in any way, or otherwise dangerous, I would also suggest you give them your permission to call the police. That way, you also get an open door to file an order of protection at that point, with another person's report to strengthen your case and document any stalking.
I would simply tell as many people as you can in all your places who you know care about your safety. You'll just want to give them the basics, and let them know not to tell this person ANYTHING about you.
In the event any of them feel he is being threatening in any way, or otherwise dangerous, I would also suggest you give them your permission to call the police. That way, you also get an open door to file an order of protection at that point, with another person's report to strengthen your case and document any stalking.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 9542
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
- Age: 54
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: How to Avoid an Abuser
You might also tell some neighbors and ask them to let you know if they see him on your block.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead