In Lebanon (or at least, in Beirut) the joke is that it is equally likely to see a woman in a mini skirt as it is to see a woman in a hijab.
In Lebanon (or at least, in Beirut), European tourists feel at ease that the Lebanese still speak a post-colonial French, and let Beirut be called the Paris of the Middle East.
In Lebanon (or at least, in Beirut), tourists and Lebanese alike flock to the beaches and the nightclubs, openly drinking alcohol, smoking hookahs, and belly dancing to both popular western and Arabic music, creating a strange moment that many see as cultural influence, and many others see as cultural infiltration.
Still—despite the post-colonial familiarity and acceptability of Lebanese culture—Lebanese women remain in many ways decorative objects, openly ignored, slighted or discriminated against in legislation. In Lebanon, a woman cannot pass on her Lebanese nationality to her children. In Lebanon, a woman is not protected from domestic abuse—because the law does not recognize domestic abuse as a crime. In Lebanon, a woman is not protected from marital rape, because the law explicitly states that a married man is entitled to have his wife sexually whenever he pleases.
In Lebanon, if a man rapes an unmarried woman his crime is absolved so long as he proposes marriage to the victim. If she rejects his proposal, his prison sentence is shortened to six months.
If she is not a virgin—or her hymen happened to be previously broken [editor's note, see: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It] through a myriad of non-sexual means—this is not even an option, because it her rape cannot be proven and counted as rape.
If she is a perfect victim—which in Lebanon means virginal, religious, and focused on either being or becoming the perfect wife and mother—and if that rape case is even reported, the media obsesses over the ethnic and religious identity of the victim and perpetrator, detracting from the universal, horrific nature of the crime itself. In one instance at the end of last year, a young woman named Myriam Achkar was tragically sexually assaulted and then murdered in a Lebanese suburb of Beirut, and though this was the story—an innocent woman was the unfortunate, undeserving victim of a violent, horrible crime, the story that was conveyed through Lebanese media was different. As Lebanese journalist and feminist collective organizer Nadine Moawad wrote at the time,
That’s what the story is: A young woman, 28, takes a 20-minute walk from her home in the suburbs and gets sexually attacked and murdered by a man. But that’s not the story we’re hearing everywhere. What we’re hearing is: A young, Christian, virgin woman, 28, takes a 20-minute walk from her home to a church to pray, and gets sexually attacked and murdered by a Syrian worker.
As rape is conflated with ethnic and religious identities, a rape myth that only the lower class, non-Lebanese Syrian can rape a virginal, Christian Lebanese woman as she is coming home from praying at the church is perpetuated. If he were a wealthy Christian Lebanese man, and she was at a nightclub in Beirut—or worse, his wife–the crime would still be rape, but the story would not be told.
Lebanese women (and men) are beginning to stand up. Last week, the feminist anti-violence collective Nasawiya organized a march through the streets of Beirut, demanding that marital rape and domestic violence be addressed, and that women receive greater protection in the law.
I care about this deeply—because not only am I female and an anti-rape and sexual violence activist, but I am Lebanese-American. I have never been to Lebanon—but I know what it is like to stand up to Islamophobic and Arabophobic people in both France and the United States, and tell them that I am Lebanese. I know that after an awkward moment, they typically tell me that being Lebanese is "good Arab" and "not really the Arab world" and then there is an awkward sentence about how much they love hummus or how Lebanese women are notoriously beautiful.
I want to tell them that there is no such thing as "Good Arab" and "Bad Arab," and just because Lebanon is characterized by colonial influence and has lower rates of visitor warnings, doesn’t mean that we/they do not have heinous political problems. I want to tell them that we/they can solve these problems with the just way, not the be all and end all, hideously flawed western way.
I know what it is like when a cab driver asks me where I am from, that he is curious because I am brown like him, and might share a common culture or common language. I know that no matter how much I would like to simply say, "San Francisco" and have my cultural loose ends tie themselves behind me, that with being questionably brown on American soil invites a series of questions on just how brown you happen to be.
I know that when I say, "Part of my mother’s family is Lebanese"—because that’s what seems to make the most sense—the next question is, "Your mother’s family, are they Christian?"
I know what it is like almost three full generations later to wonder why the hell this even matters—but I know for many Lebanese women (and men) it can matter very much. I know that three generations later, through the fault of my unquestionably ethnic spice rack, the family recipes that I grew up with as "normal" (but are far too characterized by generous helpings of lamb, bulghar wheat, parsley, and cinnamon to be considered "American"), big eyes, and skin just brown enough to beg the question, "what are you?" that I have a personal, selfish stake in these women’s lives, well-being and daily bull shit—because it is just an accident that I am not one of them.
As Lebanon moves forward, and Lebanese feminists like the members of Nasawiya begin to stand up, rejecting the decorative role that society has imposed upon them and demanding that anti-violence legislation is written and implemented into the legal and cultural code, I am following half a world away with baited breath and excitement, wishing that I could also close my computer and take to the streets of Beirut. I hope that I finally visit Lebanon soon—and that when I do, I don’t have to take to the streets because Lebanese women are protected by the law and treated as equals, not because of the colonial savior of western influence or infiltration, but because women everywhere, around the world—regardless of race, religious affiliation, or ethnicity—deserve their issues to be addressed and respected in the law.
In Lebanon, the women and men—regardless of ethnicity, class, and religious affiliation—are fighting for this right.
This piece was originally published at:http://www.annalekasmiller.com
Hey. I'm 14 and I've never fingered myself. I've done other things, but the thought of fingering myself just seems gross. A couple times, I've tried to, but then I get to thinking about how gross vaginas are, and I chicken out. I know this is irrational, but do you have any advice on getting over this? Thanks.
And here's the second part of our volunteer profiles (part one is here) so all of you can better get to know some of the people we're so lucky to have on Team Scarleteen!
Age: 27
Where do you live? Melbourne, Australia
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2004
What made you want to volunteer? I went through high school and the first couple years of university completely clueless about pretty much everything to do with sex and relationships. When I finally found Scarleteen and had my own questions answered so brilliantly, with so much information and so much obvious care, I knew I had to help out.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? Learning to say "no", without any guilt, without feeling I'm letting a partner down, without second-guessing myself.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: That I can learn from them, really - I'm not always going to be the "expert". When I first started volunteering, I was so worried that it meant I'd have to know *everything* all of a sudden, but I figured out pretty quickly that I will always be learning something new here, and all of our users have a lot of knowledge to offer.
Favorite book: It's so tough to pick just one, but "A Wrinkle in Time" has always been near the top of the list. That, or anything by Terry Pratchett.
Favorite film: The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
One major life goal: To find a place that feels like home, and get to stay there for a good long time.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I want to help them be comfortable with who they are, to know that life is almost always best when you're being exactly who you are and not someone else's idea of who you should be.
Age: 27
Where do you live? Cologne, Germany
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2005
What made you want to volunteer? I wanted to spread the joy, basically. Scarleteen opened up all of these doors to me that I hadn't even been aware of previously, and I felt that everyone should have those opportunities. (It's part of why I love to teach, in general: I get super excited about learning new things, and I love the look on someone's face when they just learned something new that is completely changing their world view in a positive way. Can't beat that.)
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? That it's okay if I can't pin down my sexual orientation for more than a day at a time, and that it's okay if I love and want to be with more than one person. We all have, and get to have, our own authentic approach to sexuality, and they're all equally valid.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: I've been around for so long and been part of so many conversations that it is hard to pick out just one. But I'll keep thinking, maybe something comes to mind!
Favorite book: The book that single-handedly saved my life when I was 16 is Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. I'm also a big fan of the Harry Potter books and To Kill a Mockingbird, and lots of trashy vampire novels.
Favorite film: I have to watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch about once a week. I also like Out of Africa for when I'm feeling romantic, and My Girl for moments of childhood nostalgia.
One major life goal: To be able to live my life just the way I want it, unapologetic.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I want to give them the sense that they're okay, that there is nothing wrong with their wants or desires, and that they deserve to be respected.
Age: 24
Where do you live? Seattle
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2002
What made you want to volunteer? A combination of being a sex ed nerd and a passion for helping people.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? To relax and enjoy - it's supposed to be fun and feel good!
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: The best thing I've learned from Scarleeen users is the importance of going through the process of learning what you like and don't like sexually (orientation, experimenting with activities, etc).
Favorite book: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
Favorite film: Once.
One major life goal: To figure out what awesome career I want to have before I have to major in it.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? It would be that while no one has ALL of the answers (except maybe Heather [editor's note: I don't have them either! - HC]), we can work together as a community to keep everyone happy, healthy and full of real knowledge.
Age: 30
Where do you live? Kentucky
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2000
What made you want to volunteer? While I understood the mechanics, I was pretty clueless about relationships when I came out of high school. The more I learned at Scarleteen, the more committed I became to the mission of helping others also learn more about healthy relationships and sexuality.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? That condoms are awesome.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: The best thing I've learned from ST users is about how important it is to listen. Learning from others, communicating with partners, friends and others all start with listening.
Favorite book: Just about anything sci-fi/fantasy.
Favorite film: I love musicals. It's hard to pick just one favorite!
One major life goal: To do work that I love and feel is important.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I'm proud to be a part of a place that provides a safe space and honest information where everyone can share and learn from one another.
This may get a bit vivid. Be warned. I have a twisted sexual history. After being molested at age 5 and again at 14 I somehow allowed myself to get taken advantage of and used in regards to sex. It took me many years to heal and much pain to get to where I am now and I can have a healthy sexual experience with my current boyfriend. I stayed at his house when he was renting a room out of a bachelors pad and I understood and accepted that Playboy magazines were on every toilet and the toilet seats were always up. One day he came to the kitchen with a boner kissing on me and whatnot, a short while after I went up to the bathroom where he had been showering and found a Playboy open. Are you kidding me? How dare he have the audacity to come to me with a boner he got from a slut in a magazine? It was talked about and made clear I am not comfortable with that whatsoever, he should be loyal to me mind body and soul, and I should be enough for him; as it is likewise.
It's been months since then. I found some porn videos on his phone yesterday and it really repulsed me. I get dressed up for him, I go down on him, I put out frequently. We do get kinky. Now the reason this video offended me so much is I do let him [ejaculate] on my [breasts]: its a thrill for him. In this porn video there's a girl who looks like me, disturbing enough as is, and shes giving a guy a blowjob till he [ejaculates] on her [breasts], then she turns to the next guy and does it again. Screen changes and she's [having intercourse] from behind and he [ejaculates] in her, then she crawls forward and starts giving another guy head as yet another comes up to [have sex with her] from behind as well. TOO FAR. It's not your basic porn scene, and it bothers me that its a twisted repulsive obscene image of something him and I share intimately. We've just moved in together and I can't imagine ever letting him see me naked again. I feel like he twisted our passionate and beautiful sex into some perverted expression of his twisted fantasies.
Our volunteers are a huge part of Scarleteen, and I call them superstars with very good reason. They're all incredible.
They play a big part in providing our direct services at our message boards and through our text-in answer service. They are our invaluable collective editorial board: even when volunteers aren't part of writing a piece, every piece we publish goes past at least some of them and their input is priceless. They're an equal part of all conversations about how we run things here, collectively informing and making decisions about how we manage and administrate the site and organization. They are a strong support circle: for all of us as a staff, for each other, for our users. They are a brilliant hivemind: our backend chat channel for staff and volunteers has had some amazing, inspired conversation about the issues we address here at Scarleteen. Most of our volunteers also started out at Scarleteen as users, so they come in with a lot of knowledge about being a user here, which informs the way they do their work a lot. And they dedicate their free time to doing all of this, only receiving a modest stipend for their work as our budget allows.
Like I said, superstars. What we'd do without them....well, I hope we never have to know.
I feel lucky to know all of them as well as I do, and thought all of you might want a chance to get to know them a bit more yourself. I'll do this puppy in two parts to give you these snapshots: here's the first installment!
Age: 23
Where do you live? South English urban town by the sea.
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2010
What made you want to volunteer? I never knew there were people out there exactly like me. Feminist, gender-fluid, open about sex, thinking in great depth about abuse and objectification, pansexual...Frantically googling the relationships between gender and sexual abuse, I found home. At first I thought you were all teens...but, my gosh. Adults being open about rape with teens. I've never felt so alive since I found Scarleteen. I *had* to be a part of you - I already was in my heart.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? That actual, intelligent, well-respected ADULTS believe that gender and sex aren't linked. And there are lots of them. Closely followed by the fact that the so-called 'female' body isn't a sexual thing in itself - just sexualized by culture. I can look in the mirror again!
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: That we can be strong even if we don't get on so well with our parent(s), or they've abused us. We can survive & thrive; we still rock. Also: every single one of them breaks some kind of stereotype just by existing. One is a femme lesbian, for instance; breaking the idea that lesbians are tomboys. Loads of female users love sex; including casual sex; loads of male users like romance.
Favorite book: Hmm. Mighty difficult. 'Wicked' - Gregory Maguire, 'Delusions of Gender' - Cordelia Fine, Children's Books: 'Saffy's Angel'& 'The Exiles' - Hilary McKay & 'Water Wings' - Moris Glietzman.
Favorite film: Anchorman!
One major life goal: Make some friends I actually love. Be part of a friendship group.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? To help make it so that no teen/twenty-something ever goes through what I did due to misinformation. We're only young once, and so many teens must spend it scared to death rather than being free and having fun due to adults with-holding info or lying. So much fear and devastation could have been avoided if only I'd know that: no Manual sex with no ejaculate on hands can't get you pregnant. It's coercion, not 'boys being boys'. A boyfriend can still assault you. You're not broken because you're a girl who has lots of casual sex. You're not getting 'more broken and used up each time'. Age-gap relationships don't automatically kill you if everyone is aware and caring. No, EC isn't an abortion. Nope, men aren't 'more visual' and objectification is part of rape culture. And, yep, bisexuality exists!
Age: 28
Where do you live? Outside of Redmond, WA
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2010
What made you want to volunteer? Heather asked me, I enjoy helping/educating people.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? Something I thought I couldn't even do turned out to be my favorite sexual activity once I tried it.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: How strong young people really are.
Favorite book: I love books - I read around 2 books a week. It's really impossible to pick one favorite. I'm into Sci-Fi, True Crime, Self-Improvement, General fiction, Non-fiction, Science books. A couple favorite books: The entire Earth's Children series by Jean M. Auel, Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
Favorite film: Back to the Future
One major life goal: To be content & happy
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I would really like to help young people to learn what they need to know to be safe & happy going into adulthood. They have such a desire to learn these things, and yet many adults are reluctant to give them this knowledge - even purposely keeping information from them, often at the expense of a young persons health. I want to counteract this in any way I can - I am a firm believer of information being freely available.
Age: 24
Where do you live? Ottawa, Canada
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2005
What made you want to volunteer? When I first came here, I had so many questions and I was kind of a mess. All the volunteers and users at the time were awesome to me. Once I got my own stuff mostly sorted out, I wanted to be able to do the same for others so I started reading the articles more and answering questions.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? It's okay to laugh and be silly during sexy times. I used to have this idea that everything had to be perfect and romantic and serious. I realize now that there will be noises and smells, and sometimes something won't go quite where or how you intended it to. Being able to laugh about this stuff makes the whole experience better for me.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: I tend to be the kind of person who wants to fix things for everyone, and I’m slowly learning that it’s okay not to have all the answers, and that I don’t have to do everything alone. I think the sense of community and helpfulness around here has been a really big part of that.
Favorite book: I love to read so this is always a really hard question for me to answer. I think I’d have to say His Dark Materials Trilogy by Philip Pullman though. I’ve re-read it countless times.
Favorite film: Also hard to pinpoint. I have really random tastes in movies, but I guess I’d say it’s a tie between V for Vendetta and Hot Fuzz.
One major life goal: Get my counselling career started!
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I’d like everyone who comes to Scarleteen to leave with more knowledge, and a sex positive attitude. Both are so important and really go hand in hand.
Age: 25
Where do you live? Pitcairn, Pennsylvania (small town about 15 minutes outside Pittsburgh)
What year did you first find Scarleteen? 2008
What made you want to volunteer? When I first came to the site it took me a long time to even post, and I was terrified of what whomever answered may say. I remember thinking for sure that every thought I had about past sexual abuse was my fault, but actually finding a comfortable safe space at Scarleteen. The more I saw of the site the more I realized and loved that it was a safe place for so many people. I started answering questions I knew answers to hoping to be able to help others as I was, and was SO excited when I was able to become a volunteer.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? I don’t have to have or understand all the answers about myself, my likes and dislikes, or even my boundaries as they can be formed and changed depending on what feels right for me at any time.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: One thing I’ve learned from SO many users is that just when we think we’re totally defeated, we can get up – brush the dirt off – and keep on walking. We have some really really strong individuals with such diverse experiences and backgrounds, and so often they really inspire me to keep on fighting through anything.
Favorite book: So, anyone that knows me knows I can’t pick one favorite book. I love to read, was always the kid in trouble for reading a book by flashlight under my covers ever since I was a child - reading anything I can get my hands on. But I can say I’ve read every Stephen King, John Grisham, Laurell K Hamilton, Charlaine Harris and Shel Silverstein book ever published.
Favorite film: I love a good horror movie, especially the classics. Freddy, Jason, even the old black and white films.
One major life goal: Find the courage to always be myself, and make a difference for others while doing so.
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? I’d like to give users the knowledge to protect themselves in the decisions they feel are right for them at any time – and to help each of them understand that contrary to what I was told growing up it’s totally okay to spend time experimenting and getting to know yourself and what brings pleasure to you. (And enough of the misinformation and scare tactics around sex ed!)
Age: 23
Where do you live? Leeds UK
What year did you first find Scarleteen? around 2005
What made you want to volunteer? Scarleteen's discussions on the boards were something I enjoyed and to be able to have more of an involvement to have my young opinion and expertise respected and appreciated was something I couldn't quite pass up. It's rare that I was able to feel that I could help other people and be respected by grown ups for doing it and for myself. I also happen love finding out more and talking about sexuality and sex.
Biggest personal sexual epiphany (so far)? A single thing might just be my first orgasm not-on-my-own... I think to have that part of myself suddenly not private was a big change. But lots of small epiphanies are always happening: very few sexual experiences have nothing new about them.
Best thing you ever learned from a Scarleteen user/users: That people can deal with a lot of difficult stuff... there doesn't seem to be an objective limit to human adaptability, it's actually amazing and it's like people we live with everyday.
Favorite book: I really couldn't say, but maybe The member of the wedding by Carson McCullers
Favorite film: Something between Disney's Dumbo and Fellini's Roma! Dumbo is just such a heart wrenching compassionate coming-out story about a flying elephant with an amazing score and images while Roma is just a plush gushing passionate portrait of a city with all it's complexities and colours.
One major life goal: To smooth over the bumps, life seems pretty up and down all the time! I like the idea of being old and steady for while!
If you could sum up what you want to give to users here in your work at Scarleteen, what would that be? Some words that help someone to look at their own situations in a some new way that helps them. And to help Scarleteen make sex educators and self-educators of us all.
im a girl, im 15 and im scared or any kind of sex. (fingerbang, hand job, blow job, or sex) the thing is all of my friends have gone farther than me or have even had sex,i live in a small town so we are always finding things to compete over and this happens to be something all the girls are doing. when i think about being sexually active with my boy friend im okay with it, i actually want to, but when i have the chance to i back out... i think the main reason is i dont know how to do it..
i would really like to plessure my boyfriend and be plessured by him, but i get scared. if you have any ideas or anything i should try to overcome this fear of not doing it right or to loosen up and just relax it would be really appreciated !!!! thanks soo much ! (:
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