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I'm 20 and have been with my partner for about two and a half years. We have a great relationship and are happy together. However, two years ago, when we first started sleeping together, I contracted genital herpes, even though we used condoms. I was a virgin before I slept with him so I knew it had come from him. I was angry and upset but he kept telling me he had tested clean at his last STI check and couldn't understand that he must have it. When we went to the GUM clinic (together) they confirmed that I had herpes but told me that they don't test for herpes unless there are symptoms present. Therefore when my boyfriend had his previous check-up (symptom free) he tested clean for everything they test for and then went on to sleep with me. My boyfriend was upset that I was blaming him and was tested again for everything they test for to prove to me he wasn't lying when he told me he was clean. He was negative for everything they tested him for....except like last time, they didn't test for Herpes and told him they didn't test for it unless there were symptoms, which there wasn't. He says he doesn't remember ever having symptoms hence why he's never had a physical check for it. I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong, and neither did my boyfriend, but I feel so bad about myself. I feel like I should have done something before we slept together, but I don't know what. I asked him to make sure he was clean: he did. We had no idea that they didn't do standard tests for herpes.
How do I stop feeling dirty and like I was irresponsible?
I've been reading Scarleteen since I was at least 16, and the vital knowledge has kept me safe thus far... UNFORTUNATELY after getting through high school and college completely unscathed and mostly responsible, I finally dropped my guard for a nice, geeky, Christian boy who'd never kissed a girl EVER. And now I have oral herpes. I'm pissed. Really, really pissed. One day he greeted me with a kiss and when he pulled back I noticed his lips were a bit on the gross side. When he said, "Oh, I just have a cold sore," I completely freaked. Apparently his whole family caught it from his parents and they never made it clear to them that A) Cold sores/Fever blisters ARE Herpes and B) they can be spread to others. They act like it's completely normal. The last time I went to his house I saw a BULK sized bottle of Lysine on the kitchen sink. When my boyfriend asked his mom about why they never warned him, she replied that I was simply overreacting and that I should get over it.
I want to know how I can get through this without hating him and his generally very nice family. He's a great guy, and he didn't do it on purpose (I've never met anyone who has), but I'm just so pissed at him and at myself. I feel dirty, ashamed, and like I should have known better.
Newly Blistered Sister
I am currently living with my boyfriend (who is considerably older than I am) and he gave me genital herpes. He has supported me through the initial outbreak (which was terrifying, painful, and life-altering), and has continued to comfort and discuss our relationship with me. However, I have become quite depressed and feel that I have discarded my body's purity and feel that if I ever leave this man, I will not be worthy of a regular or healthy relationship.
I want to be married and have children at some point in my life, but feel like I don't deserve that since I was so cavalier and thoughtless when it came to my sexual health. I have been thinking about hurting myself or ending my life (of which I have a history), and have also considered hurting the man who I am beginning to feel deliberately infected me as a means to entrap and emotionally destroy me.
I am 20 years old and alone. I have no familial support and don't feel like I can tell my friends I am infected because they are healthy and may reject me. Any encouragement or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Do coldsores mean that you have Herpes? My friend told me that coldsores were a sign of an STI. I had my first coldsore when I was 9 years old and I was definately not sexually active. I haven't had one since but I am afraid that I might be carrying Herpes. I know lots of people who get coldsores on a regular basis and I just don't understand how all these people could have Herpes. I know that it is very contagious. Does having this mean that you can never have sex? Can you clarify for me? Thanks a bunch!
I have been with my boyfriend 2 years now, we have had anal sex before. I was not aware of the safety factors of it, and we had anal to vaginal sex...alot. I ended up with a horrible UTI and kidney infection. I also had anal herpes outbreak (never had one before.) This was all over a year ago. Anyway, we are trying to introduce anal play back into our sex life.
I am paranoid (as you can imagine) I need your professional advice, and opinions. Do we need to use a condom for anal since we have been together so long, and already figured out that we have herpes? Also...I am paranoid about the infection thing, obviously I'm not even thinking about anal to vaginal sex, but I am still nervous. Please set my mind at ease.
I had unprotected sex (mistake #1) with an older guy who I don't know at all (mistake #2), but he didn't have any sores on his penis, and we only had sex for like 25 seconds, if that. If he didn't ejaculate in me and didn't have any sores, could it still be likely that I get a STD from him? He said he doesn't have any STDs, but people lie, and I'm obviously nervous. If you have unprotected sex, how long should you wait to have a Pap smear done to get the correct results? Is four weeks long enough? Is one week too short?