By Heather Corinna

Thankfully, some people are now using safer sex throughout their sexual lives, beginning from day one. Yay! We like these people: they help keep us all healthier and do what they can to be sure we and they will be around a good long time so that we can enjoy sex and everything else life has to offer.

But for some, that isn't the case. Perhaps you started your sexual life irresponsibly or without learning how to protect yourself from pregnancy, infection or disease, and you're ready to wise up. Or perhaps in any given relationship, you and your partner started taking risks somewhere along the line, and now you're having some trouble breaking those bad habits. Some people even think that being responsible -- or asking a partner to -- is somehow insulting, lacking intimacy or rude. Regardless of the scenario, it can feel awkward and seem really difficult sometimes to settle into healthy practices without feeling like the Sex Decency Brigade.

It doesn't have to be that way. Really, it doesn't. I promise.

Because of the way that sexuality works in all of us, the more responsible we are, and the more safe and protected we feel, the easier it is to be really aroused and to enjoy sex: which is the point. Worry and fear (which is valid, especially if you aren't playing it safe) about disease, infection and pregnancy does actually inhibit our brains from firing off all the pistons that make us aroused and sexually excited. In men that can mean premature ejaculation, or trouble with erection. In women that can mean a lack of vaginal lubrication, vaginal tightness and discomfort and inhibitors to orgasm. So, aside of the mental anguish, there are also very real and visible physical effects to taking risks we just don't feel good about. And since sex isn't a requirement you won't die if you don't have it, honest -- but something any of us should only do to feel pleasure, closeness and joy, if it's riddled with anxiety and fear, there's just no point to it.

In order to reduce the risks of sexually transmitted infections and diseases (STIs/STDs), if you're going to be sexually active, the only things we know which have been shown to reduce those risks are these: using latex barriers for genital sex, all partners getting tested regularly (yearly or more often if partners change), and limiting the number of sex partners we have. Love doesn't reduce STIs by itself. Trust doesn't reduce STIs by itself. "Technical" virginity, or only abstaining from vaginal intercourse but doing everything else, doesn't reduce STIs. Engaging in these three methods of prevention for at least the first six months of any new relationship before ditching barriers or reducing the frequency of testing is what does.

Will everyone always use all of these barriers for all kinds of sex? No, they (or you) may not.

We're giving you this information do that you can know how to reduce your risks as best as you can; so you know what the ideal is when it comes to protecting yourself and your partners if you're going to be sexually active. How much risk you and yours are willing to take at any time, and how much you want to do to reduce those risks is your choice to make. We just want to make sure you know how you can reduce them so that you can make an informed choice for yourself.

Our Syllabus

• Tools of the Trade: The Safer Sex Kit
• When You Need to Use What
• Reality Check: Some basic principles from Our Lady of Perpetual Latex to help you get it together and put it in practice.

First things first. For less than around 30 bucks U.S., you can put together a super-duper safer sex kit with everything you'll need to help protect you and yours against disease and infection, as well as pregnancy, when that's an issue. You can get the things listed here at your local pharmacy, drugstore, grocery store, clinic, online, or (if you're old enough) at your local sex shop.

Your Basic Safer Sex Kit for a Pittance

• One box of latex condoms, preferably NOT spermicidal, and in a variety of the styles you like. Keep a couple flavored ones (Trustex makes great flavors) in there for fellatio (oral sex on a man). At Scarleteen, we prefer condoms made by Durex, Kimono, Crown and Inspiral. If you are allergic to latex, then polyurethane condoms (like Avanti). Never use animal-based condoms for safer sex purposes as they do not block microorganisms.
  Average cost: $8
• One bottle of latex-safe, water-based lubricant. You can even get lubricant in single-use tubes and have a variety of lubes, including flavors. Astroglide is our personal favorite.
  Average cost: $8
• 10 pairs of latex gloves -- any drug store or medical supply sells them. If you're allergic to latex, there are latex alternatives.
  Average cost: $5
• 5 dental dams, or, if you can't find them, a box of plain old plastic wrap (the kind you'd have in the kitchen for wrapping food) for cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman). Sheer Glyde dams are the best we've found. If you're allergic to latex, go with the plastic wrap.
  Average cost for five dams: $7
  Average cost for one box of plastic wrap: $2
• A little tube of organic aloe vera gel. Say what? Sometimes, our skin reacts badly to certain lubricants or condoms. When it does, a little aloe will soothe your skin and stop swelling and allergic reactions that can make the transmission of disease more likely. Let it sit for a little bit, then wipe with water, and you're all better.
  Average cost: $3

TOTAL COST: $26

When to Use What

Ideally, here's what you should be using to protect yourself as best you can from sexually transmitted infections. Again, everyone will make their own choices in terms of how much protection they want to have -- some people are comfortable with just using condoms for vaginal or anal intercourse, others will want to add gloves or dams for other activities. You know best how protected YOU want yourself and your partners to be, so make your personal choices accordingly.

• Penis-in-vagina intercourse: Condom and lubricant
• Anal Intercourse: Condom and lubricant (ALWAYS use a new condom if switching between vaginal and anal intercourse)
• Fellatio ( "giving head" or "blow job"): Flavored condom or unlubricated condom.
• Cunnilingus ("going down" or "eating out"): Dental dam or saran wrap barrier, lubricant
• Analingus (or "rimming"): Dental dam or saran wrap barrier, lubricant
• Manual sex ("fingering", or "hand job"): Latex gloves (or just freshly-washed hands), lubricant

Want to know what those activities put you at risk for, especially if you don't use these methods of barrier protection? Click here.

Need to know how to use a condom the right way? Click here. Want some help shopping for the right condoms? We can help you there, too

Note: Lubricant means latex-safe, water-based (or sometimes silicone) lube expressly MADE FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY and use with condoms and other barriers. The following are NOT safe to be used as lubricants for safe sex: spermicidal jelly or suppositories, vaseline, baby oil, massage oils, vegetable oil, butter, body lotions or cremes, or saliva. While those agents can be fine for masturbation or mutual masturbation when NOT using latex, they will either destroy or dissolve the latex or they will simply make it more likely for the latex to erode or tear during use. A broken condom doesn't do anyone any good.

Remember too, that safer sex tools only work if you use them every single time from start to finish. A condom used after ten minutes of intercourse or close contact, or a dam used only halfway into cunnilingus doesn't protect you. And don't forget that barriers alone -- without testing or limiting partners -- doesn't cut it. Barriers reduce your risks in a very big way, to be sure, but testing is just as important.

So, how do you introduce these things without feeling like a Sex Cop or a party pooper? Bear these simple principles in mind.

1) Sex is often about play -- even responsible sex.
On some level, it really is. When you were a kid, you really liked being on the swings for hours because it felt good, it gave you an adrenaline rush, and you were able to enjoy how it made you feel. Sex is much the same way. It's a different sort of play, whether we're doing it alone or with a partner. So, remember to have fun with it -- laugh, smile, giggle, have a good time. Sex is sacred, sure, but it shouldn't feel like Sunday Mass.

You can make introducing responsible practices part of that play. On the day you want to introduce condoms into your partnership, blow up a bunch of them in your room like balloons. Or buy some glow in the dark ones and don't tell your partner what they do until the lights go out. To introduce latex gloves and lube, borrow a stethoscope and play doctor. To start using a vaginal barrier, make a high-fashion bikini out of the plastic wrap. If things get awkward as you're learning to use these things, let yourself laugh about it -- there IS something very funny about a glove that shoots across the room, or about a neon green condom. And that's a Good Thing -- laughing is a natural aphrodisiac anyway. Laugh a little. Play -- just play safe.

2) Being safe makes everyone feel sexier.
Being really savvy about sexuality and knowing how to manage it like a pro is a natural high. It makes you feel better because you have a whole lot less to worry about, and it makes your partner feel better because then they can feel supported in being responsible, too. In other words, knowing you're assertive, responsible, educated and safe is empowering, and when you are sexually empowered, you're in control. And being in control of your sexuality and your well-being is about as sexy as sexy gets.

3) Safer sex comes with some hidden benefits.
Betcha didn't know that condoms can help to maintain erection and fend off premature ejaculation. They sure can. Did you also know that female manual sex with a glove and lube usually feels a WHOLE lot better and more comfortable with a latex glove? Latex gloves keep rough calluses, cuticles and nail tips from scratching delicate vaginal or anal tissue. And vaginal intercourse using condoms and lubricant feels divine: latex provides a smoother texture, and lubricant keeps everything from drying out and getting sore. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Most people find that when they make an attitude adjustment about safer sex that they discover great things about it they never knew.

4) Responsible and safe sex strengthens your relationships.
When you and your partner(s) both take the initiative and share the responsibility for sex, and care for one another in this respect, it can really solidify your bond. Take turns putting on the condom. Create a joint budget for safer sex supplies and do the shopping and choosing together. Make a sex "kit" that is just for the two of you, or create a cool case or container to keep your items in that's personalized and fun. And by all means, talk about it. If you don't like the brand of condom or the birth control you're using, work together to find what does work best for the both of you. And get tested for STIs every six months together. It doesn't have to be torture if you make a date of it. Go have a nice breakfast, go get tested, and when the results come in, do something to celebrate. Heck, decorate one another with gold stars!

5) The sexually empowered will inherit the earth.
No kidding. You'll find that having an STI or an accidental pregnancy can really cramp your style and can potentially bring your sex life (and that of your partners) to a grinding halt. While when these things happen we can find ways of dealing with them, if you can avoid them, you obviously should. Beyond practicing safer, responsible sex, simply being really aware of what your risks are when you're deciding on what sexual activities to participate in and how, and being aware of your own status with regular testing makes all the difference in the world. Not only does it make it a whole lot simpler to make informed choices, it makes it a whole lot simpler to negotiate with a partner when you can tell them flat out that the oral sex they want to have unprotected puts you both at risk for cytomegalovirus, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, herpes, HIV/AIDS, genital warts, and syphilis, and that you *know* what to do to eradicate that risk and that's what you're going to do. Your being informed not only benefits you, it benefits your partners and everyone around you. People greatly respect and admire that. And when we all get informed and act responsibly, we can make a viable difference in the level and prevalence of disease in our world and help make it a safer place for everybody.

6) In sex, two people (or more) should share the drivers seat.
One of the great things about partnered sex is that it is about union.

There should be no need for power struggles, or for one person to be in control and the other to just go along for the ride, unless you've negotiated certain sex to be that way (and if so, everyone involved STILL needs to be active and in control of safety issues and limits). There is room for two behind the steering wheel of this car. Learning to communicate and cooperate when it comes to safer sex also helps us to communicate and cooperate in our relationship and in our general sexuality. That means that talking about how and when to use a condom and getting that down pat makes talking about how you'd like to try something new, or about how you want to try and find greater sexual satisfaction a LOT easier. Bonus! What it also means is that BOTH of you make the decisions and responsible choices. If ever you find yourself in a situation where one partner makes all the rules, all the choices, and shoulders all the responsibility (or worse, is in charge of keeping you both unsafe and irresponsible), it's time to stop being a doormat, grow a backbone and remember that if it isn't taking two, it's no sort of partnership at all. And no one likes feeling like a blow-up doll.

7) This is reality: deal with it.
In the world we live in, if you're sexually active, right now you've got about a 70% chance of transmitting or contracting a disease or infection before you're done with college.

Them's the facts: the records are out there, so feel free to look'em up.

And if you want to prevent that from happening, you've got to learn how to use this stuff, consistently, or you've got to choose not to be sexually active at all when it comes to sexual practices which carry those risks (and basically, the only ones that really don't are phone or cybersex, masturbation, hugging or massage). Having only one partner can decrease that risk, but it doesn't eradicate it -- that's right, even if you and your partner have never had other partners. So, you're going to have to learn to do this eventually, and learning BEFORE you contract or transmit disease is a whole lot smarter and a whole lot simpler.

Related Books

The "Go Ask Alice" Book of Answers: A Guide to Good Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Health author: Columbia University's Health Education Program asin: 0805055703

S.E.X.: Spelling Out All You Need to Know About Your Sexuality author: Heather Corinna asin: 1600940102