I've been worried recently due to my labia being different sizes and one being rather stretchy. They have also gone darker in colour. Is this normal, different, a medical problem? I have been searching on the internet for some help on whether this is normal or not. Most articles say size difference is normal but this doesnt make the situation any easier for me. Oral sex seems a worrying thought, what if the guy is like "What the hell is up with this... gross... it doesnt look normal to me!" Even when it happens I'm going to worry he's thiking it. There's no way to tell if mine looks normal or not, I can't exactly ask my friends...embarassing or what!? Anyway, I would be forever grateful for a bit of a suggestion.

A guy thinking that would be similar to someone from one culture looking at someone of another, who looks different or unfamililar, and presuming that because someone looks different from what they look like, or what they know or expect, that that person isn't normal.

And just as when that's the case with someone being xenophobic like that, such would be the case here: that'd be all about that person's limited perception or their expectations, not about you or your body at all. no matter what your genitals look like, and what kind of labia you have, a person could react that way.

It is normal for labia to be stretchy: if they were not, then when they got tugged around a bit, as often happens during certain sexual and other activities, they would tear and/or cause you a lot of pain. It's normal for them to also be different sizes and shapes: when they form when you're in utero from the genital folds, it's pretty free-flowing, especially since for everyone, they have the capacity to be labia or a penile shaft before fetal sex organ development etermines which -- and since that's not done by a machine that makes everyone the same, but happens organically, we get a lot of variance there. Any number of shades and hue variations are also normal, and it's normal for genital tissue, just like the rest of our skin, to change in shade over time (though I'm willing to bet your shade really hasn't changed much if at all: it's pretty typical for us to find changes that aren't even there or any sort of change at all once we're self-conscious about something).

If you need verification that your labia are normal, one of the best people to ask is your gynecologist: after all, they look at labia all day, every day. They know full well what's normal, and also know that nearly all women's labia are normal, and that there is a LOT of variation. Your GYN could tell you all about how much variation if you asked, and would likely be happy to talk to you about it.

But without even doing that, I can tell you that if you're not having any sort of pain or physical discomfort, and if you've never had a serious genital injury nor did your pediatrician ever have any concerns, then chances are more than exceptionally good that your labia are completely normal. Understand that even the idea that they might not be is primarily a totally new idea which only gained any popularity once cosmetic surgeons figured out that this was yet another way to make the big cash by feeding on women's insecurities and body image problems. It is in their interest to have any of us think our bodies are not normal and fine as-is: if so many people didn't have so many insecurities, the entire industry of cosmetic (rather than reconstructive) surgery wouldn't exist, and it makes those who work in it an awfully large chunk of change. Just as is the case with the diet industry, such is the case here. You've just got to be smarter and more confident than to let standards set by people or groups like this impact you: they financially benefit from you thinking that way, but it's you who pays the price.

This isn't just about cosmetic surgeons, either. In part because so much of the vulva is hidden from view by design, and in part because our cultures have made so much of the female body a big secret (save when it's used to sell something), a lot of people don't know what vulvas really look like. You probably haven't seen one save your own, and a young male partner may never have seen one at all. Smart people, sound people, don't tend to assume that something we have never seen before isn't normal the first time we see it, because we know -- when that's the case -- that we've no basis for comparison. Usually, when any of us sees something new and mysterious for the first time that we've interest in seeing, we're much more likely to think, "Whoah, cool," rather than "Eeew, gross." And in case you really need to know, when most men who sleep with women talk about their first experiences with female genitals outside the locker room (where there can be a lot of pressure to be dishonest), "Whoah, cool," is the usual response they remember having. :)

If and when you get to the point that you're giving someone oral sex, and have not been face to face with genitals before, might you think that they don't look like you expected, especially if your only expectation was based on what people say or pornography or your own imagination? Sure. Would that mean that something was wrong with that person's genitals? Nope: it'd just mean you had no real way of knowing what something really looked like until you actually had a look at it. Do you think that person should invest a lot of energy in worrying about you having that reaction? I sure don't: after all, we can't control someone's expectations of something new to them.

And if and when a partner is giving you oral sex, I'd hope that well before then, you've established that that person is someone you can trust, who has exhibited the kind of maturity someone ready for sex with a partner has, and who you know to treat you with respect and care. If that's the case, there's nothing to worry about here. If that is NOT the case, then you have more to worry about with a partner without all that than what they're going to think about your labia.

So, let this worry go. Really: it's only going to drag you down.

When you get to the point where you're ready to share your body with someone, it should be an experience that, even while it can be a little bit nerve-wracking at first, is ultimately something joyful for you that you feel good about with someone you feel safe with. And that has far more to do with who that other person is, what they're like and what regard they hold you in, as well as your own confidence and acceptance of your body, than it does with what something looks like. Even people who by any given set of standards are "perfect," will often be so convinced they're not -- and really, they aren't, we aren't: people are imperfect by design, because bodies are not factory-issued -- and that something is so gross about them, that they'll miss out what would be an otherwise wonderful experience.

(By the way? A LOT of women have been struggling with this lately, largely in part becuase, as I mentioned, there is suddenly an industry, and others benefitting from it, giving women the impression something totally normal isn't. You really COULD talk to friends about this if you wanted: you all might be able to really use the collective support as well as the reality-check. When we do start talking about it, it becomes even more obvious what utter baloney this is, because with so many young women so convinced they're not normal, if there were any truth in that, ABnormal would be what's normal, and you can see how that makes no kind of sense at all.)