I have been so grateful for this site, it has been wonderful in making me more comfortable about my relationship. Basically, it comes down to the fact that my boyfriend and I are at the point where sex would seem like the next natural step, but every time we get close, we end up having a discussion instead. We have been together for a year now, are 21 and are both virgins, and while he is completely ready, I am not sure I am. We have engaged in all other sexual activities, manual, oral, etc, but I cannot seem to wrap my head around the idea of having actual intercourse.I have told him why - nervous, scared that the relationship will change, that it will become all about the physical, etc. And while he says he wants me to be comfortable, I think that he is really getting frustrated. I feel like even though we are not having sex yet, everything is now about that. And the last time we were together, it was all about him...physically I mean. And he is never like that. I just don't know if I am making too big a deal out of the whole sex thing. I mean we have talked the issue to death already, and I want to know what sex with him would be like....is there anything I can do to take the pressure off of myself and to therefore, take the pressure off our relationship?

Before I say anything else, just know that you get to feel whatever you feel, and that there isn't anything wrong with either not feeling ready for -- or just plain old not wanting -- any given sexual activity. Anything I say from here on out is not intended to influence you to make any one choice, okay? When you connect your head, heart and your guts, whatever the general consensus is will be your right answer for you.

It might be helpful to know that when we're looking at how sex can change relationships -- and it can, in a whole bunch of different ways, negatively and/or positively -- we're not just talking about intercourse. You two have already been sexually active, so you've likely already seen the changes you're going to. If your relationship was going to become all about sex because of becoming sexually active, it probably would have happened by now. Too, you will already have a good idea of what sex is like with him right now: how things are with all the other sexual activities you're having is likely to be the same sort of dynamic, emotional tone and such that you'd have adding intercourse to the mix.

Mind you, vaginal intercourse is given an extra weight in our culture, something we often tend to pick up on from a very early age, so it's typical for people to give an extra weight to it, too. Obviously, the fact that pregnancy is then a risk also adds extra gravity all its own. So, while sex is sex is sex, really, if intercourse carries more weight in your mind than other activities, then it is something different for you.

But it sounds to me like right now you ARE noticing a dynamic in the sex you're already having, and the way you're both talking about intercourse, that is already not a good one. Have you talked about that evening where he made the sex all about him? Have you talked about how you feel like things are becoming all about sex, and that while he says he wants you to be comfortable, you're feeling pressured? If so, have those been conversations you've left feeling good about, and feeling like your issues were addressed? If not, then I'd say part of your reluctance may be because as it stands already, sex or the relationship is currently problematic, and it's sage to be reluctant -- for any sex -- when that's the case. And if you haven't talked about any or all of these things, I'd say you need to, and need to far outside the bedroom.

I'd also suggest engaging him and asking him to be very honest in expressing to you how he is feeling, if intercourse is a dire need and if so, why, and if it is for him, talking about how you two might deal with what appear to be conflicting wants right now. For instance, if he just feels he needs a relationship with something in it you're not comfortable with yet, then it may even be time to part ways so you both CAN have your needs fulfilled by partners whose wants and needs are in better alignment. Or, if that want does not outweigh his desire to be with you, then looking at the big picture, he may easily agree to just let it go for right now.

I think one way to take the pressure off of yourself is to simply acknowledge that however you're feeling about all of this is valid. If you don't feel like it's the right time for intercourse yet -- and if you're feeling pressured, it's really not: good, healthy sex doesn't tend to come out of a situation where anyone feels pressured -- that's valid, too. Intercourse really, truly, positively is not some sort of sexual Holy Grail, or the be-all-end-all of sex, particularly for women, but also for plenty of men. It's likely to be less physically satisfying for you than other kinds of sex, because that's commonly the case for a majority of women. And indeed, it does put an extra risk in the mix, and also add other factors you'll have to be negotiating with a partner, like birth control, and having an understanding about how you might manage an accidental pregnancy. If the sex you've been having so far is really great, and the relationship so far is really great, it would be unlikely that intercourse won't be in line with that. In the same vein, I'm hearing you having conflicts around sex right now, and when that's the case, those conflicts would likely carry into intercourse, too.

It sounds to me like before you can even think about adding more sex to the mix, or continuing the sex you are having, you two do need to talk more, and have discussions which are productive. If you really feel like you've talked this to death, and had productive talks and still don't feel like intercourse is the right thing, then I think you have your answer: it's clearly not for you at this time, and just making that clear -- a la, "We've talked about it, and I've thought about it, and for now, I need to just put that on the shelf and will let you know if and when I'm ready to revisit it," -- should help a lot when it comes to opening the pressure valve on all this. You may also just need some time right now to reevaluate the relationship, think for yourself, maybe talk to friends about it rather than to your boyfriend.

You might also have a couple of dates, you and the guy, where it is NOT about sex, at all, so you can revisit the other parts of the relationship right now and get a better idea of if it's a good one, and if it's one that any kind of sex is healthy within and something you feel good about within.

If after reading all of this, a few good talks, a couple good no-sex dates, and the pressures removed, you're feeling a lot better about it, and you CAN choose to have intercourse without any feelings of being pressured, and it is something you not just agree to but very much want... then there's that answer.

But that's the place you're looking to be at when it comes to any kind of sex: where it's not just if it's okay or not, but where it's something you deeply want, physically and emotionally, separate from your partner's wants and desires. If and when you get there, that's a right place to consider any sort of sex in. Remember: sex is about closeness and intimacy, for sure, but it's also about deep desire and pleasure. Wanting sex, ideally, isn't about a "Well, I guess it's okay," but about a deep belly growl, a stirring hunger, a very big, enthusiastic YES. That's the case whether we're talking about intercourse the first time or the 80th; whether we're talking about intercourse or oral sex or manual sex or sex of any kind. I haven't heard any address of that at all in your post, about any kind of sex, so that's something else I'd encourage you to think about. If you're not strongly feeling all of THAT, then it's no surprise it's not a place you want to go, or that this seems to be all about talk and thinking, rather than about a clearer want or desire, and sometimes, when sex seems all about what's in our heads, only, it's a good indication that the desire really isn't there.

I know I've jumped around a bit, but hopefully at least some of that will be helpful to you. I'm going to toss a few links at you, and hopefully, between those, this and your own head and heart, things will become a bit more clear.

• Yield for Pleasure
• Safer Sex...for Your Heart
• Reciprocity, Reloaded
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• Is THAT All There Is?
• Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist