I want sex to be romantic, and he wants it rough. What should we do?
Hollie replies:I am 18 and my husband is 19. We just got married 2 weeks ago, and up until then, neither one of us had ever had sex, any kind, with each other or any one else. So the first time was a bit.. awkward.. since we were both so inexperienced. We tried him on top, but he couldn't seem to go in, so I had to get on top. Since then, he insists I be on top every time. It is still enjoyable for me, and I am able to reach orgasm.. but it would still be nice to try something else. When we do it that way, he wants it to be rough and I would like it to be sweet and gentle, with him on top. Are we doing something wrong? Why wouldn't missionary work? He thinks he can't get inside of me if my legs are straight out, (he won't even try) so the few times we've TRIED that way, he insists I wrap my legs around him, and this is very uncomfortable for both of us. Are there any other kind of positions we should try that would be enjoyable for me, not just him? We've tried a couple others, but it seems right when we start, he just wants me to get on top again, and I feel frustrated, but do it because I love him, and it is still enjoyable for me... Just not romantic and sweet like I always imagined it would be. What should we do? Also, after he ejaculates, we're in a state he calls the "what now".. if i get off, it all comes out all over him, grosses us both out, and stains all over our house (haha).. Is there something wrong with me? I thought it was all supposed to stay inside of me? It just kills the mood when we're done, and his ejaculate pours out of me everywhere, and he gets grossed out and then I feel bad.. I want us to feel good after sex!! Please help! I've looked other places for research, but haven't found any answers.. and I visited this site before our first time, and found it very helpful.. so i thought i'd give it a try. Thank you so much!
For the record, that awkward sex happens from time to time, no matter who you are, how many partners you've had, and how many times you've been with said partner. It's okay, and it's completely normal.
You aren't doing anything wrong either. Have you told him that while you enjoy being on top, you'd like to try something else sometimes? I don't know why the 'missionary' position wouldn't work for you. For 'missionary' though, you can't just leave your legs straight out. That would make penetration pretty difficult for your partner, due to lack of access to your vagina! Experiment. If you find it's still uncomfortable or unenjoyable for you and your partner, experiment with something else. Sometimes there are positions that just don't work for certain people. We all have different body shapes and sizes, and some positions will work better than others.
Is there a reason you think 'missionary' position would be more gentle and romantic than when you're on top? I know when we see sex in the movies it is protrayed differently ... When in the 'missionary' position, movie sex is often gentle and romantic and what many would consider to be 'making love'. When the woman is on top, it's often quick and rough and 'just sex'. Don't always believe what you see in the movies! There is nothing special about the 'missionary' position alone that makes it better or worse than any other position. For example, you and your partner can still touch each other and look at each other in both positions. Think about what would make sex more gentle and romantic for YOU, and then tell your partner. Do you want him to look at you? Touch you more? Talk to you? I don't think the position alone will give you what you're looking for.
And unfortuneatly, if you're not feeling romantic towards your partner, or feel that he is being romantic towards you, romantic-like sex isn't going to fix that. Perhaps there are other issues at hand here that has nothing to do with sex. Do you have a good relationship otherwise? Do you feel that he loves you and respects you and you feel as though you are equal partners? If you do not have a strong relationship to start, it is unlikely that you will get the sexual experience you are looking for.
Sex can be messy. And if you're on top and he ejaculates, gravity is going to bring some of that ejaculate out of your vagina and onto your partner. Not the end of the world; it is his own bodily fluids. There is no reason you should feel bad for him getting a little bit of semen on him. Somehow I doubt that he's feeling bad that you have semen in/on you! If he's not comfortable with his own bodily fluids (and yours!), you two may want to re-evaluate his readiness for a sexual relationship right now.
Have you suggested condoms? This way you can have sex in whatever position you want, and there will be no semen dripping anywhere. You can have the post-sex cuddle and he can get up and dispose of the condom and it's contents when he feels like it.
Keep in mind that many couples have different sexual needs and preferences. The key is communication and compromise. That might mean having sex in your favourite position one night, and his favourite position the next night. But you need to communicate!! Tell him how you feel and what you need, and be ready to listen to his needs as well.
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