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How can I warm up to my fat boyfriend?

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Anonymous asks:

Ok, so here is my dilemma. I just started college this past August. A few weeks into it my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I thought I would never move on and so did everyone around me. So, a week or so before we got out for Christmas break I met a really awesome guy and we hit it off right away and so we started dating. We decided to wait to do anything sexual till around our 6 month aniversay. Well, I really do like my boyfriend and he means alot to me. He actually treats me better than my old boyfriend, but he is overweight. He wrestled in high school, which made him gain weight, and he also played football, which made him lose weight. I'm 140 lbs and he is 250 lbs. Don't get me wrong, I like the way he is and he is also trying to lose weight and making the efforts to do so. My fear is that I won't be able to be intimate with him because of his weight problem. I have never been with a bigger person. So my question is, how can I get myself ready or prepared to be intimate with him without making him feel bad, because that is the last thing I want to do.

Ruthie replies:

Congratulations on starting college and on your great new relationship with a guy who means a lot and treats you well! This is an exciting time in many ways, and I'm glad to hear that you're interested in waiting on getting sexual until you both feel ready for it. It sounds like you just started dating in December and are thinking of waiting until this summer to do anything sexual. You're very wise and caring to know that an important part of being ready is feeling excited by, and supportive of, your partner's body size and shape. This is especially true if your partner's body is somehow different from other bodies with which you are familiar, including a different weight and size.

Your fear about your ability to be intimate could mean several different things, and I will do my best to address each of them. Some folks are concerned about physical limitations due to weight (that a heavier partner will have difficulty getting close, maintaining stamina, or moving well enough to have enjoyable sex). Others are worried that they may be hurt by the weight of a heavier partner's body. It's also possible that you're unsure how much you'll be aroused by a bigger body or if you'll be able to handle his body size. Finally, many people (even those who adore fatter partners) worry about accidentally making their partner feel self conscious or hurting their feelings, which can also ruin a romantic mood. I'm glad you asked this question, because I'm sure many people are wondering similar things. After all obesity is on the rise at the same time that we're seeing more examples of sensual, larger bodies in the media. More and more people are learning they do enjoy intimacy with softer, rounder, fatter bodies of all genders!

Overweight people have a reputation for being slow, tiring easily, and being awkward or clumsy. It makes sense that some folks worry that sex with a fat partner will be uncomfortable or unenjoyable. However, this is a stereotype that is often untrue. As you've noted, your own partner has had a life filled with sports that require more physical ability and stamina than your typical thin adult could muster, unless they're also an athlete. While larger people do have more body to move, they can be just as aware of their bodies and capable of moving them as any other body type. Some fat folks won't be as skilled with their bodies, and neither will some thinner folks. Regardless of size, it is handy to consider a variety of sexual activities and positions to make intimate activities less tiring. Remember that sexual activity can include far more things than intercourse! Standard missionary position can really wear out the partner on top (the guy, in your situation) quickly. Varying between other positions and sex acts that more evenly distribute the physical activity between both partners can help a lot. Partners who experience pain or limitations in their knees or backs (which is common for athletes, larger partners, those who are injured, or anyone who is aging) may prefer positions in which they can lay down, remain on their knees with cushions to support their body, or even stand up without baring their partner's weight. For example, very large partners often enjoy "doggy style" (one partner is on their knees and hands/elbow, while the other enters from behind). If the entering partner has a very large tummy (which your boyfriend may not, given the weight you listed for him), they can lift and rest it on the other partner. If the receiving partner has a large tummy, it can rest on cushions or on the bed. This is just one of many examples of how the right sexual positions can make all the difference, even across a broad range of body sizes! But don't forget that manual sex, oral sex, the use of sex toys, mutual masturbation and sensual activities like massages and kissing also allow for a wide range of comfortable movement and closeness between all types of partners.

When it comes to body size, penis size, and safer sex, condoms will work just as well regardless of your partner's weight. Penises don't gain fat like other body parts can, although the area around the penis where the pubic grows can get fuller with weigh gain. If his penis is larger, smaller, or perfectly average then that size is unrelated to being over weight. The only thing that changes is how his penis looks in comparison to the rest of his body. His size also won't have an impact on the amount or quality of semen that he ejaculates. Keep on using fresh condoms and high quality lubricant, in addition to any other forms of birth control, as always.

What about the fear that a fatter partner might hurt you with her or his body weight? Fear not, most overweight people (and many people who aren't overweight) are constantly aware of their size and very careful of not bumping into or squishing their partners. Living in a weight-obsessed culture will have that impact on people, after all. At the same time, it is a good idea to explore activities and positions in which you'll both be comfortable. Remember how I was just saying that missionary (guy on top) position may not be the best for him? It might not be the best for your either, especially if he wants to sensually rest or rub his body on yours. If you find that his body is pressing too heavily on yours, you can initiate a change or shift in position without hurting his feelings. A good partner will value your cues and requests without delay or lots of explanation, so simply saying "Lets try ___ instead, that would be really hot" or "I like it better when we ___" should be fine ways to get more comfortable, if needed. Again, explore positions that offer you both more freedom of movement and remember to open your definition of sex to lots of activities and not just intercourse! This is good advice for anyone, regardless of size.

Perhaps you're worried that you won't find his body attractive. I noticed that you said that you like him just the way he is and that he is also working to change his weight. I'm very glad to hear that you like him as-is and that your attraction is not based on how successful he is at getting thinner. While he may be very successful and deserves your support, we also owe it to our partners and ourselves to find the best each other's bodies just the way we are. But let's get to the good news: you're likely to find his body more attractive with time and cuddling. That's right, just being near each other a great deal and having positive, basic touching experiences (such as happy hugs, shoulder rubs, holding hands or even just sitting close to each other) is likely to intensify your feelings about other people due to the wonders of brain chemistry. If you dislike the person, you'll probably like them even less by spending lots of time close together. If you find someone attractive, you're likely to find them more and more attractive as you continue to get close. You've only recently started dating your boyfriend, and you're dedicated to spending six months together before getting intimate, so that is a lot of time for you to get the best out of your proximity and happy moments with together! You can also make a point of noticing and appreciating other things about larger bodies, especially his, that attract you. A larger partner can elicit feelings such as safety, warmth, softness, power, decadence, confidence, etc. that others find attractive. Many people also like the appearance of larger bodies, especially as they get more familiar with them and learn to look beyond cultural stereotypes. Do your best to relax and be mindful of the positive feelings you get from his body as they happen, and you're likely to find him more and more attractive. You might enjoy looking for stories about this online, or in books, to give you some inspiration and help you to realize that you're part of a large community of thinner people who find that they can also be attracted to larger people. If for some reason his body doesn't do it for you after all of that, then that may be a sign that the situation is not right for either of you.

Last, but not least, you may be concerned about how to be intimate with him without accidentally doing something to hurt his feelings. Is it okay to caress or appreciate parts of his body that are flabby or large? Can you rub a fat partner's tummy, or compliment their ample rear without making them feeling bad? If not, where is it safe to verbally or physically admire? Nearly everyone has concerns about the appearance of their body, regardless of weight. We all have worries about what our partners think and how we can show our partners that we find them attractive. What works will depend a great deal on him and how he feels about his body combined with how he receives your signals about what you think of his body. In other words, the better you both like each other's bodies, the better things will be. This is easier said than done, as we're all bombarded with negative messages about our bodies and our sexuality, especially if we're heavier. You've got the perfect plan, though, since you have built time into your relationship to get comfortable with each other's bodies! As you both feel comfortable, invest time in things that include sensual closeness without getting more than sexual than you want to. Massages, cuddling, swimming, sports, dancing and other close, physical activities can give you a chance to learn about and appreciate each other's bodies in fun ways. These are opportunities for you to feel good about being with him at the same time as you gain comfort together, and they're also opportunities for both of you to gain confidence in your acceptance of each other's bodies. As you get used to doing sensual and caring activities that involve touching each other casually, you'll also learn how you might enjoy touching each other sexually and how to appreciate that contact.

You made a very important point in your question that I also want to emphasize. You noted some positive things about him unrelated to weight: you like him a lot, he treats you well, and he is really awesome. Your question asked for help on addressing the issue of weight, so it's appropriate that my answer also focused on body size. Being overweight can be a stressful concern or a beautiful attribute. Regardless, you and he both know that you're both far more than your weight. You're well-rounded people (pardon the pun) with full lives and a multifaceted relationship. I encourage you not to let this single attribute dominate your relationship together; take this information and let it be part of a positive and healthy balance in the relationship between the two of you. Let me wrap up with a few links that you might find useful. You might even enjoy exploring these resources together! There are more sex and sensuality resources for fat women than fat men, and I have included some of them because they might have good information for you that will cross over.

written 28 Jan 2010 . updated 23 Jan 2014

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