When did you start to question your sexual orientation [1]? What in particular made that question arise?
A few years ago (in my late twenties!) I was in a relationship [2] with someone where we had very different sex [3] drives, namely that hers was so much higher than mine and I felt like I just couldn't keep up. It wasn't a healthy relationship, in retrospect, but it really started me down the path of thinking that I was asexual [4]. I didn't feel sexually attracted to her, and while I wasn't sex adverse, I wasn't feeling that spark of attraction to anyone, least of all her.
Ben [6] • Gerbil [7] • Jack [8] • Mo [9] • Riley [10] • Riss [11] • Ruby [12] • Sam [13] • Sebastian [14] • Wyn [15]
When (if ever) did that question resolve itself?
Eventually, I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. That the high demand for sexual intimacy, and resulting pouting when I didn't want to have sex, was not a place anyone should be in! Once I removed myself from this relationship, I realized the questioning arose from the constant pressure to have sex. The more she wanted it, the less I was interested.
How would you describe your sexual orientation as you understand it now?
I label myself queer [16], but the label bisexual [17] is also correct. I would not identify as anywhere on the asexual spectrum at this point in my life.
How do/did you feel about being questioning? Positive? Negative? Something else entirely?
Questioning my sexuality was a pretty scary event. I don't want to say it was positive or negative, just very overwhelming.
What is or was the most confusing? When you thought "maybe I'm [x]," what made you feel unsure or second-guess yourself?
I was 13 when I came out as bisexual, and to find myself at 27 wondering if I was biromantic and not sexual at all confused me. I kept asking if I had been lying to myself in the past, or if it was just a natural change. Logically, I knew that sexuality was fluid and could shift and change over a life, I was just so startled that it was happening to me!
Was there a defining moment that clarified things for you, or did you come to a more gradual realization?
It was a pretty defining moment. My ex and I were polyamourous and both had other partners. At the time, I was also in a long distance relationship and so I wasn't entirely sure if there was going to be any sexual chemistry. We (the long distance partner [18] and I) both talked about it in depth, since this partner (now my spouse) is demisexual. And then I saw them face to face and the spark was 100% there, and has remained so.
Did you talk to other people about being questioning, or compare notes with other people of an orientation you thought you might be?
I did! I reached out to several of my friends who are asexual and asked them how they came to their understanding of their sexuality. Because I enjoyed sex, but was just lacking the sexual attraction to people, I wasn't sure I was "allowed" to call myself asexual. Having a several people share different experiences, from being sex repulsed, to actively having sex while still being asexual, really set me at mind that there would be room for me if I chose to identify that way.
What would you say to past-questioning-you if you could send a message back in time?
I would grab myself by the shoulders and tell myself you're allowed to change. You're allowed to use labels that feel right against your skin. I would give myself permission to explore and try on a label to see how it fit.