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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Relationship troubles

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Author Topic: Relationship troubles
Member # 110885

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Hi everyone,

So I am a straight female who has been dating a lovely man for 6 months and we have known each other for 10 months. He is a great guy.

I have always been attracted to the sweet, sensitive, nerdy guys who like to sing and dance instead of play football and drink beer. I have never dated a jock.

My boyfriend is probably what you would call metrosexual. Very clean looking, likes to do his hair and keep himself well groomed. Likes to dress nice all the time and look put together. He is also very musically talented and can dance.

He has much softer features and is only 5'6". He also has a wide range of music tastes. He likes listening to Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, One Direction and Katy Perry, as do I. We go to musicals together and enjoy each other's company a lot.

I don't know why I have always preferred this type of man. I am very feminine myself. I guess its just what I like, and I have always been comfortable with that.

I had a crush on a high school friend for about 2 years and then he came out to me and it was very hard to deal with. I took a year off from dating and then my boyfriend came along and completely charmed me.

Right off the bat I knew that he was more feminine than most guys, but that only made me like him more. Also the fact that he was very intelligent was a huge turn on as well.

He confided in me and told me that he has been bullied his whole teenage and young adult life for being too feminine and not being masculine enough. His parents look down on him, as well as his peers and other family members.

There have been rumors and whispers about his sexuality his whole life. That he is too feminine and that he must be gay, and there is no other way around it.

He also told me when he started watching porn when he was 15 or 16 he watched a mixture of gay and straight porn and liked the gay porn more because it wasn't as loud or violent as the straight porn.

He has also masturbated anally and said he enjoyed it because of the pleasure he got out of it since the male g-spot is located in the anus. He told me that he has not masturbated anally for about a year and a half because it is a lot of "work", and was starting to not enjoy it as much as masturbating traditionally with his hand and penis.

He says he does not feel accepted by his male peers because they are more masculine than him, and does not feel good enough for his family, either.

He says he would appreciate meeting gay men or LGBTQ community members just so he would feel more accepted and on a more equal playing ground, since he finds it hard to communicate to his peers because his friends are more masculine. He said talking to a gay man would be easier since they would most likely have the same interests and hobbies.

To top it all off, he is also on anti-depressants for his depression that has been fueled by these issues.

He has told me he has had the occasional fleeting fantasy about being in a sexual situation with a guy, but it comes and goes. He says he would not act on these fantasies ever, because he thinks if he ever did, it would not be what he would want in the end, and he would much prefer being with a woman anyways.

He says he loves me and cares about me and is attracted to me. We have a good sexual chemistry.

When he called me two nights ago and told me all of this, I kind of flipped out. Because I have been through this already once when I was in high school. I didn't even let him finish his sentences I was so upset. I was just crying on the phone for two hours. Last night we were much calmer and discussed it further.

He said that he was going to tell me about these fantasies, but that at the end of the day he thinks he is straight with gay tendencies, or rather straight with feminine qualities that could come off as gay.

I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him because I love him. He says he does not have an interest in experimenting at all. Do I just accept that he has fantasies? My mom is worried that down the road he might end being gay after all and that I will be more heartbroken than I am now.

Over the past 6 months whenever I have introduced him to someone or have shown someone pictures of us, they always pull me aside and quietly ask if he is gay. Are they seeing something Im not? Or are they judging solely on looks and being shallow?

Granted I have had moments where I questioned him simply based on looks or actions, especially in the beginning of the relationship and when I first met him.

If I stay with him I don't want to be led on. He swears that is not going to happen. What do I do?

Also I am 21 and he is 19. We also live in different states.

Thank you.

[ 07-19-2014, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: mva518 ]

Posts: 1 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Welcome to Scarleteen, mva!

I am sorry that the people around you and your partner are being so judgmental.

What really matters, however, isn't what everyone else around you thinks, but what you and your partner feel. If he is telling you that he is attracted to you and wants to be with you, there is no reason not to believe that.

If you're still feeling uncomfortable and don't think you want to continue this relatinship, that is your call to make. You get to decide what your deal-breakers are.

But it is also good to keep in mind that there is never a guarantee with relationships - they tend to end at some point, and they do so for all sorts of reasons. You can't prevent or eliminate all of theml.

I also don't think it's helpful to view this as there being only two options: that your partner is straight, or that he is deliberately leading you on. Even in the event that your fears come true and he eventually tells you that he has more than passing fantasies involving men, that does not mean that he has been leading you on and that everything you've shared has been a lie. There is a third option: that, just like most people your age, he is still figuring out who he is. His feelings and his identity may still change, just like yours might. That is all part of becoming an adult. Who we are changes, and that does not mean that who we were before we changed was a lie.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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