Sometimes when you're healing from abuse or other trauma, it can be such a frustrating or long process that you can forget how far you've already come. In those moments, it can help to take real stock of your progress: you worked hard for it, after all!
So, if you're going through a healing process, what has positively changed for you already? What used to be really rough for you, but have you worked through and now find it more manageable or easier? What did you used to feel overwhelmed trying to deal with that you now feel more competent with handling? What did you used to avoid that you don't anymore? How did you used to view yourself around your trauma that has changed for the better since? What steps have you taken to take care of yourself and heal?
Posted by SansNom (Member # 91788) on :
Wonderful thread, Heather I wish I had come across it sooner
I absolutely agree with your statement that the process of healing from abuse/trauma can seem like an eternity. I used to berate myself constantly for it, for the fact that I considered myself to be emotionally "weak" and "useless".
I still sometimes do that on days when I focus solely on problems that I still experience, on tasks that I have yet to complete, on days where I experience such numbness of feeling that I see no purpose in living; however, I make an effort to encourage myself too. I would congratulate myself for a job well done when I had accomplished something significant. And I would sit back and feel good about myself for a moment.
Despite all the improvements, though, I still find myself struggling through so much. One of the things that I'm having trouble letting go is my notion that taking time to heal and recuperate is simply me being "lazy" and "wasting valuable time". I had been told the opposite from those who support me, but I can't bring myself to believe them......I see no reason why they would be okay with the fact that I'm vulnerable. Shouldn't everyone be telling me to "toughen up" instead? Wouldn't that help me to recover?
I apologise for the insecure rant.....I guess I need to pull myself together some more before I report on my recovery process, as the bad outweighs the good at the moment
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :
No need to apologize. Want to talk about this, SansNom? Glad to if you'd like.
Posted by SansNom (Member # 91788) on :
Thanks . I appreciate you responding so quickly.
I guess I just hate feeling so vulnerable and being subjected to fluctuations that I can't change. Sometimes I am really numb, other times extremely emotional...sometimes I feel relatively optimistic, other times terribly pessimistic. Most times, these days, I'm tired. So tired.
Part of it may be the anti-depressant medication, part of it PTSD or clinical depression at work; at least, according to my psychiatrist. I can't control my emotions, I can't control my anxiety (which spikes in times of stress and causes all sorts of problems), I can't make the tiredness go away. At times I can do no work; I find that problematic since my piano auditions for university admissions are coming up, and they won't go well if I'm stuck perpetually in a zombie-like state.
I think that perhaps part of the reason why I'm such a control freak is because I've only recently realized that, in the abusive situation I was in, there was nothing that I could've done that would've prevented it.....and here I've deluded myself all this time with the notion that I was perfectly in control.
I thought that I understood my stepfather. I thought that I understood the situation I was in. But I was wrong. I was abused, but I had no idea. I thought that he loved me and that his behaviour was simply a result of his rather impulsive and easily angered temperament. I was wrong on both counts.
I hate feeling so helpless and the realization that I was totally helpless and at his mercy. I hate MYSELF, most of all, for being stupid, powerless, and unable to give my loved ones what they truly need.
Sorry for the rant I feel bad for subjecting you to my insecurities
Posted by Atonement (Member # 42492) on :
Well, Things have absolutely gotten better since my dad's psych hospitalization (which I now pretty much see as the climax during the story of my turbulent family life.)
Moving out of my parent's house has been an extremely positive experience. I really feel like I've gotten off to a fresh start and finally have a "normal" life.
I have made a few friends, and hope to make a lot more. I have gotten really active in my school's premed club, and I'm really enjoying it. I feel like I am in the beginning stages of making friends there.
While my dad was in the hospital, I started seeing a therapist, which has been great. I have a lot in common with her (she is also an OB/GYN, which is the specialty I am currently most interested in pursuing), and since I am no longer working, I qualify to get it for free. Since I have moved away, we have been doing skype meetings.
Of course, school has been more time consuming and difficult than ever before, but I'm working toward something that I want more than everything, and all indicators are pointing to the idea that I'm going to be having a great time on the way.
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