Scarleteen

I thought that I could find a boyfriend online so I went to a fetish site that I found through internet porn. I don't get along with my peers, so I thought it would be a better option. I ended up meeting 4 different men from the site over a few months.

The men that I met up with never forced me to do anything, but they were a lot older than I was (I'm 21 and they were 40+). I think a few lied about their ages (a lot older than they claimed). I had to take my top off to make them happy. And there was this one instance when I thought I was ready to lose my virginity, but when the time came I couldn't even undress myself. He talked me into it and I wasn't able to enjoy any of it. He didn't ask if it was okay to do any of those things to me. It was really uncomfortable and I even started to cry. He got upset and left when he realized I wasn't enjoying it. I don't know if that counts as assault, but I feel horrible about myself and also suicidal. I can't sleep, and anytime I see someone who resembles any of those men I tense up and run or cry.

Am I dealing with regretting bad decisions? I don't think anyone will want to date me when they find out how unstable I am.

Hi straightlines,

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's totally understandable that you're feeling upset afterwards, because what this person did was violate your boundaries and perform sexual acts without your consent. Like you said, you weren't giving any kind of positive and enthusiastic consent (taking your own clothes off, talking about what you'd like to do, giving him encouraging sexual contact, etc), and he decided to continue anyway. That's unacceptable, and is certainly something that we would expect people who are a little older (presumably with more sexual experience) would know is unacceptable.
Even if it wasn't violent or you didn't feel like you were physically forced to do something, he still did things without you saying, "Yes, I'd like that". And, what's worse, he tried to convince you to do things despite how uncomfortable you felt. I think Heather included Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent in their last conversation with you, but that and Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault both mention that consent isn't something that you can "get" out of someone. It has to be given freely, and it seems like you really weren't ready and willing to do what was done to you. He should have known (and done) better.

I'm sorry that things are feeling so rough right now. It seems like you might be struggling a little with daily life stuff (sleeping, feeling safe/comfortable when you're out and about), which is a pretty normal reaction to having been through what you have. A lot of folks experience feelings of anger, despair, guilt, shame, anxiety, and generally feeling "on edge" after experiencing abuse or assault, and it can take some time to process those feelings and reactions. Have you been able to talk with anyone else that you trust about what you've experienced?
You mentioned feeling suicidal - while that's definitely a valid feeling to have right now, I want to make sure that you're being as safe as possible while you're dealing with this stuff. If you ever feel like you're really overwhelmed and struggling, I highly recommend calling the national Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or using their online chat. They're not perfect, but in moments when my own feelings about my assaults were overwhelming, it helped to just have someone else who was kind and willing to listen on the other end of the line.

In the meantime, I hope you're able to give yourself some TLC. Even if you're questioning your experience, or still feeling some guilt or shame, it's really important for you to take as good of care of your body and heart as possible. You didn't deserve what happened to you - all you deserve is safety and comfort. Is there anything that you can do for yourself in the next few days to show yourself some of that love? (Self Care: A La Carte has examples if you need ideas!)

We're thinking of you here at Scarleteen and sending love and good thoughts your way. <3