So, I was wondering if you guys could help me process this stuff.
I’ve been questioning my sexuality recently, more like, I’ve recognized I there’s something I feel needs exploration and defining. I’ve been wondering if I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum, grey ace and demisexual being what I’ve been using for the past three or so months.
But one reason why I’m not sure if I’m demi is because my base line for sexual experiences is screwed up. And by that I mean, my two previous relationships had some body boundary problems so I don't have the best experiences to compare and draw conclusions from. The affects of that seem to be showing these past two months, before they were minor and barely crossed my mind once a week. I keep mulling this over and it makes me uncomfortable and I think of these experiences when I think of my sexuality and when I think of exploring sexually with my current partner.
In the first (that lasted more than 12 hours) relationship I had, which my first posts on this board were about, he never trampled on my boundaries. There were just some moments I felt self conscious of my body and said, “sure,” when I should have said, “I’m on the fence, please don’t it makes me self conscious.” So, while I felt really respected in that relationship, I just wasn’t good at being clear and I was self conscious of my body.
My second relationship, let’s say it’s with C, was where things got bad. C would tickle me, “zap” me, etc. because it was something he and another friend of mine did. I didn’t mind it, though it kinda hurt sometimes, because it only happened a couple times a week and I found it funny. It began to bother me was when we would sit together on the bus, and he would tickle me and wouldn’t stop and I’d almost end up on the floor trying to make it stop, and when I would tell him to not do that again, he’d listen for a few minutes or until we got back on the bus. (Note: I’m super ticklish and it hurts if it’s for more than a second.) Then he started French kissing me. After a few times I realized I didn’t like it and so stopped kissing him whenever I felt his tongue on my lips. I pulled back a few times before I specifically said, no. (This was over a year ago so from [ to] may be out of order.) [He didn’t French kiss me for the rest of that trip but there were a few times after that he tried to or asked to. We’d be kissing and I’d like it, and then he’d try to stick his tongue in my mouth, I’d get super grossed out, stop kissing, and feel funny and not kiss him for a period. But then when I would go back to kissing him, he’d do it eventually again. I have also found a draft letter that I wrote to him listing things he had done I was uncomfortable with and it reminded me he put his hand on my inner thigh, butt, and breast and that made me self conscious/uncomfortable as well.] So, one night a friend and I were hanging out at C’s house. We were kissing up in his room while the parents and our friend where downstairs chit chatting. He tried to kiss me multiple times and I pulled back, because at this time I only felt like cuddling and kissing chastely once before going back to playing board games and talking. He asks me if he’s making me uncomfortable, I go home and organize my thoughts into an email and send it. We don’t see much of each other after until he texts me and breaks up with me. I was relieved ‘cause I would have done it soon if he hadn’t.
There’s a chunk of stuff that happened next but it was never in a sexual or SO relationship context so I think it’s not necessary for this part of the backstory.
There was a conversation I had with two friends and my current partner that either started this refixation on what happened with C or just increased it but it had already started, I can’t remember.
So, now I’m in the present and this is all still running in my head to a degree. My estimate is I think about all this stuff once or twice a week and think it affects my emotions at least once more in addition to that. And what I want is help figuring out if these experiences are affecting my comfort levels being sexual with my current partner, or if it’s not really affecting that and I could be grey ace.
So about my current partner. He’s a good friend. He’s been a source of comfort and uncomplicated friendship these past several months. We talk openly about LGBTQ+ issues, feminism, and sexuality, and this started before he asked to go on a date with me. So we’ve agreed to do only things we’re both comfortable with but also be really open to exploring a sexual relationship/sexual activities. We go on dates to places when we can but it’s easiest for us to be at the park between our houses or hang out at my house. So we text a lot and hang out at least once a week. We talked kind of early on about both being interested in BDSM and sharing our interests in that area. We also recently started talking about our fantasies and what things arouse us and have been texting links back and forth. So what we’ve been talking about recently is doing some more sexual things.
What we love doing most is cuddling, [strike]but beyond that there’s not a whole lot I feel driven to do, sexually.[/strike] I do want to do sexual things, I want to have a sexual component to our relationship by exploring sexual things. As a way to have fun and because I want to have those experiences. Like, I get nervous about doing sexual things (being partially naked (something I want to do), possibly giving/receiving manual sex or mutual masturbation (something I suggested)) and a little self conscious of my body. Even though I masturbate and have a pretty good grasp on my sexual relationship with myself and fantasize/desire to do sexual things with a partner.
So if you guys have read this novel you know I’m really confused and scared and don’t feel like I know where my nerves and motivation (and lack thereof) are coming from. And I could use advise because we’re going to talk about doing more (different) sexual things next time we hang out just us (which is Tues. after I get back from this five day camp thing, which I leave for about noon Fri. and will have to be on mobile to see any responses) and may want to do a few of those things. I’d really just like to know how I should handle myself: am I possibly grey ace and should proceed as such, am I possibly being affected by bad previous experience and should I be aware of myself as such when going forward and setting boundaries, or am I just super nervous about doing these types of things with a partner for the first time and need to remember to relax, go slow, and trust in my partner?
I didn't know how to cut this all down, I'm sorry, and I thought it was all relevant to give a clear understanding.