Scarleteen

Hello,

I. Realized that I’ve made a huge mistake in my relationship. We have a lot of ups and downs, as I’m sure every relationship does. But we’re able to move past them, and try to continue on a better path together. Whenever we have an issue though, if it isn’t solved immediately the way I want it to be. I start to panic, and I start to get really insecure. In these moments when I feel I can’t talk to my partner I talk to other people instead. And I finally realized how much of a mistake that is. I’d feel awful if I knew that my partner told others about our problems, complained to others about our problems. That’s incredibly selfish and immature of me. And it took me way too long for me to realize this. The guilt is starting to eat up at me, and I’m worried it’s gonna break me down at some point. Which I most likely deserve, as this was wrong of me. Very wrong of me. My friends probably think less of my partner now because of what I’ve told them, because they only get my side of the story. And although I try to stay neutral when I talk about these things to try and get help. I realize it’s still venting. I’m wondering, now that I realize the mistake I’ve made. How do I fix it? Obviously I learn to stop complaining to others about private things, but what else should I do? Should I tell my partner? I’ve betrayed their trust in this way, I’ve made them look bad to make myself look better. And I claim to truly love this person. Yet I do things like this? I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed and I just want to do the right thing. I’m wondering what that would be.

Hi Skybushh,

You know, I don't actually think there's anything inherently wrong with needing to talk with other people about problems you're having with a partner. Sometimes we need a moment or two to vent, or to talk through something we're struggling with, and friends are people we can do that with who can offer a supportive ear or maybe an outside perspective if we ask for it.

If privacy is important to you and your partner, then yes, you probably don't want to tell every person you know about all the ups and downs of your relationship. But we all deserve, and I would argue we all need, a space where we could ask for advice or support around things happening with our partner that doesn't involve that person.

Now, if we find we're ONLY saying negative things about our partner to others, that's a sign that something bigger is up in the relationship. For instance, maybe it's cluing us in to the fact we're not actually all that happy in a relationship, or that how we view our partner has shifted more and more into only seeing the negatives. Too, it can be a problem if we tell our friends about issues in a relationship in place of actually trying to communicate with our partner about those issues. Are any of those relevant to the conversations you've been having with friends?

I try not to say anything negative about them. Although I realize things can definitely come off that way. And that’s mostly what I feel bad about. I have no intention of making my partner seem bad, because they aren’t. We definitely have to work on our communication. We’re able to make our way past problems but it’s still something to improve on. And there definitely has been a disconnect between us. Although we’re meaning to work through that. I usually am able to voice my opinion with my partner though. I realize that this particularly is more of me worrying I’m being a terrible partner without knowing it. Which is a concern I have, a lot. To a fault honestly.

Got it. I think it's sound to recognize that this is more about that deeper fear that you're being a bad partner without meaning to than it is about the specifics of this conversation. Too, to reiterate, it's really, really common and okay to talk about our relationships or our partners with our friends; the fact that you're actively trying not to sound negative suggests to me that how you're talking about them falls well within the usual bell-curve, rather than being a sign that something is up with your relationship.

Do you have a sense of where that fear of being a terrible partner comes from? Is it from things your current or past partners have told you? Things you've experienced? Feeling like you don't know what differentiates a good partner from a bad one? Something else?

To be honest I’m not exactly sure. I think some it comes from the fact that I don’t really know what I’m doing. This is my first real relationship, and I often find myself trying to understand how to go about it. In the past I made a lot of mistakes because I knew even less, although luckily I’ve grown. Still, so much to learn though. If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably from a fear of losing people. Especially someone like my partner, that means so much to me. I also know I’ve always struggled with self-worth. It’s not easy to feel very good about myself and it’s even harder to feel like I ever deserve anything good. So I would assume a lot comes from that. I know I have good intentions at the very least.

Would it be helpful to have some resources on how to build and navigate a healthy relationship, since being a good partner is built into that process?

Too, if something you struggle with is self-worth, then tackling that may also help you feel more secure in relationships and in your actions overall. Do you have a sense of why you don't feel good about yourself? Does it seem tied to a specific thing?

I think it might be. I wouldn’t say I’m a bad partner but. I’d always like to find ways to be better. I’m not actually sure why I feel that way. It’s kinda just always been so. I try and think of what it might be a lot but I can never really find an answer. Sometimes I almost feel like it’s a fear of feeling good about myself more so than just feeling bad. But that’s completely a theory. It could honestly be that I tie self-worth to all the wrong things and that brings me down.

Okay! Here are a few to start with if you haven't already read them.
Hello Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate a Healthy Relationship]
Supermodel: Creating and Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Does Your Relationship Need a Check Up?

I know we've spoken in previous posts about you struggling with some anxiety and other low mood issues. Do you think some of how you feel about all this is likely tied to those?

Thank you. I haven’t read them no. I’ll take a look at them. I would assume it is all tied together yes. How it is I’m not exactly sure but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.

You're very welcome! And if you have question about those articles or want to talk more about specific things that come up in them, we're happy to talk about that.