Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
I hate the over-apologising myself. Some of you have advised me to learn to replace sorry with thank you and I think I'm getting used to it, but with her I still for some unreasonable reason always apologise for everything. Especially in instances like this when I want to show that I mean well, don't want to fight and am willing to own up to my mistakes.
I'm also grateful to you for saying that her loneliness isn't ultimately my mistake, I think it makes sense, I'm not blaming her for how I feel either, or at least I'm trying no to.
However, I wasn't able to continue the conversation, I was too stressed out at the moment, then there was a power cut due to a storm and now it'd be unkind to her, she is dealing with a lot of stress because her family member has got covid and another one is immunocompromised. I'm just sick of it all and angry, there are still new cases and poeple dying every day but there are no restrictions and nobody in the whole government seems to give a damn... just because the elections are coming. There are more and more people struggling to make the ends meet, prices of food, electricity, fuel and housing are skyrocketing and the only thing politicians seem to be doing is fighting about their corruption casea and sowing hatred and anger for their opponents among people. And bad times have always seemed to favour populist, extremist and hateful leaders. With everything thats happening including the crazy weather, I jus can't stop thinking about the Octavia's Butler Parable series... (in my opinion really great, thought-provoking and powerful books, if anyone was interested
(Sorry for the apocalyptic/politics talk, I just wanted to vent a little, it's hard not to feel powerless and hopeless sometimes)
I also wanted to ask about one other thing, my parents (based on a doctor's recommendation) are forcing me to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. They started talking about it a few months ago (I talked about it with Mo over chat back then), then they seemed to forget about it but now they aren't giving me any other choice. The thing is I just don't want to go, I know it seems stupid especially given all the complaining I always do here, so feel free to ask if you want to know why it scares me way more than it should. One problem is that noone has even explained me why they want me to go there when I asked and even though they haven't said it directly from the way they talk about it it seems like they just want a proof that something is wrong with me so they could blame things like my sexual orientation, health problems or our relationship on it...
I thought that if I take at least some control over the process of finding a provider it'd make me feel better about it but my mum refused to let me do that. I'm going away for a week with an orchestra I play in and I'm afraid they'll arrange it in the meantime without me having any say in it. Anyway, I just wanted to ask in advance before I'm too nervous about it if I can later ask some questions (about how do might some appointments and professional mental health care in general look like) here even when it has nothing to do with sex ed.