okay. so for starters i am a genderqueer trans guy since last year or so, and ever since my puberty ended i have identified as nonbinary or transmasc with any label.
but lately, i am feeling oddly feminine, and i don't like it; i'm scared that one day the feminine feeling will take over me completely and i'll detransition, or that i've been a cis girl all along.
but i'm pretty sure i'm a trans guy. hell, i've even got a short haircut since my parents finally allowed me last year, bought a binder and even stopped wearing makeup for a while due to my necessity to pass (now i wear it occasionally, it makes me feel meh cos i know people will then see me as a girl)
plus when/if my binder fails to bind much due to me being plus sized and my breasts being large too, i get upset about my chest showing too much (even in pics)
and i try to be stealth online with new ppl who don't know i'm trans, trying not to mention my AGAB but at certain points even lying and saying i am a cis guy.
on top of all this, as a kid everytime i would cosplay or rp as a male character, i felt this sort of undescribed happiness (i used to put my youtube username and profile pic as male cartoon characters such as wakko warner when i still thought i was a cis girl, just to see people in comment sections assuming i was a boy like the characters)
and i've had dysphoria. loads of it. problem is, it fluctuates. and it's not the first time i feel feminine. it happened last year and other times too.
but i don't like the idea of being seen as a girl. i'm very scared of detransitioning, i've seen people who used to identify as trans guys be cis girls again, and i don't want that to be me. i don't want it to be just a phase
plus, i think gender is just an invention, a social construct: a set of characteristics, roles and expectations given to people just cos of the body parts they have. i can easily live without a gender (yet i like masculine looks and pronouns)
i think this is it and sorry if i said too much
moonchild, you still live in my heart
can i ask you something?
is your life better now?
(moonchild, cibo matto)