Scarleteen

My husband and I used to do anal, but I do not want to do it anymore because it physically hurts me, a lot. My husband keeps bringing up this issue, because it is important to him. The options we have come up with are: 1) I do anal again, 2) We do a threesome with someone who wants to do anal, 3) he finds an outside sex partner to do anal with. I do not want to do 1 & 2, and I have told him that it is ok for him to do #3. He does not want to do #3 until I basically say that I want him to do it, I am happy that he is doing this, etc. I have come to terms with the fact that my husband needs to satisfy himself sexually outside our marriage, but I cannot bring myself to say that I am happy for him to do this. He used to cheat on me and hid this from me for many years, so I have past hurt. Am I wrong? It has taken some work for me to get to this place, and I feel like he is asking for something from me (other than permission) that I cannot give.

Hi erin12345, welcome to the boards. I'm sorry to hear you're in a situation where you feel like you're at a dead end, I want to start by saying no, you aren't wrong. Given that he has cheated on you in the past, and hid it from you for years, it makes sense you'd be hesitant to go through with this (or at least in an enthusiastic manner). I'm all for ethical nonmonogamy in marriages where both parties really want it and are fully comfortable and confident in the situation and their partner. In this case, I'm worried it'll bring up more issues than solve them. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel? For example, have you explained that you don't feel HAPPY for him doing this because it might be resurfacing some pain from the past? And if so, how did he respond when you brought it up?